FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT GOD'S WAY (JOYCE MEYER)

"Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in every way and [that your body] may keep well, even as [I know] your soul keeps well and prospers (3 John 2)

CHAPTER 1: YOU CAN DO IT! 

“In order to make it to your financial freedom, you’re going to have to get to the point where you are ready to say, ‘I am not going to live like this! I don’t care how long it takes me to dig my way out of this mess. I’m going to keep my eyes on the freedom, not the digging, and I am going to be free!”

1. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (NIV). When we put God first in our lives, then we won’t become attached to money and material possessions. We’ll be willing to give whatever He puts in our hearts to give.

2. Although we should always know the state of our finances, we should never think about money too much. You don’t need to chase blessings. Instead, chase after God and His blessings will come to you, which are worth much more than just money.

Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass (Psalm 37:5)

3. Remember that God is on your side. He will give you wisdom and show you what to do and where to start digging first. Your breakthrough might come quickly, or it may take some time. Just remember to keep your eyes on the freedom and you’ll make it! 

BECAUSE OF BETHLEHEM PART 2 (MAX LUCADO)

CHAPTER SEVEN: GOD GUIDES THE WISE

1. Matthew loved the magi. He gave their story more square inches of text than he gave the narrative of the birth of Jesus. He never mentions the shepherds or the manger, but he didn’t want us to miss the star and the seekers. It’s easy to see why. Their story is our story. We’re all travelers, all sojourners. In order to find Jesus, every one of us needs direction. God gives it. The story of the wise men shows us how.

"We have seen His star in the East and have come to worship Him" (v. 2 NKJV)

2. God uses the natural world to get our attention. Earth and stars form the first missionary society. “The heavens declare the glory of God” (Ps. 19:1 NKJV). As Paul wrote, “The basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is! By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can’t see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of his divine being” (Rom. 1:19–20 MSG).

3. People see signs of God every day. Sunsets that steal the breath. Newborns that bring tears. Migrating geese that stir a smile. But do all who see the signs draw near to God? No. Many are content simply to see the signs. They do not realize that the riches of God are intended to turn us toward him. “Perhaps you do not understand that God is kind to you so you will change your hearts and lives” (Rom. 2:4 NCV). The wise men, however, understood the purpose of the sign.

4. The wise men earned their moniker because they did. Their hearts were open to God’s gift. The men were never the same again. After worshiping the Christ child, “they departed for their own country another way” (v. 12 NKJV). Matthew uses the word way in other places to suggest a direction of life. He speaks of the narrow way (7:13–14 NASB) and “the way of righteousness” (21:32). He may be telling us that the wise men went home as differentmen. Called by a sign. Instructed by Scripture. And directed home by God. 

5. Christmas celebrates a similar moment for us—God breaking through to our world. In a feeding stall of all places. He will not leave us in the dark. He is the pursuer, the teacher. He won’t sit back while we miss out. So he entered our world. He sends signals and messages: H-o-p-e. L-i-f-e. He cracks the shell of our world and invites us to peek into his. And every so often a seeking soul looks up. 

6. When God sends signs, be faithful. Let them lead you to Scripture. As Scripture directs, be humble. Let it lead you to worship. And as you worship the Son, be grateful. He will lead you home. Who knows? Perhaps before Jesus comes again, we’ll discover why men don’t ask for directions.

CHAPTER EIGHT: HUMILITY SHINES

1. Most of the players in the Christmas drama inspire us with their faith. Mary, who had great courage. Joseph, who was obedient. The shepherds, who came quickly and worshipped willingly. The wise men, who traveled far and gave generously. Most of the characters in the Bethlehem drama behaved like heroes. But there was one who played the role of a villain.

"Then Herod, when he had secretly called the wise men, determined from them what time the star appeared. And he sent them to Bethlehem and said, “Go and search carefully for the young Child, and when you have found Him, bring back word to me, that I may come and worship Him also.”

2. Herod and the magi share the same chapter, but they didn’t share the same heart. The wise men traveled a great distance to see Jesus. Herod refused to leave his own city. The wise men presented their treasures to honor the child. Herod attempted to kill him. The wise men saw Jesus. But Herod?He saw no one but himself. As a result, his obituary forever contains the sad designation: the first person to reject Jesus Christ.

3. Herod’s pride hurt other people. Doesn’t it always? How many apologies has self importance silenced? How many compliments has arrogance muted? How many broken hearts trace their wounds to someone’s stubborn, unyielding, my-way-or-the-highway attitude?

4. Pride comes at a high price. Don’t pay it. Consider the counsel of the apostle Paul: “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought” (Rom. 12:3). “How much larger your life would be if your self could become smaller in it,” wrote G. K. Chesterton. “You would break out of this tiny and tawdry theatre in which your own little plot is always being played, and you would find yourself under a freer sky.”

Humility. The moment you think you have it, you don’t. Pursue it anyway.

5. A recurring message of Scripture is that God loves the humble heart. Jesus said, “I am gentle and humble in heart” (Matt. 11:29 NASB). “Though the LORD is supreme, he takes care of those who are humble” (Ps 138:6 NCV). God says, “I. . . live with people who are humble” (Isa. 57:15 GNT). He also says, “These are the ones I look on with favor: those who are humble and contrite” (Isa. 66:2). And to the humble, God gifts great treasures. He gives honor: “Humility goes before honor” (Prov. 15:33 NRSV). He gives wisdom: “With the humble is wisdom” (Prov. 11:2 NKJV). He gives direction: “He . . . teaches the humble his way” (Ps. 25:9 NRSV). And most significantly, he gives grace: “God . . . gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5 NKJV). And this reassurance: “He crowns the humble with salvation” (Ps. 149:4 WEB)

6. God loves humility. And by the same token he hates arrogance. He doesn’t dislike arrogance. He doesn’t disapprove of arrogance. He hates arrogance. “I hate pride and arrogance” (Prov. 8:13). “Everyone proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD” (Prov. 16:5 NKJV). God says, “Do nothing out of . . . vain conceit” (Phil. 2:3) and “Do not let arrogance come out of your mouth” (1 Sam. 2:3 NASB). Just as he gives grace to the humble, “God opposes the proud” (1 Peter 5:5). Just as humility goes before honor, “a proud attitude leads to ruin” (Prov. 16:18 NCV).

7. Ponder your achievements less; ponder Christ’s more. Spend less time on your throne and more at his cross. Brag on his work, not yours. You are valuable, but you aren’t invaluable. It is Christ who matters, not us.

CHAPTER NINE: PERHAPS TODAY

1. The first Christmas was marked by “lookers” as well. Joseph looked for lodging. Mary looked into the prunish face of Jesus. A thousand angels looked upon the King. The wise men looked at the star. But no one was looking with more intensity than a seasoned saint named Simeon. 

"Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was on him. It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord’s Messiah. Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying: “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you may now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all nations: a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and the glory of your people Israel.” (Luke 2:25–32)

2. Simeon knew this day would come in his day. “The Holy Spirit had revealed to him that he would not die until he had seen him God’s anointed King” (v. 26 TLB). He lived with a l “perhaps today” attitude. He knew he would see the Messiah on earth before he saw the Father in heaven. And on the fortieth day after Jesus’ birth, the day arrived. “The Spirit led Simeon to the Temple” (v. 27 NCV).

3. Simeon’s response has come to be known in Latin as Nunc Dimittis, or “Now Dismiss.” Now is a timeline term. It indicates the arrival of a moment. “Now we can go.” “Now we can eat.” “Now we can start.” Simeon saw the arrival of Jesus as a “now” moment, the first day of a new era. Now everything was different. The “consolation of Israel” had begun. The gate of history had swung on the hinge of a Bethlehem gate. The Author of life had turned the page and was ready to write a new chapter.

4. He came quietly in Bethlehem. He will return in glory with a shout. “All who are in their graves will hear his voice and come out” (John 5:28–29). In Bethlehem the just-born Jesus slept. When he returns, “the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God” (1 Thess. 4:16). At his first coming few noticed. At his second “all the nations of the world will be gathered before him” (Matt. 25:32 NCV). In Bethlehem, Joseph placed Jesus in a manger. At his return Jesus will be seated on a throne: “The Son of Man will come again in his great glory, with all his angels. He will be King and sit on his great throne” (Matt. 25:31 NCV).

5. “What will happen next, and what we hope for, is what God promised: a new heaven and a new earth where justice reigns” (2 Peter 3:13 The Voice). History is not an endless succession of meaningless circles but a directed movement toward a great event. God has a timeline. And because of Bethlehem, we have an idea where we stand on it. As the apostle John said, “My dear children, these are the last days” (1 John 2:18 NCV). We enjoy the fruit of the first coming but anticipate the glory of the second. We refuse to believe that this present world is the sum total of human existence. We celebrate the First Advent to whet our appetites for the Second. We long for the next coming.

6. If you knew Jesus was returning tomorrow, how would you feel today? Anxious, afraid, unprepared? If so, you can  take care of your fears by placing your trust in Christ. If your answer includes words like happy, relieved, and excited, hold tightly to your joy. Heaven is God’s answer to any suffering you may face. If you knew Jesus was coming tomorrow, what would you do  today? Then do it! Live in such a way that you would not have to change your plans.

CHAPTER TEN: CROWN, CRADLE, AND CROSS

1. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: "Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!" 

A remarkable gift can arrive in an unremarkable package. One did in Bethlehem.

2. He took “the very nature of a servant” (Phil 2:7). He became like us so he could serve us! He entered the world not to  demand our allegiance but to display his affection. Jesus did not view his equality with God as “something to be grasped” (Phil 2:6 NET) or “exploited” (NRSV). He refused to throw his weight around. He divested himself of divine advantage.

He entered the world not to demand our allegiance but to display his affection.

3. When people mocked him, he didn’t turn them into stones. When soldiers spat on him, he didn’t boomerang their spit. When people called him crazy, he didn’t strike them blind. Just the opposite. He became "obedient to death—even death on a cross!” (v. 8). It cannot be said too often that was God on that cross. God took the nails. God took the whips. God bore the shame. God felt the tip of the spear. God exhaled a final breath. Jesus descended the ladder of incarnation one rung at a time.

4. Down, down, down, down. From heaven’s crown to Bethlehem’s cradle to Jerusalem’s cross. It was one thing for Christ to enter a womb, quite another for him to be placed in a tomb. But the tomb could not hold him. Paul’s poem takes on a triumphant tone. “Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name” (v. 9). The One who went low is now made high. The One who descended is now exalted. Jesus is promoted to the “highest place.”

5. On the Great Day you’ll hear billions of voices make the identical claim about Jesus Christ. Multitudes of people will bow low like a field of wheat blown by the wind, each one saying to Jesus, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God” (Matt. 16:16 NKJV). Those who worshipped him on earth will confess him gladly. Those who didn’t will confess him regretfully. Believers will receive their inheritance. Unbelievers will receive theirs: separation from Christ.

6. There is a human being in charge of the universe. Glorified, for sure. Exalted, by all means. Utterly divine, certainly. But still, the hand that directs the affairs of humanity is the same hand that held a hammer in Nazareth. In the center of that hand is a scar, an eternal reminder of God’s eternal love. Bow before him. Humble yourself before the One who humbled himself for you. And to think, it all began in the most inconspicuous of places: a hay box in Bethlehem.

CHAPTER ELEVEN: IT'S GOOD-BYE TO THE BENTS

1. He knows just the place where you’ll be placed. He has a barren living room in desperate need of warmth and joy. A corner of the world needs some color. He selected you with that place in mind. As King David wrote, “You made my whole being; you formed me in my mother’s body. I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. . . . All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old” (Ps. 139:13–14, 16 NCV).

2. God made you on purpose with a purpose. He interwove calendar and character, circumstance and personality to create the right person for the right corner of the world, and then he paid the price to take you home. He purchased you. “God bought you with a high price” (1 Cor. 6:20 NLT).

3. At some point in life, don’t we all feel stuck? We are stuck in a dying body, with bad habits, suffering the consequences of poor choices in a rebellious world. We need help. So we shop till we drop, drink till we can’t think, work till we can’t stop. We do anything possible to get our minds off our mess, only to wake up, sober up, or sit up and realize we are still stuck. So we take pills, take vacations, and take advice from therapists, bartenders, and big brothers. We buy new purses or Porsches. We change hair color, lovers, and the shape of our tummies. But we end up facing the same mess.

4. We need someone to save us from meaninglessness and meanness. We are lost and need to be found and taken home. We need a Savior. The Christmas promise is this: we have a Savior, and his name is Jesus.

The Christmas promise is this: we have a Savior, and his name is Jesus.

5. Somewhere on the timeline between the Tree of Knowledge in the garden and the Tree of Life in heaven is the Tree of Sacrifice near Jerusalem. And if Christmas trees are known for beauty and gifts, then who would deny that the most wonderful Christmas tree was a rugged one on a bald knob? “God... loved us and sent His unique Son on a special mission to become an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:10 The Voice). Jesus took on our sin. He was covered by the rebellion that separated us from God. He endured what we should have endured. He paid the price to save us. When we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. (Rom. 5:6) Christ...died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God (1 Peter 3:18 RSV).

6. In the manger God loves you; through the cross God saves you. But has he taken you to his home? Not yet. He has work for you to do. He wants the world to see what God can do with his purchased possessions. So...he prunes you. He takes an ax to your prejudices and clippers to your self-pity, and when there is a tilt in your character that needs to be removed, he’s been known to pull out the old Black & Decker. Jesus said, “My Father is the gardener. . . . He trims and cleans every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce even more fruit” (John 15:1–2 NCV).

7. Once he stabilizes us, the decorating begins. He festoons us with the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22–23 NCV). He crowns us. Most people crown their Christmas trees with either an angel or a star. God uses both. He sends his angels to protect us and his Word as a star to guide us. 

8. Then he surrounds us with his grace. We become his depot, the the distribution point of God’s gifts. He wants no one to leave our presence empty-handed. Some people find the gift of salvation. For others the gifts are smaller: a kind word, a good deed. But all the gifts are from God. Our task is to stand tall in his love, secure in our place, sparkling in kindness, surrounded by his goodness, freely giving to all who come our way. You, me, and the Christmas tree. Picked, purchased, and pruned. Trust God’s work. You’re going to look much better without the bents.

CHAPTER TWELVE: EVERYDAY A CHRISTMAS, EVERY HEART A MANGER

1. We didn’t design the hour. God did. And God was content to enter the world in the presence of sleepy sheep and a wide-eyed carpenter. No spotlights, just candlelight. No crowns, just cows chewing cud. God made so little of his Son’s coming. He didn’t even circle the date on the calendar.

2. Maybe your life resembles a Bethlehem stable. Crude in some spots, smelly in others. Not much glamour. Not always neat. People in your circle remind you of stable animals: grazing like sheep, stubborn like donkeys, and that cow in the corner looks a lot like the fellow next door. You do your best to make the best of it, but try as you might, the roof still leaks, and the winter wind still sneaks through the holes you just can’t seem to fix. You’ve shivered through your share of cold nights.

If you wonder if God has a place for a person like you, find your answer in the Bethlehem stable.

3. It really comes down to that: God loves us. The story of Christmas is the story of God’s relentless love for us. Let him love you. If God was willing to wrap himself in rags and drink from a mother’s breast, then all questions about his love for you are off the table. You might question his actions, decisions, or declarations. But you can never, ever question his zany, stunning, unquenchable affection.

4. The moment Mary touched God’s face is the moment God made his case: there is no place he will not go. If he is willing to be born in a barnyard, then expect him to be at work anywhere—bars, bedrooms, boardrooms, and brothels. No place is too common. No person is too hardened. No distance is too far. There is no person he cannot reach. There is no limit to his love. When Christ was born, so was our hope.

5. This is why I love Christmas. The event invites us to believe the wildest of promises: God became one of us so we could become one with him. He did away with every barrier, fence, sin, bent, debt, and grave. Anything that might keep us from him was demolished. He only awaits our word to walk through the door.

6. Invite him in. Escort him to the seat of honor, and pull out his chair. Clear the table; clear the calendar. Call the kids and neighbors. Christmas is here. Christ is here. One request from you, and God will do again what he did then: scatter the night with everlasting light. He’ll be born in you. 

7. Listen as God whispers, “No mess turns me back; no smell turns me off. I live to live in a life like yours. Every heart can be a manger. Every day can be a Christmas. Let ‘Silent Night’ be sung on summer nights. Let Advent brighten the autumn chill. The Christmas miracle is a yearlong celebration.”

My Heart, Your Manger

Like the stable in which you lay,

my heart is simple, frail as hay.

But if you would within me stay,

Make my heart your manger, I pray.

Make my world your Bethlehem,

centerpieced with heaven’s Son.

Make this night a shepherd’s sky, quickened bright with holy dawn.

Rush the air with cherub wings.

Brush this earth. Let angels sing.

A glimpse of your face. A taste of your grace.

Be born in this place.

I pray.

Amen. 

MAX LUCADO

BECAUSE OF BETHLEHEM

BECAUSE OF BETHLEHEM PART 1 (MAX LUCADO)

ONE: I LOVE CHRISTMAS 

1. God knows what it is like to be a human. When I talk to him about deadlines or long lines or tough times, he understands. He’s been there. He’s been here. Because of Bethlehem, I have a friend in heaven.

2. Because of Bethlehem, I have a Savior in heaven. Christmas begins what Easter celebrates. The child in the cradle became the King on the cross. And because he did, there are no marks on my record. Just grace. His offer has no fine print. He didn’t tell me, “Clean up before you come in.” He offered, “Come in and I’ll clean you up.” It’s not my grip on him that matters but his grip on me. And his grip is sure.

3. So is his presence in my life. Christmas presents from Santa? That’s nice. But the perpetual presence of Christ? That’s life changing. God is always near us. Always for us. Always in us. We may forget him, but God will never forget us. We are forever on his mind and in his plans. He called himself “‘Immanuel’ (which means ‘God with us’)” (Matt. 1:23). Not just “God made us.” Not just “God thinks of us.” Not just “God above us.” But God with us.

4. God is always near us. By the way, Bethlehem was just the beginning. Jesus has promised a repeat performance. Bethlehem, Act 2. No silent night this time, however. The skies will open, trumpets will blast, and a new kingdom will begin. He will empty the tombs and melt the winter of death. He will press his thumb against the collective cheek of his children and wipe away all tears. “Begone, sorrow, sickness, wheelchairs, and cancer! Enough of you, screams of fear and nights of horror! Death, you die! Life, you reign!” The manger invites, even dares us to believe the best is yet to be. And it could all begin today.

5. But if it doesn’t, there is a reason. No day is accidental or incidental. No acts are random or wasted. Look at the Bethlehem birth. A king ordered a census. Joseph was forced to travel. Mary, as round as a ladybug, bounced on a donkey’s back. The hotel was full. The hour was late. The event was one big hassle. Yet, out of the hassle, hope was born. I love Christmas because it reminds us how “God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God” (Rom. 8:28 NLT).

TWO: GOD HAS A FACE

1. Jesus entered our world not like a human but as a human. He endured puberty, pimples, hot weather, and cranky neighbors. God became human down to his very toes. He had suspended the stars and ladled out the seas, yet he suckled a breast and slept in hay.

2. Why such a journey? Why did God go so far? A chief reason is this: he wants you to know that he gets you. He understands how you feel and has faced what you face. Jesus is not “out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help” (Heb. 4:15–16 MSG).

3. Since you know he understands, you can boldly go to him. Because of Bethlehem’s miracle, you can answer these fundamental questions: Does God care if I’m sad? Look at the tear-streaked face of Jesus as he stands near Lazarus’s tomb. Does God notice when I’m afraid? Note the resolve in the eyes of Jesus as he marches through the storm to rescue his friends. Does God know if I am ignored or rejected? Find the answer in the compassionate eyes of Christ as he stands to defend the adulterous woman.

4. “[Jesus] radiates God’s own glory and expresses the very character of God” (Heb. 1:3 NLT). Jesus himself stated, “Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father” (John 14:9). “Anyone who has seen me weep has seen the Father weep.” “Anyone who has seen me laugh has seen the Father laugh.” “Anyone who has seen me determined has seen the Father determined.” Would you like to see God? Take a look at Jesus.

5. He came with tears too. He knows the burden of a broken heart. He knows the sorrow this life can bring. He could have come as a shining light or a voice in the clouds, but he came as a person. Does God understand you? Find the answer in Bethlehem. Gaze where Mary gazed. Look into God’s face and be assured. If the King was willing to enter the world of animals and shepherds and swaddling clothes, don’t you think he’s willing to enter yours? He took on your face in the hope that you would see his.

THREE: SAVED FROM OURSELVES

1. I have a sin nature. So do you. Under the right circumstances you will do the wrong thing. You won’t want to. You’ll try not to, but you will. Why? You have a sin nature. You were born with it. We all were. Our parents didn’t teach us to throw temper tantrums; we were born with the skill. No one showed us how to steal a cookie from our sibling; we just knew. We never attended a class on pouting or passing the blame, but we could do both before we were out of our diapers. The heart of the human problem is the problem of the human heart.

2. Each one of us entered the world with a sin nature. God entered the world to take it away. Christmas commemorates the day and the way God saved us from ourselves. Look carefully at the words the angel spoke to Joseph.

"Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins" (Matt. 1:20–21)

3. Having paid sin’s penalty, Christ defuses sin’s power. The punk within diminishes, and the Christ within flourishes. God changes us day by day from one level to the next. We’ll never be sinless, but we will sin less.

4. And when we do sin, we have this assurance: the grace that saved us also preserves us. We may lose our tempers, our perspective, and our self-control. But we never lose our hope. Why? Because God has his hold on us. He “is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy” (Jude v. 24 NKJV). The believer has been saved from the guilt of sin, is being saved from problems of sin, and, upon the return of Christ, will be saved from the punishment for sin. Complete and full-service salvation. God saves!

5. It’s impossible to save those who are trying to save themselves. You might save yourself from a broken heart or going broke or running out of gas. But you aren’t good enough to save yourself from sin. You aren’t strong enough to save yourself from death. You need a Savior. Because of Bethlehem you have one.

FOUR: HOPE FOR HOLE-IDAYS

1. In that moment Mary knew it was all worth it. The ache in her back, the ache in her heart—they faded away. The questions of how, the wonderings of when—they didn’t linger. The inn had no place for her son; that was all right. He would find a place in people’s hearts. She and Joseph were far from home on the night of Jesus’ birth; that was all right. Jesus was even farther from his. There was no warm bed in which Jesus could sleep? No problem. In spite of the chaos, Christ came.

2. Let’s skip to the nativity story! Who needs to know about Tamar, Rahab, and Ruth? Why l does Matthew mention David and Solomon before he mentions Joseph and Mary? He is making a point. Chaos cannot keep Christ out of his world. The Messiah was born not because of his ancestors but in spite of them. Tamar was abandoned. Ruth was an immigrant, and Rahab was a harlot. David was an adulterer. Solomon was a philanderer. The family tree of Jesus is gnarled and crooked. Some of the kings were bloodthirsty and godless. Yet God had promised that Jesus would come, and Jesus came.

3. The surprise pregnancy, the sudden census, the long road from Nazareth to Bethlehem. Unpleasant and difficult, yet they resulted in the world’s greatest miracle. “And [Mary] brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger” (Luke 2:7 NKJV). Everything before this happened so this moment would happen. Was the first Christmas different from what Mary had planned? Yes, but it turned out greater than she could have dreamed. God used the struggles to accomplish his will.

4. Don’t you need that reminder? In your world of short nights, hard work, and high stress, don’t you need to know that Jesus holds it all together? Everything inside you and every voice around you says, “Get out. Get angry. Get drunk. Get high.” But don’t listen to the voices. You cannot face a crisis if you don’t face God first.

5. In the prayer journal of King David, we read this question: “When all that is good falls apart, what can good people do?” (Ps. 11:3 NCV). Isn’t David’s question ours? When all that is good falls apart, what can good people do? When terrorists attack, when diseases rage, when families collapse, when churches divide... When all that is good falls apart, what can good people do? What is the godly response to the unexpected mishaps and calamities of life? Curiously, David didn’t answer his question with an answer. He answered it with a declaration. “The LORD is in his holy temple. The LORD is on his throne in heaven” (v. 4 NIrV). His point is unmistakable: When everything shakes, God remains unshaken.

6. God has made a business out of turning tragedy into triumph. He did with Joseph, with Moses, with Daniel, and, most of all, he did with Jesus on the cross. The innocent one was slaughtered. Heaven’s gift was murdered. Mothers wept, evil danced, and the apostles had to wonder, “When all that is good falls apart, what do good people do?” God answered their question with a declaration, with the rumble of the earth and the rolling of the rock. He reminded them, “The LORD is in his holy temple. The LORD is on his throne in heaven” (Ps. 11:4 NIrV).

7. Is your Christmas a difficult one? Then take heart. God is still in his temple, still on his throne, still in control. And he still makes princes out of prisoners, counselors out of captives, Sundays out of Fridays, and he still brings beauty out of Bethlehems. He did then, for them. He does it still, for you and me.

FIVE: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE

1. A knock at the door...by a common couple...at a late hour...when the inn was crowded. So the innkeeper missed the opportunity. Many still do. They miss the chance to open the door. They let the birth of Jesus pass them by. The miracle of Bethlehem still happens. God enters the hamlets of our lives and speaks to us. He speaks through scriptures, sunsets, the kindness of a friend, or the warning of a medical report. He sings to us through Christmas carols. He calls to us through Christmas sermons. He reaches out through the Christmas story. “Here I am!” Jesus invites. “I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in and eat with you, and you will eat with me” (Rev. 3:20 NCV).

2. “But it’s too late,” you say. No it isn’t. It’s never too late for Christ. You are never too old, too messed up, or too worn-out. Elijah was depressed. God still came to him. Abraham was old. God still led him. Moses was long retired. God still called him. Jonah was on the run. God still used him. Jacob cheated his family. God still had a place for him. Peter betrayed Christ, Saul persecuted Christ, Thomas doubted Christ, but each learned it was not too late for Christ.

3. It’s never too late to come to Christ for help. Your stack of sins is never too high. Your list of failures is never too long. That knock at the door of your heart? That’s Jesus. It’s one thing to miss a message from your spouse, but to miss a message from God? That’s a mistake you don’t want to make. All you have to do is open the door.

CHAPTER SIX: WORSHIP WORKS WONDERS

1. The angels filled the night with light and the air with music, and, well, that’s it. They worshipped. Couldn’t they have done something more useful? Mary could have used a bed. Joseph would have benefited from an angelic escort back to Nazareth. Baby Jesus needed a bassinet. These were angels. Didn’t they know better?

2. The word worship actually evolved from the Old English word weorthscipe. “To worship, then, is to ascribe worth to someone or something.” Worship happens anytime you turn your heart toward heaven and say, “You are worthy.” When you clear your calendar for prayer, turn the radio dial to praise music, or use your morning jog to recite Bible verses or your lunch break to meditate, this is worship.

3. Worship might not be the word you’ve used to describe your passion, yet the term fits. Anytime we trust an object or activity to give us life and meaning, we worship it. When we make good things the ultimate things, we set ourselves up for disappointment.

4. He wants to hear our affection. It is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks, and when the mouth is silent, the heart is in question. Do you love God? Let him know. Tell him! Out loud. In public. Unashamed. Let there be jubilation, celebration, and festivity! “Shout to God with joyful praise!” (Ps. 47:1 NLT). “Make a joyful shout to God, all the earth!” (Ps. 66:1 NKJV).

5. Give Jesus the gift the angels gave him, the gift of praise. Don the robe of grace, soar on wings of faith, and take your place in the heavenly chorus and sing, “Glory to God in the highest.”

THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED PART 2 (GARY CHAPMAN)

SEVEN: THAT TOILET ARE NOT SELF-CLEANING

1. I raise this issue not because I am overly concerned about who will clean the toilet. However, I am greatly concerned that you will enter marriage never having discussed who is going to do what after you get married. It is what the sociologists call “marital roles.” Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages.

2. There are several factors that come into play when you discuss marital roles:

• The two of you grew up with different models

The mature couple will openly and honestly share their own expectations and, where they have differences of opinion, will negotiate an agreement about marital roles before they get married.

• Your ownphilosophy about maleness and femaleness

Your philosophy answers the question, “What does a man do and what does a woman do in a marriage relationship?” Your answer to this question has been greatly influenced by your educational experience. 

• The reality that both of you have different skills

When it comes to food preparation, one of you may be skilled at shopping for the best deals while the other may simply buy whatever is necessary to prepare the meal.

• The simple fact that each of you has likes and dislikes

Ideally, it would be nice to have each of you doing things that you enjoy doing. But if neither of you enjoys doing it, obviously someone must accept responsibility for a task that is not necessarily pleasant. 

3. We need not have the same skill sets, but it is important to recognize these differing abilities and seek to use them for the benefit of the relationship. On a football team, all eleven players have the same objective, but they don’t all play the same role.

4. If you are seriously contemplating marriage, make a list of all the things that come to mind that will have to be done in order to maintain a household. Make two copies of this list and, individually and separately, sit down with the list and put your initials beside those items that you think will be your responsibility. Where you have disagreements, it calls for negotiation. Share with each other your reasons for the choice you made. Be as open and honest as you can about what brought you to that conclusion. After listening to each other empathetically, then seek to make an agreement on who will accept that responsibility. (If you can’t agree before marriage, what makes you think you will agree after marriage?)

5. Completing this assignment does not mean that you are locked into these responsibilities for the rest of your life. After six months of marriage, you may want to renegotiate some of these things. But it does mean you will enter marriage with a better understanding of your expectations of each other. Completing these exercises and reaching agreement on who will do what will save you many conflicts and make life flow much more harmoniously for both of you.

EIGHT: THAT WE NEEDED A PLAN FOR HANDLING OUR MONEY

1. First, to agree that after marriage, it will no longer be “my money” and “your money” but “our money.” At the heart of marriage is the desire for unity. “For better or for worse,” we intend to live life together. The implication is that we will share our income and work as a team in deciding what to do with our money. Incidentally, this also means that his and her debts will become “our debts,” and we have the responsibility to develop a plan to repay these debts. It also implies that his and her savings will become “our savings.” If you are not ready for this kind of unity, then you are not ready for marriage.

2. Second, to agree on a percentage of income that you will save, give away, and spend. The purpose of giving is to express gratitude for what has been given to you. The ancient Jewish and Christian traditions encourage the giving of 10 percent of one’s income. The happiest people in the world are not those who have the most money but those who have learned the satisfaction of giving to help others. An early Christian text says, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35).

3. Another extremely important matter that needs to be discussed by every couple is credit buying. If you have a credit card, use it only for emergencies (medical treatment) and necessities (car repairs, major appliances). Then, pay off the balance as quickly as possible. Never use the card for non-essentials— instead, save and pay cash.

4. Why must you have the biggest and the best now? With such a philosophy, you destroy the joy of aspiration and attainment. The necessities of life are relatively few. They can be met on your present income. I am not opposed to aspiring for more and better “things” if these can be used for good. But I am suggesting that you live in the present rather than the future. Leave the future joys for future accomplishments. Enjoy today what you have today.

5. The final suggestion I wish to make is that you decide before marriage who will keep the books after you are married. The one who “keeps the books” is the one who pays the monthly bills and keeps tabs on the online accounts. This is the person who seeks to keep the two of you on track with the spending plan upon which you have agreed. This does not mean that the one chosen to keep the books is in charge of making financial decisions. Such decisions are to be made as a team.

CHAPTER NINE: THAT MUTUAL SEXUAL FULFILLMENT IS NOT AUTOMATIC

1. First, men focus on intercourse, women focus on relationship. If the relationship has been fractured by harsh words or irresponsible behavior, the female will find it very hard to be interested in sex. To her, sex is an intimate act and grows out of a loving relationship. Ironically, men often think that sexual intercourse will solve whatever relationship problems may exist. 

2. Another way of expressing this reality i that for women, sex begins in the kitchen, not in the bedroom. If he speaks her love language in the kitchen, she is far more open to having sex when they reach the bedroom. If her love language is acts of service, then washing dishes and taking out the garbage may be a sexual turn-on for her. While a husband may have a satisfying sexual experience with his wife even when his “love tank” is not full, the wife would find that extremely difficult.

3. Second, to the wife, foreplay is more important than the actual act of intercourse itself. While women like to simmer, men tend to reach the boiling point much faster. It is the tender touches and kisses of foreplay that bring her to the point of desiring intercourse. Without sufficient foreplay, the wife will often feel violated. 

4. Third, mutual sexual satisfaction does not require simultaneous climax. The fact is, seldom do couples have a simultaneous climax or orgasm. What is important is that each of you experiences the pleasure of climax or orgasm. Such pleasure does not have to come simultaneously.

5. Fourth, when one forces a particular sexual act upon one’s spouse, it ceases to be an act of love and becomes sexual abuse. True love is always seeking to bring pleasure to the spouse. It is never demanding something that the spouse finds objectionable. If the two of you disagree on a particular kind of sexual expression, then it calls for communication and negotiation. If you cannot reach an agreement, then love respects the desires of the spouse who objects. To violate this principle is to sabotage mutual sexual fulfillment.

6. Fifth, sex is more than intercourse. By its very nature, sex is a bonding experience. It is the union of male and female in the most intimate way. It is the union of body, soul, and spirit. It is designed to be the unique bonding experience that unites a husband and wife in a lifelong intimate relationship. On the other hand, when intercourse is viewed as an act of love that expresses in the deepest possible way our commitment to each other, it leads to mutual sexual fulfillment.

7. Sixth, communication is the key that unlocks sexual fulfillment. The only way we can learn what is pleasurable or objectionable to the other is to listen as they choose to talk. Empathetic listening is listening with a view to discovering what the other person is thinking and feeling. What are their desires and frustrations? Ask this question once a month for the first six months of their marriage: “What could I do or not do that would make the sexual part of the marriage better for you?” Write down their answer and take it seriously. 

8. Seven, the past never remains in the past. In today’s sexually open culture, many couples have been sexually active before marriage. The commonly held idea is that sexual experience before marriage better prepares you for marriage. The reality is that previous sexual experience often becomes a psychological barrier in achieving sexual unity in marriage.

9. It is far better to deal with past sexual experiences before marriage. When we are silent on this subject and enter marriage without discussing our past sexual activities, almost always the past has a way of erupting into the present. When this happens after marriage, the awareness of deception is often more difficult to overcome than the sexual activity itself. If knowing the truth about past sexual experiences does not help you find healing and acceptance before marriage, then my advice is to postpone the marriage while the two of you work through the issue with each other or perhaps with the help of a counselor. If ultimately you cannot find healing and acceptance of the past, then in my opinion you would be wise to cancel your plans to get married. If you are struggling with this issue, I would encourage you to read The Invisible Bond: How to Break Free from Your Sexual Past, which will give you further help on how to process the past in a positive way.

CHAPTER TEN: THAT I WAS MARRYING INTO A FAMILY

1. When you marry, you become a part of an extended family. Life will be much easier if you can have a positive relationship with this extended family. Your relationship with each of these individuals depends on the opportunities you have to interact with each other.

2. Five keys issues:

• Holiday

At the top of the list will be Christmas. In Western culture, more families get together at Christmas than at any other holiday. Often, the problem is that his parents want both of you at their house on Christmas Day and her parents want the same.

• Traditions

Traditions are often undergirded by deep emotions and should never be treated

lightly.

• Expectations

Unless you have spent a great deal of time with them before marriage, you may be blindsided by these expectations.

• Patterns of behavior that you find irritating or troublesome

You may discover that your father-in-law goes out with “the boys” every Thursday night and normally comes home intoxicated and verbally abuses his wife. 

• Religious belief that differ from yours

One young husband said, “Every time I’m around her father, it’s like he’s trying to convert me to his brand of Christianity. I am a Christian but I’m not as dogmatic and pushy as he is. I think religion is a personal matter and I resent him trying to pressure me to agree with him.”

3. In these and numerous other areas, you will discover that your in-laws are individuals who have unique thoughts, feelings, and desires. These may differ from yours. So, how do you build a positive relationship with your in-laws? 

~The process begins by learning to listen empathetically

By empathetic listening, I mean listening with a view to understanding what your in-laws think, how they came to that conclusion, and how strongly they feel about it.

~Always speak for yourself

Instead of saying, “You hurt my feelings when you said that,” you might say, “I felt hurt when I heard you say that.” When you start your sentence with “I,” you are giving your perspective. When you begin your sentence with “you,” you are placing blame and will likely experience a defensive response from your in-laws.

~Learning to negotiate differences

Negotiation begins by someone making a proposal. Negotiation is enhanced when you make requests and not demands.

~Learn the primary love language of your in-laws and speak that language regularly

 When your in-laws feel genuinely loved, it creates a positive climate in which to negotiate differences.

CHAPTER ELEVEN: THAT SPIRITUALITY IS NOT TO BE EQUATED WITH "GOING TO CHURCH"

1. When couples are contemplating marriage, religion needs to be near the top of the list in matters that need to be discussed. The question is, “Are our spiritual beliefs compatible?" Few things have the potential for causing marital conflict more than divergent spiritual views. That is why most world religions encourage their adherents to marry within their own religious tradition.

2. So what are the issues that need to be looked at? First, there is one’s concept of God. The Hebrew scriptures begin with these words: “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” A few paragraphs later we read, “So God created human beings in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." Are these words to be taken literally? Is there a transcendent, powerful creator who not only created the universe but made man in His own image? Or is this simply to be taken as Hebrew mythology? Your answer to those questions will have a profound impact on your self perception and how you live your life. Your answers to the following questions will reveal the level of your spiritual compatibility.

3. We do not choose our family, and thus, the religion, into which we are born. But as adults, we have the responsibility to seek truth in all areas of life. If you realize that your religion is simply a cultural artifact, I would encourage you to take the time to explore the history and beliefs of your religious heritage and discuss your journey openly with the person you are dating. If you cannot be honest and open about your religious beliefs before marriage, you are not likely to do so after marriage and your religious beliefs will likely become a source of conflict.

4. If you are contemplating marriage to someone outside your own Christian tradition, I urge you to explore both of your traditions and seek to negotiate your differences. To marry simply because you are “in love” and to ignore the implications of these spiritual differences are signs of immaturity.

5. Religious beliefs are often accompanied by strong emotions and deeply held convictions. Even atheists often hold their non-God views tenaciously, and those beliefs affect the way they approach life. In that sense, though they deny the existence of God, they are deeply religious. Because our religious beliefs affect all of life, it is very important that we explore the foundation of spiritual compatibility before we make the commitment to marriage.

CHAPTER TWELVE: THAT PERSONALITY PROFOUNDLY INFLUENCES BEHAVIOR

1. "Morning persons” and “Night persons".

A morning person will never become a night person, and a night person will never become a morning person. It’s a part of our personality. With effort, we can push ourselves to be functional in those early or late hours that are not prime time for us.

2. The Pessimist and the Optimist

The optimist sees the glass as half full; the pessimist sees it as half empty. The optimist sees the possibilities while the pessimist sees the problems. Each of us has a basic leaning in one direction or the other, but we are often unaware of this aspect of our personality. The answer to this personality difference lies in understanding and accepting the differences, and not condemning each other for being who they are. They must then negotiate a method of honoring each other’s personality. 

3. The Neatnik and the Slob

Some people do live by the motto “A place for everything and everything in its place.” Other people have no compulsion to put away their tools, clothes, used coffee mugs, or anything else. If you fall into different categories, then now is the time for negotiation. Face reality and discuss who will be responsible for what after you are married in order to keep some level of emotional sanity.

4. The “Dead Sea” and the “Babbling Brook"

Some people talk freely about everything. Others are more thoughtful, introspective, and less likely to share their thoughts and feelings. I have often referred to the latter as 

5. Passives and Aggressives

The old adage says, “Some people read history; others make it.” Often these people are married to each other. The aggressive husband or wife believes that each day is a new opportunity to advance the cause. They will aggressively pursue what they want, what they believe to be right, or what they think should happen. On the other hand, the passive person will spend time thinking, analyzing, wondering “What if?” and waiting for something good to happen. Their theme is, “Everything comes to him who waits.”

6. Professors and Dancers

Some people are extremely logical in their reasoning. They progress through rational steps and reach what to them is a logical conclusion. Other people simply know in their heart what is right in a given situation. They cannot tell you why or how they reached that conclusion; they simply know that it is the right decision.

7. The Organizer and the Free Spirit

The organizer will give attention to the details while the spontaneous person—the “free spirit”—thinks, “The details will take care of themselves.

8. If the two of you go for premarital counseling, your counselor may also suggest an assessment tool called PREPARE/ENRICH. This is a more comprehensive profile and is geared specifically to couples who are thinking of marriage. This profile will need to be administered, scored, and interpreted by a counselor, but it can be an extremely helpful exercise as a couple moves toward marriage.

APPENDIX

DEVELOPING A HEALHTY DATING RELATIONSHIP

1. There are two distinct stages of dating: casual dating and committed dating. Casual dating may or may not have romantic overtones. The focus of casual dating is enjoying life together and sharing a common interest. Casual dating is typically nonexclusive; that is, one or both of the individuals may also have dating relationships with other people. 

2. Casual dating normally moves in one of three directions:

~If no romantic interest develops and they each have a strong common interest, they may develop a strong friendship that focuses on some common activity. These kinds of mutually enjoyable relationships often continue for years.

~A second possibility is that the casual dating relationship will end. Perhaps one of them has a strong romantic attraction and the other does not. This in itself may become a conflict that leads to ending the relationship. Or, if neither has a romantic interest in the other and they have no strong mutual bond, the relationship dies a natural death.

~The third possibility is that in time, even if it were not present in the beginning, they each develop a strong romantic interest in the other. Their times together are mutually enjoyable, and they begin to think that they may be “falling in love” with each other. The relationship will move from casual dating to committed dating.

3. Committed dating is much more serious than casual dating. It is normally perceived as an exclusive relationship. If one of them chooses to date someone else, the one who is betrayed will experience great pain. They will not hesitate to verbalize their pain, and the ensuing conversation will lead either to the breakup of the relationship or to a commitment to each other.

4. Healthy dating relationships will focus on “getting to know” each other. This is really what serious dating is all about. The human psyche is a complex combination of heredity and environment. What you see on the outside is not necessarily what you will discover on the inside. This process of discovery requires a high level of honesty on the part of both individuals. In the early stages of dating, we tend to “put our best foot forward.” That is, we strive to make a good impression. But that is not the attitude which leads to a healthy dating relationship.

5. There are two areas in which honesty is often extremely difficult. One is in sharing our sexual history and the other is in sharing our financial history. Simply because something is “hard to deal with” does not mean it should be ignored. Real life has to do with dealing with hard issues. Learning how to do this while dating prepares you for a healthy marriage in the future.

6. In a healthy dating relationship, you will each foster the educational and vocational goals of the other. After all, our education and vocation are a huge part of life. The young man who says to his girlfriend who is a junior in college, “Why don’t you drop out of college and marry me? I’m going to have a career in the military and you don’t need a college degree,” is not the kind of young man who is ready for marriage. This attitude reveals his own self-centeredness. In a mature relationship, we are encouraging each other and helping each other in the pursuit of educational and vocational goals.

7. A healthy dating relationship will also be a balanced relationship. In an effort to identify the various aspects of our humanity, we often use such words as intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical

• The intellectual has to do with our thoughts, our desires, and our perceptions of life. Learning how to disagree and not be disagreeable is one of the evidences of intellectual compatibility

• The emotional aspect of life has to do with our unsolicited emotional responses to the events we encounter in life. Our feelings are not something we choose; they simply come as a part of life. Learning to share these emotions and understand where they are coming from, and choosing a positive response to our feelings are an important part of the process of maturing. Learning how to help each other process emotions is a part of growing a healthy dating relationship.

• We are also social creatures. We seek to share life with others. There is something about human nature that desires to live in community. 

• Then there is the spiritual aspect of life. Man seems inescapably spiritual. So, what l are your concepts of spiritual reality and what are the perceptions of your dating partner? How fully have you discussed this area of life? Because spiritual beliefs often affect the rest of life, this aspect of life is exceedingly important. 

• The fifth dimension of our humanity is that we are physical creatures. People differ widely on what they believe to be appropriate touches in a dating relationship. What is important in a healthy relationship is that we respect each other’s boundaries. To force a dating partner to go beyond these boundaries is never an act of love and will be detrimental to the relationship.

THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED

GARY CHAPMAN

THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED PART 1 (GARY CHAPMAN)

INTRODUCTION: I WISH I HAD KNOWN

1. People do not get married planning to divorce. Divorce is the result of a lack of preparation for marriage and the failure to learn the skills of working together as teammates in an intimate relationship.

2. What is ironic is that we recognize the need for education in all other pursuits of life and fail to recognize that need when it comes to marriage. Most people spend far more time in preparation for their vocation than they do in preparation for marriage. Therefore, it should not be surprising that they are more successful in their vocational pursuits than they are in reaching the goal of marital happiness.

3. The decision to get married will impact one’s life more deeply than almost any decision in life. Yet people continue to rush into marriage with little or no preparation for making a marriage successful. In fact, many couples give far more attention to making plans for the wedding than making plans for marriage. The wedding festivities last only a few hours, while the marriage, we hope, will last for a lifetime.

ONE: THAT BEING IN LOVE IS NOT AN ADEQUATE FOUNDATION FOR BUILDING A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

1. I have often asked couples in our first session this question: “Why do you want to get married?” Whatever else they say, they always give me the big reason. And the big reason is almost always the same: “Because we love each other.” Then I ask a very unfair question: “What do you mean by that?” Typically they are stunned by the question. Most say something about a deep feeling that they have for each other. It has persisted for some time and is in some way different from what they have felt for other dating partners.

2. Often we fail to consider the fact that our social, spiritual, and intellectual interests are miles apart. Our value systems and goals are contradictory, but we are in love. The great tragedy stemming from this perception of love is that a year after the marriage, a couple sits in the counselor’s office and say, “We don’t love each other anymore.” Therefore, they are ready to separate. After all, if “love” is gone, then “surely you don’t expect us to stay together.”

3. Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. However, emotions change and obsessions fade. Research indicates that the average life span of the “in love” obsession is two years. Then we come down off the emotional high and those aspects of life that we disregarded in our euphoria begin to become important. Our differences begin to emerge and we often find ourselves arguing with the person whom we once thought to be perfect. We have now discovered for ourselves that being in love is not the foundation for a happy marriage.

TWO: THAT ROMANTIC LOVE HAS TWO STAGES

1. The first stage requires little effort. We are pushed along by euphoric feelings. We commonly call this stage “being in love.” When we are in love, we freely do things for each other without thought of cost or sacrifice. In this stage of romantic love, the couple does not have to work on the relationship. They may expend great energy in doing things for each other, but they would not consider it work. They would tend to use the word delight. When we are in love, the rest of the world doesn’t matter. We are totally focused on being with each other and making each other happy.

2. The second stage of romantic love is much more intentional than the first stage. And, yes, it requires work in order to keep emotional love alive. I began to discover that what makes one person feel loved does not necessarily make another person feel loved; and that when couples come down off the in love emotional high, they often miss each other in their efforts to express love. I later called them the five love languages.

3. Each of us grows up speaking a language with a dialect. Everyone has a language and a dialect and that is the one we understand best. The same is true with love. Everyone has a primary love language. One of the five speaks more deeply to us emotionally than the other four. By nature we tend to speak our own language. Whatever makes us feel loved is what we do for the other person. But if it is not his/her language, it will not mean to them what it means to us.

4. The five love languages:

• WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. This language uses words to affirm the other person. Your words may focus on the other person’s personality or the way they look or something they have done for you or for others. To speak this language, you look for things you admire or appreciate about the person and you verbally express your admiration.

• ACTS OF SERVICE. For these people, actions speak louder than words. The key to loving this person is to find out what things they would like for you to do. Then do them consistently.

• RECEIVING GIFTS. For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift. The best gifts are those that you know will be appreciated. Better to give a gift that they have requested than to surprise them with a gift they do not desire.

• QUALITY TIME. Quality time is giving the other person your undivided attention. It is being in the same room with the TV off, the magazine on the table, looking at each other, talking and listening. Quality time says, “I’m doing this because I want to be with you.

• PHYSICAL TOUCH. We have long known the emotional power of physical touch. Appropriate touch is loving. Inappropriate touch is demeaning. To the person whose primary love language is physical touch, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.

5. Here are three approaches to help you discover your own primary love language:

a. First, observe your own behavior. The language you speak is most likely the language you wish to receive.

b. Second, what do you complain about? The complaints reveal what you most like to receive from other people.

c. Third, what do you request most often?Keeping romantic love alive in a marriage requires making a successful transition from Stage One to Stage Two. Learning each other’s primary love language while you are dating will make the transition much easier. 

THREE: THAT THE SAYING "LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER" AND "LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON" IS NOT A MYTH

1. I am not suggesting that the girl you marry will turn out to be exactly like her mother, nor that the man will be exactly like his father. I am saying that you are both greatly influenced by your parents. If he has a father who is controlling and verbally abusive, don’t be surprised if in ten years he has similar traits. To some degree, we are all products of our environment. Research indicates that abusive men were almost always abused as children.

2. Whether we are talking about positive or negative characteristics, most of us are far more like our parents than we realize. Communication patterns are another area in which we tend to be like our parents. If this irritates you, now is the time to talk about it. If this pattern is not changed before marriage, it will not automatically change when you do get married.

3. Because we have grown up with our parents, we don’t recognize their patterns of communication as being unhealthy. For us, it is simply the way it has always been. It often takes someone outside the family drawing the communication pattern to our attention to help us understand why the pattern needs to be changed. Because we are influenced by our parents’ communication patterns, we are very likely to adopt them as our own. The good news is that these communication patterns can be changed and the time to make the change is while you are dating.

4. Often in today’s fast-moving culture, dating couples will spend little time with each other’s parents. They come to marriage without any clear understanding of the parental model with which the other person grew up. Even when couples spend time with each other’s parents, they are not closely observing the behavior and communication patterns of parents. They may express appreciation for the positive things that they observe but are likely to ignore negative patterns of speech or behavior—because they cannot imagine that the person they are dating would ever adopt those negative behaviors.

5. This is why I encourage couples to have enough exposure to each other’s parents to get to know their personalities, communication patterns, values, and especially how they relate to each other. This is the model that has greatly influenced the person you are dating. If you observe things that trouble you, these need to be discussed thoroughly with your dating partner. If your concerns are serious, you need to discuss what steps will be taken to make sure that the old sayings “Like mother, like daughter” and “Like father, like son” will not become a reality in your relationship.

FOUR: HOW TO SOLVE DISAGREEMENT WITHOUT ARGUING

1. First, we must begin by accepting the reality that we will have conflicts. Conflicts are not a sign that you have married the wrong person. They simply affirm that you are human. Our ideas and perceptions of life are influenced by our history, our values, and our personality. And these factors are different for each of us.

2. Some of our conflicts will be major; some of our conflicts will be minor. Large or small, all conflicts have the potential of destroying an evening, a week, a month, or a lifetime. On the other hand, conflicts have the potential of teaching us how to love, support, and encourage each other. This is by far the better road to travel. The difference is in how you process the conflicts.

3. Once you have accepted the reality of conflicts, you need to discover a healthy plan for processing your conflicts. Such a plan begins with recognizing the need to listen. When most of us have conflicts, we feel the need to talk, but talking without listening leads to arguments. The real need is the need to listen. Requesting a time for listening creates a much different atmosphere.”

4. After you have heard and affirmed each other’s ideas, you are now ready to look for a solution to the conflict. The big word in finding a solution is “compromise.” However, compromise in a marriage is not only positive but it is necessary. Compromise means to find a meeting place. It requires each of you to be willing to give up something in order to have harmony in the marriage. If, on the other hand, we both insist on having our way, then we are back in the argument mode. In marriage it is never “having my way.” It is rather discovering “our” way.

5. There is always a solution to conflicts. Two individuals who choose to be friends will find that solution. 

6. Typically, there are three ways to resolve conflicts, once you are seeking them:

• Meeting in the middle. You find a meeting place by agreeing to do a part of what each of you desired while each of you also sacrifices a bit. It involves finding a meeting place in the middle of your original ideas that both of you agree is workable.

• Meeting on your side. This means that after you hear each other’s ideas and feelings, one of you decides that on this occasion, it is best to do what the other has in mind. This is a total sacrifice of your original idea, choosing rather to do what your spouse desires and to do it with a positive attitude. You are choosing to do what they desire as an act of love because you care about them and you see how important it is to them.

• Meeting later. This approach says, “At the moment, I’m not able to conscientiously agree with your idea, and I don’t see a place to meet in the middle. Can we just agree that for the moment, we disagree on this? And we will discuss it again in a week or month, and look for a solution. In the meantime, we will love each other, enjoy each other, and support each other. In some areas of life, “meeting later” can be a permanent solution, especially in areas where there is no “right” or “wrong” answer. Essentially, we agree to disagree on what is the logical thing to do, and we choose a practical solution.

7. In one of these three ways, you can resolve your conflicts. The key, of course, is creating a friendly atmosphere by listening to each other and affirming each other’s perspective rather than accusing each other of illogical thinking. When we learn to affirm each other’s ideas and look for solutions, we can process the normal conflicts in a marriage relationship and learn to work together as a team.

FIVE: THAT APOLOGIZING IS A SIGN OF STRENGTH

1.  I discovered that the Christian scriptures l have a great deal to say about confession and repentance. Confession means to admit that what I did or failed to do is wrong. Repentance means that I consciously turn from that wrong and seek to do what is right. I was attracted by the boldness of John the apostle who said, “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, [God] is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (I John 1:8-9).

2. We asked hundreds of people two questions. First, “When you apologize, what do you typically say or do?” Second, “When someone apologizes to you, what do you expect to hear them say or do?” Their answers fell into five categories. We call them “the five languages of apology.” The evidence was clear—what one person considers to be an apology is not what another person considers to be an apology. Thus, couples often miss each other in their efforts to apologize.

3. The five apology languages:

~Expressing regret

“I’m sorry” may well be the first words in expressing this apology language. However, you need to tell what you are sorry for. This apology language is an emotional language. 

~Accepting Responsibility

This apology begins with the words “I was wrong,” and then goes on to explain what was wrong about your behavior. 

~Making restitution

This apology language seeks to “make it right.” For the person whose primary apology language is “making restitution,” what they really want to know is “Do you still love me?” Your behavior seems so unloving to them that they wonder how you could love them and do what you did. Thus, what they request of you may well be in keeping with their love language.

~Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior

This apology seeks to come up with a plan to keep the bad behavior from reoccurring. In some people’s eyes, if your apology does not  include a desire to change your behavior, you have not truly apologized. Whatever else you say, they do not see it as being sincere.

~Requesting forgiveness

“Will you please forgive me?” These words are music to the ears of the person whose primary apology language is “requesting forgiveness.” In their mind, if you are sincere, you will ask them to forgive you. 

4. When couples learn how to apologize in a manner that is meaningful to the other person, they make forgiveness much easier. What most people want to know when you are attempting to apologize is “Are you sincere?” However, they judge your sincerity by whether or not you are speaking what to them is a genuine apology. That means you must learn to speak your apology in their primary apology language. When you do, they sense your real sincerity.

5. It’s not necessary to be perfect in order to have a good marriage. But it is necessary to apologize when you do things that hurt each other. And if saying ‘I’m sorry’ is your partner's primary apology language, then you will need to learn to speak it.”

SIX: THAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT A FEELING

1. Forgiveness presupposes that a wrong has been committed. Irritations do not call for forgiveness; rather, they call for negotiation. However, when one of you speaks or behaves unkindly to the other, it calls for an apology and forgiveness if the relationship is to be restored. When one of us offends the other, an emotional barrier is erected between the two of us. The passing of time will never remove the barrier. Barriers are removed by sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness.

2. In the Jewish and Christian scriptures, there are three Hebrew words and four Greek words that are translated as forgive. They are synonyms with various shades of meaning. The most basic idea is “to pardon,” or “to take away.” When speaking of God forgiving us, the scriptures say, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has [God] removed our transgressions from us" (Psalm 103:12). Forgiveness removes the barrier, and lifts the penalty. No longer does God demand that we pay for our wrongdoing. When we sincerely apologize and request His forgiveness, He pardons us and will never again hold that failure against us.

3. We are instructed to forgive each other in the same way that God forgives us. Thus, forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision. It is the decision to offer grace instead of demanding justice. Forgiveness removes the barrier and opens the possibility for the relationship to grow.

4. Four things that forgiveness does not do:

• Forgiveness does not destroy our memory

I have sometimes heard people say, “If you have not forgotten, you have not forgiven.” That statement is untrue. The human brain records every experience, good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant.

• Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrongdoing

All of our behavior has consequences. Positive behavior has positive consequences. Negative behavior has negative consequences.

• Forgiveness does not rebuild trust 

How then is trust rebuilt? By changing your

behavior and by being trustworthy. Over a period of time, if I see you are doing what you say you will do and being open and aboveboard in all of our dealings, I come again to trust you.

• Forgiveness does not always result in reconciliation

Reconciliation means “to bring back to harmony.” Reconciliation requires working through differences, finding new ways of doing things, solving the conflicts of the past, and learning how to work together as a team. How long does it take to be reconciled? That depends largely on how long the two of you have been “out of harmony".

5. What if the person who has offended you does not apologize? The most positive approach you can take is to lovingly confront them with their offense and hope that they will apologize and you can forgive. If your first attempt fails, I suggest you make a second and third attempt. An apology says, “I value this relationship, and I want to deal with this problem.” The refusal to apologize says, “I do not value this relationship, and it’s okay with me if we continue to be estranged.” We cannot force an apology but we can extend and express our willingness to forgive. If, in the final analysis, they are unwilling to restore the relationship, you may then release them to God and release your hurt and anger to Him. Don’t allow their unwillingness to deal with the problem destroy your life. It takes two people to build a positive, healthy relationship.

NOT THE FIRST CHOICE, BUT GOD'S BEST CHOICE

Beberapa waktu lalu, dirut cerita ke aku kenapa aku yang ketrima kerja di kantor ini. Jadi awalnya dirut bilang kalo minta supervisor finance tuh cowok, jadi yang direkomendasiin adalah temennya manager finance. Karena waktu itu dia diminta untuk kelilingan di kantor sebelah, dia mundur. Akhirnya ex dirut ngelobi dirut yang sekarang supaya tuker posisi, calon anak barunya di apartment, manager yang handle perumahaan. 

Lalu dari beberapa kandidat, tiba2 namaku yang disebut ama orang kepercayaan dari salah satu pemegang saham. Jadi intinya taon 2018 aku sempet ditelpon 1 perusahaan en ditawari posisi supervisor tax accounting, padahal aku ga ngelamar. Ga disangka, ternyata kantorku sekarang ini serumpun ama perusahaan yang nawari aku kerjaan. Aku ga kenal orang kepercayaan itu, bingung juga kenapa aku yang dipilih. Maybe Tuhan yang rekomendasiin namaku yaakk 😁

Sebenernya sejak awal masuk kantor ini, aku sadar kalo aku ga mampu, banyak hal yang ga kuketahui tentang proyek, pengalamanku sangat minim. Tapi aku sadar bahwa tiap langkah dipenuhi penyertaan Tuhan. Aku bersyukur setahun terakhir ini belajar banyak hal, ngalami progress signifikan dalam segala aspek kehidupan, dikasi kesempatan untuk bertumbuh. Semuanya bener2 karena kebaikan Tuhan. 

Dari cerita dirut, aku jadi tau kalo awalnya aku bakal ditempatkan di kantor sebelah yang dipimpin ama ex dirut yang ga beres. Untungnya dituker, sehingga aku di bawah kepemimpinan dirut yang sekarang. Istilahnya aku diluputkan dari pemimpin yang lama. Walopun dirut yang sekarang ini juga ga mumpuni dalam posisi dirut, sering plin-plan en ngeyel, tapi jauh lebih mending daripada ex dirut yang super otoriter en semena2. Aku tau bahwa ada kebaikan bahkan dalam kondisi yang ga baik sekalipun.

Aku tau bahwa aku bukanlah pilihan pertama di kantor ini, ga heran di awal aku masuk kok semua orang kaget. Tapi aku tau bahwa inilah pilihan terbaik Tuhan bagiku di masa2 itu. Aku sangat bersyukur dengan semua proses, pembelajaran, pembentukan serta peremukan setahun terakhir ini yang bener2 mengubahkan hidupku. Thanks Tuhan karena Engkau selalu baik di setiap musim, Kau yang menaruhku di pusat kehendak-Mu yang sempurna.

Aku jadi inget kata2 ko Philip di salah satu kotbahnya: 

"Aku akan memberi makan engkau dari milik pusaka Yakub": milik pusaka tidak untuk jual beli. Artinya ada berkat tertentu yang tidak bisa diusahakan. Ada beberapa pekerjaan yang akan diberikan kepadamu bukan karena interview, tapi karena Seseorang mengasihimu.

.Sekalipun kantor begitu terdampak akibat covid-19 en kelihatannya semua jalan tertutup untuk melanjutkan proyek, aku yakin bahwa Tuhan sediakan yang terbaik bagiku. Entah bakal tetap dipertahankan disini ato pindah ke kantor lain, aku berserah penuh akan rancangan-Mu yang sempurna, ya Bapa. .

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD)

WHAT IS OCD? 

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) has two main parts:

• Obsessions are unwelcome thoughts, images, urges, worries or doubts that repeatedly appear in your mind. They can make you feel very anxious (although  some people describe it as mental discomfort rather than anxiety).

• Compulsions are repetitive activities that you do to reduce the anxiety caused by the obsession. It could be something like repeatedly checking a door is locked, repeating a specific phrase in your head or checking how your body feels.

“It's not about being tidy, it's about having no control over your negative thoughts. It's about being afraid not doing things a certain way will cause harm.” 

You might find that sometimes your obsessions and compulsions are manageable, and other times they may make your day-to-day life really difficult. They may be more severe when you are stressed about other things, like life changes, health, money, work or relationships.

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO LIVE WITH OCD?

If you experience OCD, it's likely that your obsessions and compulsions will have a big  impact on how you live your life. For example:

• Disruption to your day-to-day life

Repeating compulsions can take up a lot of time and you might avoid certain situations that trigger your OCD.

• Impact on your relationships

You may feel that you have to hide your OCD from people close to you–or your doubts and anxieties about a relationship may make it too difficult to continue.

• Feeling ashamed or lonely

You may feel ashamed of your obsessive thoughts, or worry that they can't be treated. This can make you feel isolated and lonely.

• Feeling anxious

Some people feel that they become slaves to their compulsions and have to carry them out so frequently that they have little control over them.

“I knew it was irrational ... but tapping certain objects would ease the effect of the terrible intrusive thoughts. It would be time-consuming but at least then I could feel like I wasn't a bad person.”

RELATED DISORDERS

There are some other mental health problems that are similar to OCD because they involve repetitive thoughts, behaviours or urges:

~Perinatal OCD is when you experience OCD during pregnancy or after birth.

~Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) involves obsessive worrying about one or more perceived flaws in your physical appearance and developing compulsive routines to deal with worries about the way you look.

~Compulsive skin picking (CSP) is the repetitive picking at your skin to relieve anxiety or urges. It can be experienced as part of body dysmorphic disorder (BDD).

• Trichotillomania is a compulsive urge to pull out your hair.

• Hoarding is when you collect, keep and find it hard to get rid of things, to the point where it affects your day-to-day life.

• Obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a type of personality disorder. It has some related traits to OCD, but is a different and separate condition.

OCD AND STIGMA

Lots of people have misconceptions about what OCD is. Some people think it just means you wash your hands a lot or that you like things to be tidy. They might even make jokes about it, or describe themselves as a ‘little bit OCD’. This can be frustrating and upsetting, especially if someone who feels this way is a friend, colleague, family member or a health care professional.

These are some options that you can also think about:

a. Show people this information to help them understand more about what your diagnosis really means.

b. Get more involved in your treatment

c. Know your rights

d. Take action with mind