WILD GRACE (MAX LUCADO) ADAPTED BY JAMES LUND

PART 1: GOD, GRACE, AND YOU

ONE: THE GRACE ADVENTURE

"God's grace has a drenching about it. A wildness about it. A whitewater, riptide, turn-you-upside-downness about it. Grace comes after you".

1. It doesn’t get easier, does it? Bad hair days. Bad class days. Bad choices that ruin families, friendships, and futures, making you feel like a failure. Will you ever figure it all out? God answers the junk of life with one word: grace.

One dictionary definition of “grace” is “unmerited divine assistance.” Sounds simple enough— God giving us something we don’t deserve. But do we really get grace? And even if we do, does it have anything to do with our lives?

2. This book asks deeper questions: Have you been changed by grace? Shaped by grace? Strengthened by grace? Emboldened by grace? Softened by grace? Snatched by the nape of your neck and shaken to your senses by grace? God’s grace has a drenching about it. A wildness about it. A whitewater, riptide, turn-you-upside-downness about it. Grace comes after you. It rewires you. From insecure to God-secure. From regret-riddled to better-because-of-it. From afraid to die to ready to fly. Grace is the voice that calls us to change and then gives us the power to pull it off. Once you encounter it, you’ll never be the same.

"Grace is a certain beginning of glory in us" —Saint Thomas Aquinas

3. Grace is everything Jesus. Grace lives because He does, works because He works, and matters because He matters. To be saved by grace is to be saved by Him, not by an idea, rule, or church membership, but by Jesus Himself, who will sweep into heaven anyone who so much as gives Him the nod.
4. Not, mind you, in response to a finger snap, a religious chant, or a secret handshake. Grace won’t be stage-managed. It’s like Jesus Himself: uncontainable, untamable. Like a wild, whitewater kayak ride that is thrilling and scary and joyful. Grace isn’t merely an app to be acquired. It’s an adventure to be lived.

Are you wondering what to make of this crazy existence? Too weary to have hope in yourself or your future? Worried you’ve messed up so badly that even God will turn you away? Wild grace is what you need. Let’s make certain it happens to you.

TWO: NO MORE CRITICS

"A clean conscience. A clear record. A clean heart. Free from accusation. Free from condemnation. Not just from your past mistakes but also from the ones ahead".

1. Jesus “stooped down and wrote in the dust” (v. 6 NLT). He bent down to wash feet, to embrace children. Bent down to pull Peter out of the sea, to pray in the garden before soldiers arrested Him. Bent down to carry the cross they used to crucify Him. Grace is a God who stoops. Here He stooped to write in the sand.
2. Jesus wasn’t finished. He stood one final time and asked the woman, “Where are your accusers?” (v. 10 NLT). My, my, my. What a question—not just for her but for us. Critical voices wake us up as well. The voices in our world that judge and label us. And the voices in our heads! Who is this rules cop who writes out a ticket every time we stumble? Who reminds us of every mistake? Does he ever shut up? No. Because Satan never shuts up. 
3. Jesus bent down. Low enough to sleep in a manger, work in a carpentry shop, sleep in a fishing boat. Low enough to rub shoulders with crooks and the diseased. Low enough to be spat upon, slapped, nailed, and speared. Low. Low enough to be buried. And then He stood. Up from the slab of death. Upright in Joseph’s tomb and right in Satan’s face. Tall. High. He stood up for the woman and silenced her accusers, and He does the same for you. He stands up.
4. Jesus offers a different road to your future. One with a clean conscience. A clean record. A clean heart. Free from accusation. Free from condemnation. Not just from your past mistakes but also from the ones ahead. “Since He will live forever, He will always be there to remind God that He has paid for [our] sins with His blood” (Hebrews 7:25 TLB). Christ forever stands in on your behalf.
"You have been saved by God’s grace. And He raised us up with Christ and gave us a seat with Him in the heavens. He did this for those in Christ Jesus so that for all future time He could show the very great riches of His grace by being kind to us in Christ Jesus" (Ephesians 2:5–7 NCV).

"God will never, never, never let us down if we have faith and put our trust in Him" (Mother Theresa).

5. Within a few moments the courtyard was empty. Jesus, the woman, her critics—they all left. But let’s stay a little longer. Look at the rocks on the ground, abandoned and unused. And look at the scribbling in the sand. It’s the only sermon Jesus ever wrote. Although we don’t know the words, I’m wondering if they read like this: Grace happens here.


THREE: THE BEST TRADE YOU'LL EVER MAKE

"We won't appreciate what grace does until we understand who we are. We are rebels. We are Barabbas. Like him, we deserve to die".

1. Pilate must decide what to do with this Jesus. He knows the man doesn’t deserve to die. Maybe a lecture, even a lashing. But not the cross. Pilate makes no fewer than four attempts to release Jesus. He tells the Jews to settle the matter (John 18:28–31). He refers the issue to Herod (Luke 23:4–7). He tries to persuade the Jews to accept Jesus as the prisoner released at Passover (Mark 15:6–10). He offers a compromise: whipping instead of execution (Luke 23:22). He does all he can to release Jesus. Why? “I find no fault in Him at all” (John 18:38).

Jesus was God’s model of a human being. Ever honest among hypocrites. Relentlessly kind in a world of cruelty. Heaven-focused despite countless distractions. It’s not just that Jesus passed every test. He posted a perfect score on every test.

2. It’s not that God doesn’t want us to enjoy life. He’s all for it. He created us for it. But when we decide that we’re in charge, He doesn’t let it slide. There are consequences. He lets us face the misery that comes from our mistakes. He prefers that we learn to follow His amazing plan instead of flounder with our own.

This isn’t news we want to hear. It’s a text we’d rather delete. But it’s truth. To get to the good stuff—grace—we first have to accept that we’re neck-deep in the bad stuff called sin.

3. God didn’t overlook your sins; He won’t endorse them. He didn’t punish you; He won’t destroy you. He instead found a way to punish the sin and preserve the sinner. Jesus took your punishment, and God gave you credit for Jesus’ perfection. It’s the best trade you’ll ever make.

Be the Barabbas who says, “Thank you.” Thank God for the day grace happened to you. Thank Jesus for giving His life for yours—the best trade you’ll ever make.

FOUR: GRACE IS ALL WE NEED

"His grace is not a gentle shower washing away the problem. It is a raging, roaring river whose current knocks you off your feet and carries you into the presence of God".

1. You are fearful and weak, but you are not alone. The words of “Amazing Grace” are yours. Although written in the 1700s, they bring hope like today’s sunrise. “‘Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home”. You have His Spirit within you. Heavenly hosts above you. Jesus Christ standing up for you. You have God’s super-powered grace to strengthen and carry you through.

2. God’s great grace wipes out everything else on the landscape. It is not puny but plentiful. Not teeny but torrential. Not mini but majestic. It meets us right now, at our point of need, and equips us with courage, wisdom, and strength. It surprises us in our worst moment with overflowing buckets of faith. His grace is not a gentle shower washing away the problem. It is a raging, roaring river whose current knocks you off your feet and carries you into the presence of God.

3. God is merciful to us—and so much more. Grace goes beyond mercy. Mercy gave the prodigal son a second chance. Grace threw him a party. Mercy prompted the Good Samaritan to bandage the wounds of the victim. Grace prompted him to leave his credit card as payment for the victim’s care. Mercy forgave the thief on the cross. Grace escorted him into paradise. Mercy pardons us. Grace empowers us. And according to Paul, God’s grace is all we need to meet every single challenge of our lives.

Can God run out of grace? “Grace upon grace” (John 1:16 NASB). We dare to stake our hope on the gladdest news of all: if God permits the challenge, He will provide the grace to meet it. God has enough grace to solve every dilemma you face, wipe every tear you cry, and answer every question you ask.

4. Would we expect anything less from God? Would He send His Son to die for us and not send His power to sustain us? Paul found such logic impossible. “He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32 NIV). Take all your worries to the Man on the cross, Paul urged. Stand in the shadow of God’s crucified Son. Now pose your questions. Is Jesus on my side? Look at the wound in His. Will He stay with me? Having given the supreme and costliest gift, “how can He fail to lavish upon us all He has to give?” (Romans 8:32 NEB).

5. Let God’s grace drown your fears. Anxiety still comes, for certain. Dating. Drugs. Disease. Divorce. Pressure from parents, from teachers, from friends. Problems make up your world. But they don’t control it! Grace does. God has surrounded you with a fleet of angels to meet your needs in His way at the right time.

PART 2: GRACE IN ACTION

FIVE: RICH WITH GRACE

"When grace happens, generosity happens. Unsqueshable, eye-popping bigheartedness happens".

1. He doesn’t just love; He lavishes us with love (1 John 3:1 NIV). He doesn’t dole out wisdom; He “gives generously to all without finding fault” (James 1:5 NIV). "He is rich in “kindness, tolerance and patience” (Romans 2:4 NIV). His grace is “exceedingly abundant” (1 Timothy 1:14) and “indescribable” (2 Corinthians 9:14–15).

2. God “supplies seed to the sower and bread for food” (2 Corinthians 9:10 NIV). The Greek verb for “supplies” (epichoregeo) pulls back the curtain on God’s generosity. It combines “dance” (choros) with the verb “to lead” (hegeomai). It literally means “to lead a dance.” Picture Him at the center of the circle, a huge smile on His face, teaching you the latest dance step. When God gives, He dances for joy. He strikes up the band and leads the giving parade. He loves to give.

“So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the

Kingdom”—Luke 12:32 (NLT).

3. It is the Lord’s unending flow of grace that allows Him to give so completely and to keep on giving. When we accept His grace, we also link to His everlasting supply. Our reaction should be to give in turn to others—our time, our money, our things, our wisdom, our love.

Despite Zacchaeus’s bad choices, despite his dishonest past, Jesus offered him kindness and a seat at heaven’s table. Jesus offered him grace. And when that grace walked in the front door, selfishness scampered out the back. It changed the tax collector’s heart. Is grace changing yours?

The grace given give grace.

4. Do you resent God’s kindness to others? Do you grumble at God’s uneven compensation? If so, are you jealous because the Lord is good? How long has it been since your generosity stunned someone? Since someone objected, “No, really, this is too generous”? If it’s been a while, reconsider God’s extravagant grace. 

Let grace microwave your cold heart. “Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 3:18). When you do, you’ll find yourself joining the ranks of the truly wealthy. You’ll be rich with grace.

SIX: WET FEET

"Where grace is lacking, bitterness abounds. Where grace abounds, forgiveness grows".

1. Jesus understood the who and why of His life. Who was He? God’s Son. Why was He on earth? To serve the Father. He knew His identity and authority. So Jesus— principal, head coach, king of the world, sovereign of the seas—washed feet. Jesus touched the stinky, ugly FEET of his disciples. Knowing He came from God. Knowing He was going to God. Knowing He could arch an eyebrow or clear His throat, and every angel in the universe would snap to attention. Knowing that all authority was His, He exchanged His robe for the servant’s wrap, lowered Himself to knee level, and began to rub away the grime, grit, and grunge their feet had collected on the journey.

2. If He washes the feet of His Judas, you will have to wash the feet of yours. Your betrayer. Your turkey-throwing loser and lowlife. That ne’er-do-well, that good-for nothing villain. Jesus’ Judas walked away with thirty pieces of silver. Your Judas walked away with your reputation, idea, virginity, trust, best friend. You expect me to wash his feet and let him go? Most people don’t want to. They use the villain’s photo as a dart target. But you aren’t “most people.” Grace has happened to you. Look at your feet. They are wet, grace soaked. Your toes and arches and heels have felt the cool basin of God’s grace. Jesus has washed the grimiest parts of your life. He didn’t bypass you and carry the basin toward someone else.

3. We still have a few things to learn. One is that forgiveness is something you do. Another is how to accept unearned grace. “Since I, the Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you” (John 13:14–15 NLT).

To accept grace is to accept the promise to give it.

4. Instead, give the grace you’ve been given. You don’t approve of the deeds of your offender when you do. Grace is not blind. It sees the hurt full well. But grace chooses to see God’s forgiveness even more. It refuses to let hurts poison the heart. Where grace is lacking, bitterness abounds. Where grace abounds, forgiveness grows.

5. So go ahead. Get your feet wet. Remove your socks and shoes, and set your feet in the basin. First one, then the other. Let the hands of God wipe away every dirty part of your life— your dishonesty, jealousy, anger, bitterness, hypocrisy. Let Him touch them all. As His hands do their work, look across the room. Someone is there with dirty feet, hoping you’ll pick up the basin. Someone who needs grace.

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you—C. S. Lewis

Forgiveness may not happen all at once. But it can happen with you. After all tou have wet feet.

SEVEN: FESSING UP

"His grace has grabbed you, rewired you, and reserved your heavenly room. You can risk honesty with God".

1. Confess. Admit. Come clean. Fess up. The words all mean the same thing—but what is that, exactly? Confession is so much more. Confession is a radical reliance on grace. A declaration of our trust in God’s goodness. “What I did was bad,” we admit, “but Your grace is greater than my sin, so I confess it”. If our understanding of grace is small, our confession will be small: reluctant, hesitant, incomplete, buried in excuses and qualifications.

2. We can’t live with foreign objects buried in our bodies. Or our souls. What would an X-ray of your insides show? Regret over the rude way you ended a relationship? Remorse over losing your temper? Shame about the habit you couldn’t quit, the temptation you didn’t resist, or the courage you couldn’t find? Guilt lies hidden beneath the surface, annoying, gnawing. Sometimes so deeply embedded you don’t know the cause. You become moody, cranky. You tend to overreact. You’re angry, irritable. You can be touchy, you know. Understandable, since you have a blade of shame lodged in your soul.

Maybe it’s time to remove the problem. How? Fess up. Request a spiritual X-ray. As God brings misbehavior to mind, agree with Him and apologize. Let Him apply grace to the wounds.

3. Talk to God about these buried blades. Go to Him as you would go to a trusted family member. Explain the pain, and revisit your mistake together. Welcome His healing touch. And—this is important—trust His ability to receive your confession more than your ability to make it. The power of confession lies not with the person who makes it but with the God who hears it.

The confession of evil works is the first beginning of good works—Augustine

4. When you do this, God may send you to talk to another Christian. “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16 NASB). James calls us not only to confess up to God but also to confess out to each other. People are attracted to honesty. You should be too. So find a Bible study or youth group with guys and gals who believe in fessing up. Avoid gatherings where everyone claims to be perfect—you won’t fit in there anyway. Instead, hang out where people admit their sins and show humility. Healing happens in places like this.

“If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth is not in us. But if we confess our sins, he will forgive our sins, because we can trust God to do what is right. He will cleanse us from all the wrongs we have done” (1 John 1:8–9 NCV).

5.  Oh, the sweet certainty of these words. “He will cleanse us”. Not He might, could, would, or has been known to. He will cleanse you. Tell God what you did. Again, not that He doesn’t already know, but the two of you need to agree. Spend as much time as you need. Share all the details you can. Then let the pure water of grace flow over your mistakes.

EIGHT: BETTER THAN PERFECT

"Our merit merits nothing. God's work merits everything".

1. What must I do? The question echoes through the centuries. In the deepest cavern of our hearts, we understand that we don’t deserve heaven. We don’t measure up to the Almighty. It’s not that we don’t believe in grace. We do. We believe in grace a lot. We just don’t believe in grace alone. Surely, we think, it takes more than grace to save us. We grace-a-lots want to do our part. We figure Jesus almost finished the work of our salvation but every so often needs our help. So we give it.

2. Striving for excellence isn’t always a bad thing. Doing our best is part of the Christian life. Way back in the Old Testament, God’s people were told to “present as the Lord’s portion the best and holiest part of everything given to you” (Numbers 18:29 NIV). Even though God was talking about tithes and offerings, we know our whole lives are offerings to God, and that we need to give God our best. But perfectionism is “doing our best” for all the wrong reasons. Perfectionism is about us, not about God.

Being a Christian isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being forgiven. So we can relax and be confident that God knows we’re not perfect and loves us just the same.

3. There’s a problem with pushing for perfection. Trying to be good still doesn’t answer the fundamental question: what level of good is good enough? God has a better idea: “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God” (Ephesians 2:8). We contribute nothing. Zilch. As opposed to the merit badge of the Scout, salvation of the soul is unearned. A gift. Our merits merit nothing. God’s work merits everything.

You’ve seen in the last few chapters how to activate God’s grace. Give. Forgive. Confess. Trust. But salvation is the one where you don’t do grace. Instead, do nothing. Believe and let it happen to you. When you allow God to move in, He does the doing. When His grace gets inside you, it’s a new start on life. You could call it a spiritual heart transplant.

4. When God hears your heart, He hears the still-beating heart of His Son. As Paul said, “It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me” (Galatians 2:20). The apostle sensed within himself not just the philosophy, ideals, or influence of Christ but the person of Jesus. Christ moved in. He still does. When grace happens, Christ enters. “Christ in you, the hope of glory” (Colossians 1:27).

Grace is God as heart surgeon cracking open your chest, removing your heart, poisoned as it is with pride and pain, and replacing it with His own. His dream isn’t just to get you into heaven, but heaven into you. 

Faith’s only function is to receive what grace offers—John Stott

5. There is no fine print. It’s not a magician’s trick. God’s promise has no hidden language. Let grace happen, for heaven’s sake. No more pressure. No more performing. Of all the things you must earn in life, God’s unending affection is not one of them. You have it. If you ask me, that sounds perfect.

“Your hearts should be strengthened by God’s grace, not by obeying rules” (Hebrews 13:9 NCV). Jesus does not say, “Come to Me, all you who are perfect and sinless.” Just the opposite. “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28 NASB).

PART 3: THE ROAD HOME

NINE: YOU BELONG

"I, God, have made My choice. I choose you to be part of My forever family".

1. We try to say the right things, get the right look, hang with the right people. We try to fit in. All of it is a way of asking the burning question in our hearts: “Do I belong?” God has an answer. His grace—outrageous, overflowing, stretching beyond the stars and back again—is the definitive reply. “Be blessed, My child. I love you. I accept you. I have adopted you into My family”.

Adopted children are chosen children.

God is love. He didn’t need us. But He wanted us. And that is the most amazing thing—Rick Warren

2. God saw your entire life from beginning to end, birth to hearse, and in spite of what He saw, He still dreams of having you by His side. Even with your faults and failures. Despite your muddles and missteps. He still stands near, arms open wide, ready to embrace you with a Father’s love.

3. Your identity is not in your friends, possessions, talents, tattoos, grades, or accomplishments. Nor are you defined by your family’s divorce or debt, or your dumb choices. You are God’s child. You get to call Him “Papa.” You “may approach God with freedom and confidence” (Ephesians 3:12 NIV). You receive the blessings of His special love (1 John 4:9–11) and provision (Luke 11:11–13). And you will inherit the riches of Christ and reign with Him forever (Romans 8:17).

4. Rather than try to invent reasons to feel good about yourself, trust God’s verdict. If God loves you, you must be worth loving. If He wants to have you in His kingdom, then you must be worth having. God’s grace invites you—no, requires you—to change your attitude about yourself and take sides with God against your feelings of rejection.

5. To live as God’s child is to know, at this very instant, that you are loved by your Maker, not because you try to please Him and succeed or fail to please Him and apologize, but because He wants to be your Father. Nothing more. All your efforts to win His affection are unnecessary. All your fears of losing His affection are needless. You can no more make Him want you than you can convince Him to abandon you.

The adoption is irreversible. You belong at His table.

TEN: SAVED FOR SURE

"Trust God's hold on you more than you hold on God"

1. Jesus promised a new life that could not be lost or terminated. “Whoever hears My word and believes Him who sent Me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life” (John 5:24 NIV). Bridges are burned, and the transfer is accomplished. Ebbs and flows continue, but they never disqualify. Ups and downs may mark our days, but they will never ban us from His kingdom. Jesus bottom-lines our lives with grace.

2. Even more, God stakes His claim on us. “By His Spirit He has stamped us with His eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what He is destined to complete” (2 Corinthians 1:22 MSG). You’ve done something similar: engraved your name on a valued ring, etched your identity on a textbook or iPad. Cowboys brand cattle with the mark of the ranch. Stamping declares ownership. Through His Spirit, God stamps us. Would-be takers are repelled by the presence of His name. Satan is driven back by the declaration: Hands off. This child is Mine! Eternally, God.

Grace is the gift of feeling sure that our future, even our dying, is going to turn out more splendidly than we dare imagine—Lewis Smedes

3. Where there is no assurance of salvation, there is no peace. No peace means no joy. No joy results in fear-based lives. Is this the life God creates? No. Grace creates a confident soul who declares, “I couldn’t be more sure of my ground—the One I’ve trusted in can take care of what He’s trusted me to do right to the end” (2 Timothy 1:12 MSG).

His faithfulness does not depend on yours.

His performance is not predicated on yours. His love is not contingent on your own. Your candle may flicker, but it will not expire.

The Law tells me how crooked I am; Grace comes along and straightens me out—Dwight L. Moody

4. Let grace comfort you. Look to Christ for your beginning and ending. He will hold you. And He will hold on to the ones you love. Do you have a prodigal brother or sister? Do you long for your mom or dad to return to God? Do you have a friend whose faith has grown cold? God wants them back more than you do. Keep praying, but don’t give up.

God places a song in the hearts of His children too. A song of hope and life. “He has put a new song in my mouth” (Psalm 40:3). 

5. When we confess our sins and believe in God—not just say the words but truly believe—our ticket to eternity is punched. Our seat in heaven is reserved. We are saved for sure. Our task is simply to trust Him. His never-ending grace calls us home. Even when we mess up. Even if we are lost, cut off from His family for years. Eventually we hear His voice, and something within us awakens. And when it does, we begin to sing again.

CONCLUSION: WHEN GRACE HAPPENS

"The same work God did through Christ long ago on a cross is the work God does through Christ right now in you"

1. When a person gives a genuine gift, don’t you cherish the presence of affection? The home-baked cookies, the tickets to see your favorite obscure band, the personalized poem, the Lucado book. Such gifts convince you that someone planned, prepared, saved, searched. Last-minute decision? No, this gift was just for you.

Grace is precious because He is Grace changes lives because He does.

2. Have you ever received such a gift? Yes, you have. Sorry to speak on your behalf, but I know the answer as I ask the question. You have been given a perfect personal gift. One just for you. “There has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord” (Luke 2:11 NASB). He Himself is the treasure. Grace is precious because He is. Grace changes lives because He does. Grace secures us because He will. The gift is the Giver: “The grace of God that brings salvation has appeared” (Titus 2:11).

3. To discover grace is to discover God’s total devotion to you, His stubborn resolve to give you a cleansing, healing, purging love that lifts the wounded back to their feet. Does He stand high on a hill and bid you climb out of the valley? No. He bungees down and carries you out. Does He build a bridge and command you to cross it? No. He crosses the bridge and shoulders you over.

4. This is the gift that God gives. A grace that grants us first the power to receive love and then the power to give it. A grace that changes us, shapes us, and leads us to a life that is forever altered. Do you know this grace? Do you trust this grace? If not, you can. All God wants from us is faith. Put your faith in God.

See yourself for what you are—God’s personal remodeling project.

5. And grow in God’s grace. More action than idea. More now than then. Grace didn’t just happen; it happens. Grace happens here. The same work God did through Christ long ago on a cross is the work God does through Christ right now in you.

NOSTALGIA DI KAMPUS BATA

Karena ada temen dari Jakarta dateng, kami dadakan reuni Sabtu kemaren. Random banget karena janjian ktemu di kampus, temenku kangen makan pentol en batagor di depan kampus. Mumpung ada temen yang jadi dosen, yang kebetulan ada acara disitu, kami sekalian minta diajak tour keliling kampus yang udah banyak berubah ini. Ga nyangka kami udah ga familiar ama lingkungan yang pernah kami hidupi belasan taon lalu.

Overall menyenangkan sih, sekalipun cuma keliling kampus, liat2 perubahan yang ada. Banyak renovasi di ruang dosen, ruang LPM tempat kami dulu kumpul udah ga ada. Banyak kenangan di kampus ini, pertumbuhan en pembentukan yang Tuhan kerjakan melalui orang2 yang ada, en aku sangat bersyukur akan semuanya itu. Menyadari bahwa temen LPM ini adalah temen2 lama yang masih mayan keep in touch ama aku, dimana dulu kami pernah sering kumpul en diproses dalam banyak hal. Kalo ngeliat selama 9 taon terakhir, hubungan kami banyak ngalami pergeseran, yang dulunya akrab sekarang ga tau update kisah hidup masing2 tapi kami masih bisa ktemu en ga canggung, it's a blessing lah ya.

Abis gitu kami lunch di Hokben deket kampus, karena ada yang bawa kiddos. Klo inget2 jaman kuliah, rasanya kumpul2 kayak gini tuh biasa banget, dimana sekarang malah jadi momen berharga yang susah banget terwujudnya. Lucunya salah 1 anak sempet mengunci diri di toilet en ga bisa buka sampe dia nangis, cukup bikin heboh juga. Aku ngeliat gimana temenku calm banget ngadepi situasi itu, bener ga mudah jadi seorang mommy.

Setelah itu, aku mampir ke rumah salah 1 adek kelas yang paling akrab ama aku, karena belom pernah ktemu anaknya. So happy isa ktemu anaknya yang takut ama orang asing, tapi dia ga nangis ngeliat aku. Trus tetangganya tuh temen organisasi sebelah en aku telpon dia, akhirnya kami ktemuan. Lucu bener sih, isa ktemu ga sengaja kayak gini. Spent time with them is a good thing.

Aku menyadari kalo ada banyak hubungan yang dulunya penting banget, sekarang udah ga deket tapi masih bisa kontak satu sama lain, ngobrol random topic tanpa canggung. Ada juga orang2 yang masuk ke kehidupan, walopun sering ktemu tapi hubungannya dangkal banget. Tapi temen2 masa muda tuh emang beda, kami spent time bareng, bertumbuh sama2, en ngalami pergeseran hidup yang signifikan tapi masih ada koneksi yang bisa tersambung karena kenangan lama yang pernah kami jalani bersama.

Bersyukur banget buat nostalgia yang ada sekalipun singkat. Aku kembali diingatkan betapa sebuah hubungan itu berdampak besar dalam kehidupanku. Aku ga mau terlalu deep bangun hubungan dengan orang2 yang ga mutual, en menyadari pentingnya maintenance hubungan2 yang masih layak dipertahankan.

THE FOUR SEASON OF MARRIAGE PART 2 (GARY CHAPMAN)

4. STRATEGY 4: DEVELOP THE AWESOME POWER OF EMPATHETIC LISTENING 

• The ability to speak and the ability to listen are two of the more profound gifts that God has given to humanity. Likewise, in a marriage nothing is more fundamental than talking and listening. This simple transaction is the vehicle that allows couples to process life together as teammates.

• Empathy means to enter into another person's world, to seek to walk in his or her shoes and see the world from his or her perspective. Empathetic listening encourages other people to talk, because they know they will be heard.

• The four keys of empathetic listening:

a. Listen with an attitude of understanding (not judgment)

b. Withhold judgment on your spouse's ideas

c. Affirm your spouse, even when you disagree with his or her ideas.

d. Share your own ideas only when your spouse feels understood.

5. STRATEGY 5: DISCOVER THE JOY OF HELPING YOUR SPOUSE SUCCEED

~ What is success? Ask a dozen people and you may get a dozen different answers. A friend of mine said, "Success is making the most of who you are with what you've got". The truly successful people are those who help others succeed.

~ The same is true in marriage. A successful wife is one who expends her time and energy helping her husband reach his potential for God and for doing good in the world. Likewise, a successful husband is one who helps his wife succeed. An old adage says, "You can't help a man uphill without getting closer to the top yourself".

~ So, how does one get started? For me, it began with a fresh examination of the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. Few people would deny that Jesus has had the most positive impact on human history of any man who ever lived. Yet his approach was not manipulative or self-serving. In fact, quite the contrary: He led by serving others. 

~ Three simple questions to help your spouse succeed:

• What can I do to help you?

• How can I make your life easier?

• How can I be a better husband (wife)?

~ Four practical ways to help your spouse succeed:

• Offer encouraging words

• Take supportive action

• Provide emotional support

• Express respect for your spouse

6. STRATEGY 6: MAXIMIZE YOUR DIFFERENCE

• In God's plan our differences were never intended to divide us. In fact, God is the author of diversity. No two snowflakes, fingerprints, or leaves on a tree are exactly alike. When God created mankind, he built into our genetic structure the potential for unlimited diversity. When He instituted marriage as a union of two unique individuals, He knew that he was creating unity out of diversity.

• God designed our differences to be assets, not liabilities. When we learn to maximize our differences for the benefit of the marriage, we align our lives with God's purposes. The Bible calls this marital unity.' When each spouse recognizes and affirms the other's uniqueness, the differences themselves weld the couple into an unbeatable team.

• The process begins with identifying your differences. If you and your spouse are going to maximize your unique qualities, you need to know the ways in which you're different. This is not a difficult task, but it will require some time and thought. The most obvious differences will be those that are the most irritating.

• There are always lessons to be learned from our differences. None of us has reached the apex of Christian maturity. God's intention is that marriage will stimulate our spiritual, intellectual, and emotional growth. When we look for the lessons in our differences, we will find them and benefit from them.

• Five steps to maximize your differences:

a. Identify your differences

b. Look for assets in your differences

c. Learn from your differences

d. Replace condemnation with affirmation

e. Discover a plan for maximizing your differences

7. STRATEGY 7: IMPLEMENT THE POWER OF POSITIVE INFLUENCE

• It is true that you cannot change your spouse, but it is equally true that you can and do influence your spouse every day.

• Even though you cannot directly control your spouse's attitudes and actions, you do have the ability to influence him or her either positively or negatively, by word or by deed.

POSITIVE CHOICES lead to POSITIVE ACTIONS that result in POSITIVE FEELINGS

PART III: PUTTING YOUR PLAN INTO PRACTICE

1. God did not create marriage to make us miserable. According to His design, a husband will love his wife as Christ loved the church; he will give his life away in  ministry and service to his wife. In this climate of love, according to God's design, a wife will be free to reciprocate her husband's love and to find ways to invest her life in service to him.

2. When a husband and wife both live according to God's design for them, they will be mutually submitted to each other and looking out for each other's best interest. In this free and loving partnership, they will be able to accomplish the purpose that God has for their life together.

3. The reality is that every marriage is still in process; no one has the perfect marriage. The good news is that you can have a better marriage than you do now. The strategies we have discussed will move your marriage in the right direction.

• STRATEGY 1 challenges you to deal with past failures. Failure alone will not destroy a marriage, but unconfessed and unforgiven failure will.

• STRATEGY 2 reminds you that attitude often makes the difference between winter, spring, summer, or fall. A negative, critical attitude pushes you toward the coldness of winter; whereas a positive attitude, which looks for the best in your spouse and affirms it, leads to the warmth of spring and summer.

• STRATEGY 3 encourages you to discover and speak your spouse's primary love language. Everyone has a deep emotional need to feel loved. When you meet that need for your spouse, you create a climate in which the crocuses can begin to bloom in your marriage.

• STRATEGY 4 gives you the tools to develop the art of empathetic listening. When your spouse is talking, the most powerful thing you can do is listen. Only as you listen empathetically will you come to understand your spouse's thoughts, feelings, and desires. Understanding leads to a blossoming of intimacy.

• STRATEGY 5 helps you discover the joy of helping your spouse succeed. Few accomplishments in life are more satisfying or have greater results than helping your spouse accomplish the purposes for which God designed him or her. Implement this strategy and share the rewards of true success.

• STRATEGY 6 teaches you how to maximize your differences. God made husbands and wives different for a purpose-a positive purpose. When you learn how to turn your differences into assets, you and your spouse will both be winners.

• STRATEGY 7 shows you how to implement the power of positive influence. Your spouse may not be willing to read this book or discuss strategies for improving your marriage, but that doesn't mean your efforts will be in vain. Although you cannot control your spouse's behavior, you can choose to exert a positive influence. Perhaps the most powerful way to influence your spouse is by applying the concepts you've learned in Strategies 1-6.

PART IV: THE FOUR SEASONS OF MARRIAGE STUDY GUIDE

1. All marriages experience the four seasons, including springtimes of vibrancy and excitement, fall seasons of discontentment and uncertainty, winters of anger and despair, and summertimes of growth and deepened love. Couples whose marriages survive-and thrive-have refused to give up, steadfastly sticking to the belief that their efforts to improve their marriages will eventually pay off.

2. Prayer topics will guide you as you commit your marriage to God in prayer. You are your spouse's most important prayer warrior. Praying together has the potential to bring huge blessings to your marriage.

3. Whether your marriage is basking in the summer sun or buried under drifts of winter snow, there's always room for greater fulfillment. May you thrive in the present season of your marriage, enriched by the history you share and overflowing with hope for the years to come.

THE FOUR SEASON OF MARRIAGE

GARY CHAPMAN

HOLD YOUR PEACE

Tulisan ini merupakan kumpulan kata2 yang nempelak ato ngingetin aku akhir2 ini. Sumbernya dari berbagai hal: kelas LADIMI (Ladies Discipleship Ministry), obrolan ama temen, bible, atopun dari buku yang sedang kubaca. 

"Kita akan menuai jika kita tidak menjadi lemah".

Jujur aja, bulan lalu itu aku kecewa berat ama ketua komsel yang kuikuti selama hampir 2 taon terakhir. Setelah semua kebaikan en taburanku, ternyata aku dijudge gitu aja, trus ketika aku nyampeiin ketidaksukaanku, responnya minta maaf ala kadarnya, keliatan ga ada ketulusan ato penyesalan. Trus semua keburukan si ketua komsel ini muncul, mulai dari dia yg selalu kontak aku kalo arek komsel butuh bantuan dana, ngejar2 aku kalo anaknya ada PR Mandarin, ga peduli walopun aku lagi ga enak badan ato ga mood untuk mengulurkan tangan. Fixed, aku lelah diperlakukan kayak gitu. Bukannya aku berharap diistimewakan, tapi aku benci dimanfaatkan. Tiba2 diingetkan ayat "kita akan menuai jika kita tidak menjadi lemah", en rohku langsung dikuatkan. Aku diingetkan untuk semakin berhikmat menabur di tempat yang tepat, ga semua orang layak dibantu ato diberi. Aku cuma percaya kalo Tuhan tuh perhitungkan semua taburan en sikap hatiku, tuaian datangnya dari Dia, bukan manusia. Amen. 

"What profits a man if he gains the whole world, but loses his soul?"

Hari2 ini ketika Tuhan berkati aku secara luar biasa di bidang finansial, aku menyelidiki respon hatiku. Aku bersyukurrr pol dengan semua berkat yang Tuhan curahkan sehingga di masa2 sulit ini aku berkelimpahan, bahkan bisa jadi berkat buat banyak orang secara finansial, udah nabung en investasi juga, dana darurat terkumpul lagi. Tapi aku ga ijinkan hatiku terikat ke harta, aku mau arahkan hatiku senantiasa ke Sumber Berkat itu sendiri. Trus aku sempet negur seorang temen lama yang selalu pamer transferan dari freelance job dia sebagai pembuktian ke ex managernya yang ngerendahin dia dengan kata2 "kamu ga akan bisa kerja di tempat lain, mana ada yang mau pake kamu". Aku ingetin kalo dia ga perlu pamer, ga perlu buktiin diri ke siapapun, ga boleh cuma kejar duid karena masih buanyak aspek hidupnya yang kudu digarap dengan bener (terutama pengenalannya akan Tuhan). Jujur aja, heran ama arek ini yang setelah sekian lama join komsel, mindsetnya ga ada tentang Kerajaan Allah blas, tapi duid duid duid mulu. Apa gunanya semua duidmu kalo kamu ga kenal Tuhan, sihhh... 

"Tetap manis seperti ikan yang hidup di air laut yang asin, kita tidak boleh terpengaruh oleh sekeliling kita".

Ada kalanya sebagai manusia tuh bereaksi (bukan berespon) terhadap apa yang ada di sekeliling kita. Ketika sekitar kita nyebelin, secara ga sadar kita bales dengan nyebelin pula. Ketika sekitar kita merusak diri, kita ga sengaja ikutan rusak. Ketika sekitar kita toxic, lama2 racun itu merembes dalam jiwa kita. Akhir2 ini aku semakin sadar betapa toxic-nya kantor tempatku bekerja, terutama salah 1 anak buahku yang udah kerja disitu 20 taon. Awal2 aku jengkel, tapi lama2 aku sadar kalo aku yang kudu mempengaruhi dia, bukan jadi bersikap keras ke dia. Ga mudah, tapi aku tau ketika aku menyerap sari2 Roh Kudus, pasti ada buah2 yang manis keluar dari hidupku. Well, setelah praktek sebulanan, akhirnya anak buah toxic itu beserta suaminya berubah sikap. Thank God! Karya Tuhan bener2 nyata dalam kantorku. 

"Hold your peace".

Damai sejahtera... Itu satu kata yang bermakna banget buat aku. Di masa2 sulit ini, banyak berita yang ga mengenakkan berseliweran, mulai dari kasus covid yang meningkat, isu pilpres yang bakal kacau karena calonnya tuh orang2 bermasalah, kemungkinan 2023 resesi, dsb-nya. Ketika denger berita2 ga enak, aku semakin berserah sama Tuhan, semakin menyadari ga ada sesuatupun di bumi ini yang di luar rencana-Nya. Kedaulatan-Nya yang mengatasi segala hal, bikin aku ngerasakan damai sejahtera yang kekal. Ga ada hal yang perlu kutakuti, apapun yang terjadi itu seijin Tuhan. Kalopun ada hal buruk, pasti ada penyertaan en pelajaran berharga di dalamnya. So, aku ga perlu takut ato kuatir akan apapun juga, karena Sumber Damai itu senantiasa besertaku. Love You, Jesus ♥

THE FOUR SEASON OF MARRIAGE PART 1 (GARY CHAPMAN)

INTRODUCTION

1. Marriages are perpetually in a state of transition, continually moving from one season to another perhaps not annually, as in nature, but just as certainly and consistently. Sometimes we find ourselves in winter-discouraged, detached, and dissatisfied; other times we experience springtime, with its openness, hope, and anticipation. On still other occasions we bask in the warmth of summer-comfortable, relaxed, enjoying life. And then comes fall with its uncertainty, negligence, and apprehension. The cycle repeats itself many times throughout the life of a marriage, just as the seasons repeat themselves in nature.

2. The seasons of marriage come and go. Each one holds the potential for emotional health and happiness, and each one has its challenges. The key is to develop the necessary skills to enhance your marriage in all four seasons. Unlike trees, which are at the mercy of the weather and other factors, as humans we have the capacity to make decisions. We can choose attitudes and actions that will improve and strengthen our marriages. We can plant seeds of love and hope in the springtime that will produce fruit during the summer. And we can harvest a storehouse of good feelings and open communication that will prepare us to weather the changes of fall and the icy cold of winter.

PART 1: THE FOUR SEASON OF MARRIAGE

THE NATURE OF MARRIAGE 

1. Marriage is designed to satisfy this deep search for intimacy. Thus, marriage is not simply a relationship; it is an intimate relationship that encompasses all aspects of life: intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical. In a marriage relationship, a husband and wife share life with each other in the deepest possible way. They view themselves as a unified team, not as two individuals who happen to be living in close proximity. Because the desire and drive for intimacy are at the very heart of marriage, the individuals involved become troubled about their relationship when such intimacy is not attained.

From a biblical perspective, the purpose of life is not to accomplish our own objectives. The purpose of life is to know God and to bring glory and honor to His name.

2. Marriage relationships are constantly changing. Attitudes shift, emotions fluctuate, and the way spouses treat each other ebbs and flows between loving and not so loving. Life is full of unanticipated changes. Our only choice as couples is in how we will respond. The manner in which couples process these changes will determine the quality of their marriages.

Our response to change consists of emotions, attitudes, and actions. The combination of these three factors will determine which season our marriage is in at any given time.

3. Emotions tell us that something is wrong or right in a relationship, but emotions must lead to reason, and reason must be guided by truth if we are to take constructive action. We must not short circuit the process and jump straight from emotions to action without the benefit of reason. Many couples who have done this have found themselves in winter when they could have ended up in spring or summer.

EMOTIONS moderated by REASON guided by TRUTH = CONSTRUCTIVE ACTION

WINTER

1. Winter marriages are characterized by coldness, harshness, and bitterness. The dreams of spring are covered with layers of ice, and the weather forecast calls for more freezing rain. If the husband and wife have a conversation, it is merely about logistics: who will do what and when. If they try to talk about their relationship, it typically ends in an argument that goes unresolved. Some couples simply live in a cold silence. Essentially, they lead independent lives though they live in the same house. Each spouse blames the other for the coldness of the relationship.

2. What brings a couple to the winter season of marriage? In a word: rigidity-the unwillingness to consider the other person's perspective and to work toward a meaningful compromise. All couples face difficulties, and all couples have differences. Couples who fail to negotiate these differences will find themselves in the middle of winter-a season of marriage created not by the difficulties of life but by the manner in which a couple respond to those difficulties. When one or both marriage partners insist on "my way or not at all," they are moving their marriage toward winter.

3. Some of the emotions of winter are hurt, anger, and disappointment, often accompanied by loneliness and a sense of rejection. All the emotions of a couple caught in winter reveal the coldness, harshness, and bitterness that grip the marriage.

4. Our natural tendency in the middle of winter is to avoid the elements as much as possible. When the weather turns frigid, we retreat inside for survival and wait for it to warm up or for the season to change. In a winter marriage, there may be a similar tendency to "avoid the elements." Spouses may withdraw within themselves, hunkering down and trying to ride out the cold season, hoping for spring but not taking any positive steps to move their marriage toward spring. However, unlike the natural seasons, the seasons of a marriage do not typically change without some positive action-unless it's a change from bad to worse.

5. If your marriage is in winter, it may appear beyond hope. But don't give up. Just as most people wouldn't lie down in the snow and wait to die, there's no reason to passively accept the coldness of a wintry marriage. There is a way out, and it begins with hope. The coldness of winter often stimulates a desire for healing and health. It is the sick who seek a physician and find healing. A winter marriage often makes couples desperate enough to break out of their silent suffering and seek the help of a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend. Those who seek help will find it.

6. Through the process of healing, couples come to experience the positive side of winter. As one husband said, "We realized that through the pain we rediscovered our roots, affirmed our faith, and grew in character". Often it is the trials of life that produce patience and perseverance.' God can use marital winters for good. Working through the season of winter may never be "fun" or "exciting," like sledding down a steep hill or a ski trip to Vail, but when couples persevere and begin to take positive steps to improve their marriage, they emerge stronger, more committed, and better able to work through their differences.

7. When the failures of winter are confessed and forgiven, forgiveness makes room for love, and "love covers over a multitude of sins". By extending the olive branch of peace, even in the midst of pain and alienation, countless couples have discovered the potential for deep healing and an even deeper intimacy.

SPRING

1. Spring is where most marriages begin, the excitement of creating a new life together giving men and women the courage to make a covenant marriage commitment. "To love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth, so long as we both shall live". These words have the ring of spring. What could be more exciting than joining two lives together to help each other accomplish the purposes for which they were created? Yes, marriages begin in the springtime.

Spring is characterized by animated and buoyant feelings, such as excitement, joy, hope, and happiness.

2. In the springtime of marriage, spouses have positive attitudes toward each other and toward life in general. The typical attitudes of spring are gratitude and anticipation of the future. Change is perceived as an opportunity for new beginnings, and springtime couples fully expect to make the best of those opportunities.

3. Not only is springtime characterized by an attitude of optimism, it is also accompanied by an attitude of gratitude. At springtime in your marriage, you will be consciously thinking about things you might do or say to express your love to your mate. 

4. Springtime is also undergirded by an attitude of trust. Trust is believing that your spouse is a person of integrity-that he or she will tell you the truth. If your marriage is built on a solid foundation of trust, you are certain of your spouse's faithfulness to the marital commitment, and you will choose to believe the best about your mate, even in uncertain circumstances. The attitude of trust brings a sense of security.

5. When spring comes to a marriage relationship, it will be characterized by new attitudes and new activities. We look for ways to express our love and stimulate excitement in our relationship. These are not random actions-activity for activity's sake-nor are they self-centered. The focus is on bringing new life to the marriage and building up the good that is already there. In this season of marriage, the guiding principle is nurture, which means "to feed". The actions of springtime are designed to feed and nourish the marital relationship. Both spouses seek to do things that will enhance the life of their mate. They ask themselves, "How will this affect our relationship?" If a marriage is in the season of spring, both spouses will do things to deepen the relationship and benefit the other person.

"When we brought God back into our lives, we began to see the positive things about each other and focused on those. We began to pray together and play together. It has made a world of difference for us".

6. Obviously, making positive changes requires a willingness to change. If we continue with our willingness to change, we will live in the springtime or summer most of our lives. Loving actions, which begin with  a willingness to change, create a positive emotional climate between a husband and wife that makes life exciting.

Learning how to take positive action sometimes requires outside help. Being willing to go for counseling is a positive action that often results in the return of spring.

7. In a springtime marriage, we may encounter poison ivy-irritations that pop up unannounced and unexpected. These irritations can cause marital itching, even in the midst of springtime. They can ruin a perfectly wonderful vacation or turn a fine dinner into an emotional fiasco. These irritations do not change the season, but they may make spring less enjoyable. As part of Strategy 6, we will discuss how to turn these irritations into assets as we "maximize" our differences. For the moment, however, let me encourage you to share your irritations with your spouse and be open to change.

8. Spring often leads a couple to make positive changes. It is a time of new beginnings, new patterns of life, new ways of listening and expressing concern, and new ways of loving. If we successfully implement and nurture these positive changes, springtime will give way to the fun and warmth of summer. On the other hand, if we fail to follow through with new beginnings, we may find ourselves skipping summer altogether and slipping straight into fall or winter. But missing summer is like missing the ice-cream truck. It's enough to make a grown man cry.

SUMMER

1. Fun is also the theme of a summer marriage. Life is beautiful. We are reaping the benefits of our hard efforts to understand each other and to work together as a team to see the dreams of spring fulfilled. The anticipation of spring has turned into the reality of summer. The initial excitement may have waned, but our sense of connection with each other has deepened. We have fewer misunderstandings, and when we do, resolutions come more quickly. If our marriage is in the season of summer, we will share a deep sense of commitment and satisfaction. And we will feel secure in each other's love.

Summer is characterized by feelings of happiness, satisfaction, accomplishment, and connection. 

2. Summer marriages are much like flowers: They are beautiful, but they must be watered. Couples who are successful at having an extended season of summer in their marriage are ones who have learned to maintain what they have attained. They recognize that the summer season did not come without preparing the soil, planting the seeds, and nurturing the marriage. Now that they are enjoying the beauty of summer, they want to maintain it, and they have an attitude of work and growth.

3. In a summer marriage, the warm emotional climate fosters positive actions. The atmosphere is relaxed. We understand our spouse better, we accept each other's differences, and we have learned how to resolve our conflicts. Though life is comfortable, we still want to take some positive actions to "water the flowers" in our summer marriage.

4. Couples who have open communication also come to practical solution. When couples communicate openly with each other, they are far more likely to find workable solutions to what could otherwise be serious problems in their marriage.

"It's very refreshing to be in a marriage that has weathered a variety of seasons, to know that the investment you have made in someone's life is paying dividends, not only in our relationship but with our families and children".

5. A second important action to maintain a summer marriage is granting each other the freedom to be different. Differences are inevitable, but they can also be very divisive. Couples who desire to continue in the summer season will consciously give each other the freedom to think, feel, and react differently.

6. A third action step that is common among couples who describe their marriage as being in the summer season is attend ing marriage seminars and reading books on marriage.

Many couples have indicated that the most significant factor in their ability to have a summer marriage is that they have found ways to stimulate spiritual growth.

7. In a summer marriage, the yellow jackets are analogous to those unresolved conflicts that nest beneath the surface of our day-to-day lives. We might be in the summer season of marriage, enjoying life together, watching the flowers bloom, doing a bit of weeding around the edges of our relationship; but there's another, unseen, level in our relationship, an underground nest where we have pushed our unresolved issues. When one spouse or the other ventures too close to the door of the nest, the yellow jackets come flying out and we find ourselves arguing in the middle of summer.

FALL

1. The falling of the leaves is an apt analogy of what happens in the fall season of marriage. In early fall, the marriage looks fine externally. Outsiders may even comment on how happy the couple seem to be. But inside the marriage, things are changing. And when the chilling winds arrive, the deterioration of the marriage will be obvious to all. Fall becomes the prelude to winter. As with the other seasons of marriage, fall has its own set of emotions, attitudes, and actions.

2. The emotions of fall include feelings of sadness, apprehension, and rejection, sometimes accompanied by a feeling of being emotionally depleted. Couples in the fall season are aware that things aren't right, though they may or may not be expressing these feelings to each other. But they are troubled by the state of their relationship.

3. Without a doubt, the number one contributor to the fall season of marriage-overwhelmingly-is the action of neglect, or taking no action at all. The underlying assumption seems to be that the marriage will take care of itself. Husbands and wives have their own separate interests, and they forget to do the kinds of things that foster a positive marital relationship. Consequently, they grow slowly apart. They may be jolted into the reality that their marriage is in the fall season by some crisis, such as an extramarital affair, but the reality is that they were in the fall season for weeks-and perhaps months-before the crisis came.

I hope you will understand that the seasons of fall and winter are not altogether purposeless. They often serve as a wake-up call to stimulate marital growth. No marriage is hopeless! With the help of God, all things are possible.

MARITAL SEASONS PROFILE

1. Marriage relationships are constantly changing. As we've seen, they go through identifiable seasons that may occur numerous times throughout the life of a marriage. That is, every couple will experience a succession of winters, summers, springs, and falls. The value of identifying the present season of your marriage is that it will help you become conscious of the present quality of your marriage and aware of the attitudes, emotions, and actions that characterize your relationship.

2. Some of the seasons of marriage are more enjoyable and productive than others. Knowing the season of your marriage will allow you to take positive steps to maintain the joys of spring and summer and correct the negative behaviors that lead to fall and winter. If both you and your spouse are willing to take the profile, it can be a means for the two of you to honestly discuss the quality of your marriage and to take positive steps in stimulating marital growth. It is recommended that you take the profile individually without discussion until you have tabulated your results.

3. What season is your marriage in? Four words or phrases appear in each of the following sixteen rows. Choose one word or phrase per row that best represents your thoughts and feelings about your marriage during the past few weeks. Once you have checked one word or phrase per row, tally each of the four columns by counting each check mark in that column as one point. You will have a score ranging from 0 to 16 for each of the four columns.

Column 1 lists words and phrases that are typically used to describe the winter season of marriage. Column 2 represents spring. Column 3 represents summer. Column 4 represents fall. The column with the most points reflects the current season of your marriage. A close or equal score between two seasons suggests your marriage has elements of both seasons or may be in transition. 

4. Do you agree with your scores? Are you surprised? Compare your answers with your spouse's answers and discuss what you each have contributed, either positive or negative, to bring you into this season. If you are in an enjoyable season, congratulations and keep up the good work! The second part of this book will teach you some strategies to keep your marriage growing and thriving. If you are not in an enjoyable season, don't give up. The strategies explained in Part II will give you some practical steps you can take to improve your marriage. Regardless of the season of your marriage, there's hope and there's room for improvement. Commit yourself to work for the best possible marriage you can have.

PART 2: SEVEN STRATEGIES TO ENHANCE THE SEASON OF YOUR MARRIAGE

1. STRATEGY 1: DEAL WITH PAST FAILURES

Dealing with past failures involves three steps: identifying past failures, confession and repentance, and forgiveness. The first step may be the most difficult.

a. STEP 1: IDENTIFYING PAST FAILURES

- Jesus described the problem in Matthew 7:3-5. If we apply his teaching to marriage, it would sound like this: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your spouse's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ... First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your spouse's eye".

- Marriage doesn't operate in a vacuum. It affects everyone who is closely associated with a couple. I can assure you that you are likely to hear some things from your children and parents that you don't want to hear. Satan will tell you to defend yourself and say that what they are saying is not really the whole picture. He will want you to discount their testimony. Don't yield to that temptation. They are giving you good information. It is their perception of what they have observed about the way you have treated your spouse. Perhaps it was not your intention, but that's the way it came across to them. So accept what they say and put it on your list.

- The process of identifying past failures takes time and effort. It may also be painful. However, we cannot deal with past failures until we know what they are. Bringing family members into the process helps us see what others have observed about our behavior. We seldom see ourselves as others see us. Writing out our own pain from past experiences helps us identify why we are so hurt and angry. Sharing it with our spouse in written form makes it easier for him or her to sense our pain and not get defensive.

b. STEP 2: CONFESSION AND REPENTANCE

The word confession means "to agree with." Therefore, when you confess your failures and admit that you have hurt your spouse, you are agreeing with God that you were wrong. You are agreeing that your behavior has caused pain to your spouse and has grieved God's heart. Repentance means "to turn around and walk in the opposite direction." By repenting of your failures and the hurt you've caused your spouse, you are expressing to God your desire to behave differently in the future. You are asking for the power of the Holy Spirit to enable you to love your spouse as God intends.

c. STEP 3: FORGIVENESS

In the Scriptures, forgiveness is always the Christian response to confession and repentance. Jesus said, "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him" (Luke 17:3). There is no place in the Christian life for an unforgiving spirit. In fact, Jesus taught that an unforgiving spirit is rebellion against God and must be confessed as sinful'.

"Remember, forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision to lift the penalty for past failures and declare the spouse pardoned".

In forgiving others, you become more like Christ. In other words, dealing with past failures is a huge step toward spiritual maturity.

2. STRATEGY 2: CHOOSE A WINNING ATTITUDE

• First, we must acknowledge our negative thinking. Most of us tend to rationalize and excuse our negative attitudes. As long as we rationalize our negative attitudes as legitimate, they will never change. 

• The second step toward a winning attitude is identifying your spouse's positive characteristics. I suggest that you make a written list. Ask God to bring to your mind all the positive things about your spouse, and then write them down. 

• The third step is to focus on those positive traits. Begin by thanking God for each one.

• A fourth step is to ask God to give you a biblical perspective of your spouse. Ask God to give you a new, positive attitude.

"The tongue has the power of life and death" (Proverbs 18:21). You can give your marriage new life when you begin to express verbal appreciation to your spouse.

Choose a winning attitude and you are more likely to win. Tell yourself that you can be a better spouse and you will become one. 

3. STRATEGY 3: LEARN TO SPEAK YOUR SPOUSE'S LOVE LANGUAGE

- Words of Affirmation

If your spouse's primary love language is words of affirmation, your spoken praise and appreciation will fall like rain on parched soil. Before long, you will see new life sprouting in your marriage as your spouse responds to your words of love.

- Acts of Service

Do you remember the old saying, "Actions speak louder than words"? For some people, that is particularly true of love. If acts of service is your spouse's primary love language, nothing will speak more deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service.

- Receiving Gifts

Giving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says if you love someone, you will give to him or her. The gifts need not be expensive

or elaborate; it's the thought that counts.

- Quality Time

If your spouse's love language is quality time, giving him or her your undivided attention is one of the best ways you can show your love.

- Physical Touch

In marriage, the love language of physical touch includes everything from putting a hand on your mate's shoulder as you walk by, touching his or her leg as you're driving together, and holding hands while you're walking to kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse. 

Although unconditional love is difficult, it is the kind of love that God has for us. Romans 5:8 says that God loved us "while we were still sinners" and sent Christ to die for us. Scripture also says that we love God "because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Therefore, when you choose to love your spouse unconditionally, you are following God's example. And if you ask God, He will give you the ability to do it.