1. Marriages are perpetually in a state of transition, continually moving from one season to another perhaps not annually, as in nature, but just as certainly and consistently. Sometimes we find ourselves in winter-discouraged, detached, and dissatisfied; other times we experience springtime, with its openness, hope, and anticipation. On still other occasions we bask in the warmth of summer-comfortable, relaxed, enjoying life. And then comes fall with its uncertainty, negligence, and apprehension. The cycle repeats itself many times throughout the life of a marriage, just as the seasons repeat themselves in nature.
2. The seasons of marriage come and go. Each one holds the potential for emotional health and happiness, and each one has its challenges. The key is to develop the necessary skills to enhance your marriage in all four seasons. Unlike trees, which are at the mercy of the weather and other factors, as humans we have the capacity to make decisions. We can choose attitudes and actions that will improve and strengthen our marriages. We can plant seeds of love and hope in the springtime that will produce fruit during the summer. And we can harvest a storehouse of good feelings and open communication that will prepare us to weather the changes of fall and the icy cold of winter.
PART 1: THE FOUR SEASON OF MARRIAGE
THE NATURE OF MARRIAGE
1. Marriage is designed to satisfy this deep search for intimacy. Thus, marriage is not simply a relationship; it is an intimate relationship that encompasses all aspects of life: intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical. In a marriage relationship, a husband and wife share life with each other in the deepest possible way. They view themselves as a unified team, not as two individuals who happen to be living in close proximity. Because the desire and drive for intimacy are at the very heart of marriage, the individuals involved become troubled about their relationship when such intimacy is not attained.
From a biblical perspective, the purpose of life is not to accomplish our own objectives. The purpose of life is to know God and to bring glory and honor to His name.
2. Marriage relationships are constantly changing. Attitudes shift, emotions fluctuate, and the way spouses treat each other ebbs and flows between loving and not so loving. Life is full of unanticipated changes. Our only choice as couples is in how we will respond. The manner in which couples process these changes will determine the quality of their marriages.
Our response to change consists of emotions, attitudes, and actions. The combination of these three factors will determine which season our marriage is in at any given time.
3. Emotions tell us that something is wrong or right in a relationship, but emotions must lead to reason, and reason must be guided by truth if we are to take constructive action. We must not short circuit the process and jump straight from emotions to action without the benefit of reason. Many couples who have done this have found themselves in winter when they could have ended up in spring or summer.
EMOTIONS moderated by REASON guided by TRUTH = CONSTRUCTIVE ACTION
WINTER
1. Winter marriages are characterized by coldness, harshness, and bitterness. The dreams of spring are covered with layers of ice, and the weather forecast calls for more freezing rain. If the husband and wife have a conversation, it is merely about logistics: who will do what and when. If they try to talk about their relationship, it typically ends in an argument that goes unresolved. Some couples simply live in a cold silence. Essentially, they lead independent lives though they live in the same house. Each spouse blames the other for the coldness of the relationship.
2. What brings a couple to the winter season of marriage? In a word: rigidity-the unwillingness to consider the other person's perspective and to work toward a meaningful compromise. All couples face difficulties, and all couples have differences. Couples who fail to negotiate these differences will find themselves in the middle of winter-a season of marriage created not by the difficulties of life but by the manner in which a couple respond to those difficulties. When one or both marriage partners insist on "my way or not at all," they are moving their marriage toward winter.
3. Some of the emotions of winter are hurt, anger, and disappointment, often accompanied by loneliness and a sense of rejection. All the emotions of a couple caught in winter reveal the coldness, harshness, and bitterness that grip the marriage.
4. Our natural tendency in the middle of winter is to avoid the elements as much as possible. When the weather turns frigid, we retreat inside for survival and wait for it to warm up or for the season to change. In a winter marriage, there may be a similar tendency to "avoid the elements." Spouses may withdraw within themselves, hunkering down and trying to ride out the cold season, hoping for spring but not taking any positive steps to move their marriage toward spring. However, unlike the natural seasons, the seasons of a marriage do not typically change without some positive action-unless it's a change from bad to worse.
5. If your marriage is in winter, it may appear beyond hope. But don't give up. Just as most people wouldn't lie down in the snow and wait to die, there's no reason to passively accept the coldness of a wintry marriage. There is a way out, and it begins with hope. The coldness of winter often stimulates a desire for healing and health. It is the sick who seek a physician and find healing. A winter marriage often makes couples desperate enough to break out of their silent suffering and seek the help of a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend. Those who seek help will find it.
6. Through the process of healing, couples come to experience the positive side of winter. As one husband said, "We realized that through the pain we rediscovered our roots, affirmed our faith, and grew in character". Often it is the trials of life that produce patience and perseverance.' God can use marital winters for good. Working through the season of winter may never be "fun" or "exciting," like sledding down a steep hill or a ski trip to Vail, but when couples persevere and begin to take positive steps to improve their marriage, they emerge stronger, more committed, and better able to work through their differences.
7. When the failures of winter are confessed and forgiven, forgiveness makes room for love, and "love covers over a multitude of sins". By extending the olive branch of peace, even in the midst of pain and alienation, countless couples have discovered the potential for deep healing and an even deeper intimacy.
SPRING
1. Spring is where most marriages begin, the excitement of creating a new life together giving men and women the courage to make a covenant marriage commitment. "To love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth, so long as we both shall live". These words have the ring of spring. What could be more exciting than joining two lives together to help each other accomplish the purposes for which they were created? Yes, marriages begin in the springtime.
Spring is characterized by animated and buoyant feelings, such as excitement, joy, hope, and happiness.
2. In the springtime of marriage, spouses have positive attitudes toward each other and toward life in general. The typical attitudes of spring are gratitude and anticipation of the future. Change is perceived as an opportunity for new beginnings, and springtime couples fully expect to make the best of those opportunities.
3. Not only is springtime characterized by an attitude of optimism, it is also accompanied by an attitude of gratitude. At springtime in your marriage, you will be consciously thinking about things you might do or say to express your love to your mate.
4. Springtime is also undergirded by an attitude of trust. Trust is believing that your spouse is a person of integrity-that he or she will tell you the truth. If your marriage is built on a solid foundation of trust, you are certain of your spouse's faithfulness to the marital commitment, and you will choose to believe the best about your mate, even in uncertain circumstances. The attitude of trust brings a sense of security.
5. When spring comes to a marriage relationship, it will be characterized by new attitudes and new activities. We look for ways to express our love and stimulate excitement in our relationship. These are not random actions-activity for activity's sake-nor are they self-centered. The focus is on bringing new life to the marriage and building up the good that is already there. In this season of marriage, the guiding principle is nurture, which means "to feed". The actions of springtime are designed to feed and nourish the marital relationship. Both spouses seek to do things that will enhance the life of their mate. They ask themselves, "How will this affect our relationship?" If a marriage is in the season of spring, both spouses will do things to deepen the relationship and benefit the other person.
"When we brought God back into our lives, we began to see the positive things about each other and focused on those. We began to pray together and play together. It has made a world of difference for us".
6. Obviously, making positive changes requires a willingness to change. If we continue with our willingness to change, we will live in the springtime or summer most of our lives. Loving actions, which begin with a willingness to change, create a positive emotional climate between a husband and wife that makes life exciting.
Learning how to take positive action sometimes requires outside help. Being willing to go for counseling is a positive action that often results in the return of spring.
7. In a springtime marriage, we may encounter poison ivy-irritations that pop up unannounced and unexpected. These irritations can cause marital itching, even in the midst of springtime. They can ruin a perfectly wonderful vacation or turn a fine dinner into an emotional fiasco. These irritations do not change the season, but they may make spring less enjoyable. As part of Strategy 6, we will discuss how to turn these irritations into assets as we "maximize" our differences. For the moment, however, let me encourage you to share your irritations with your spouse and be open to change.
8. Spring often leads a couple to make positive changes. It is a time of new beginnings, new patterns of life, new ways of listening and expressing concern, and new ways of loving. If we successfully implement and nurture these positive changes, springtime will give way to the fun and warmth of summer. On the other hand, if we fail to follow through with new beginnings, we may find ourselves skipping summer altogether and slipping straight into fall or winter. But missing summer is like missing the ice-cream truck. It's enough to make a grown man cry.
SUMMER
1. Fun is also the theme of a summer marriage. Life is beautiful. We are reaping the benefits of our hard efforts to understand each other and to work together as a team to see the dreams of spring fulfilled. The anticipation of spring has turned into the reality of summer. The initial excitement may have waned, but our sense of connection with each other has deepened. We have fewer misunderstandings, and when we do, resolutions come more quickly. If our marriage is in the season of summer, we will share a deep sense of commitment and satisfaction. And we will feel secure in each other's love.
Summer is characterized by feelings of happiness, satisfaction, accomplishment, and connection.
2. Summer marriages are much like flowers: They are beautiful, but they must be watered. Couples who are successful at having an extended season of summer in their marriage are ones who have learned to maintain what they have attained. They recognize that the summer season did not come without preparing the soil, planting the seeds, and nurturing the marriage. Now that they are enjoying the beauty of summer, they want to maintain it, and they have an attitude of work and growth.
3. In a summer marriage, the warm emotional climate fosters positive actions. The atmosphere is relaxed. We understand our spouse better, we accept each other's differences, and we have learned how to resolve our conflicts. Though life is comfortable, we still want to take some positive actions to "water the flowers" in our summer marriage.
4. Couples who have open communication also come to practical solution. When couples communicate openly with each other, they are far more likely to find workable solutions to what could otherwise be serious problems in their marriage.
"It's very refreshing to be in a marriage that has weathered a variety of seasons, to know that the investment you have made in someone's life is paying dividends, not only in our relationship but with our families and children".
5. A second important action to maintain a summer marriage is granting each other the freedom to be different. Differences are inevitable, but they can also be very divisive. Couples who desire to continue in the summer season will consciously give each other the freedom to think, feel, and react differently.
6. A third action step that is common among couples who describe their marriage as being in the summer season is attend ing marriage seminars and reading books on marriage.
Many couples have indicated that the most significant factor in their ability to have a summer marriage is that they have found ways to stimulate spiritual growth.
7. In a summer marriage, the yellow jackets are analogous to those unresolved conflicts that nest beneath the surface of our day-to-day lives. We might be in the summer season of marriage, enjoying life together, watching the flowers bloom, doing a bit of weeding around the edges of our relationship; but there's another, unseen, level in our relationship, an underground nest where we have pushed our unresolved issues. When one spouse or the other ventures too close to the door of the nest, the yellow jackets come flying out and we find ourselves arguing in the middle of summer.
FALL
1. The falling of the leaves is an apt analogy of what happens in the fall season of marriage. In early fall, the marriage looks fine externally. Outsiders may even comment on how happy the couple seem to be. But inside the marriage, things are changing. And when the chilling winds arrive, the deterioration of the marriage will be obvious to all. Fall becomes the prelude to winter. As with the other seasons of marriage, fall has its own set of emotions, attitudes, and actions.
2. The emotions of fall include feelings of sadness, apprehension, and rejection, sometimes accompanied by a feeling of being emotionally depleted. Couples in the fall season are aware that things aren't right, though they may or may not be expressing these feelings to each other. But they are troubled by the state of their relationship.
3. Without a doubt, the number one contributor to the fall season of marriage-overwhelmingly-is the action of neglect, or taking no action at all. The underlying assumption seems to be that the marriage will take care of itself. Husbands and wives have their own separate interests, and they forget to do the kinds of things that foster a positive marital relationship. Consequently, they grow slowly apart. They may be jolted into the reality that their marriage is in the fall season by some crisis, such as an extramarital affair, but the reality is that they were in the fall season for weeks-and perhaps months-before the crisis came.
I hope you will understand that the seasons of fall and winter are not altogether purposeless. They often serve as a wake-up call to stimulate marital growth. No marriage is hopeless! With the help of God, all things are possible.
MARITAL SEASONS PROFILE
1. Marriage relationships are constantly changing. As we've seen, they go through identifiable seasons that may occur numerous times throughout the life of a marriage. That is, every couple will experience a succession of winters, summers, springs, and falls. The value of identifying the present season of your marriage is that it will help you become conscious of the present quality of your marriage and aware of the attitudes, emotions, and actions that characterize your relationship.
2. Some of the seasons of marriage are more enjoyable and productive than others. Knowing the season of your marriage will allow you to take positive steps to maintain the joys of spring and summer and correct the negative behaviors that lead to fall and winter. If both you and your spouse are willing to take the profile, it can be a means for the two of you to honestly discuss the quality of your marriage and to take positive steps in stimulating marital growth. It is recommended that you take the profile individually without discussion until you have tabulated your results.
3. What season is your marriage in? Four words or phrases appear in each of the following sixteen rows. Choose one word or phrase per row that best represents your thoughts and feelings about your marriage during the past few weeks. Once you have checked one word or phrase per row, tally each of the four columns by counting each check mark in that column as one point. You will have a score ranging from 0 to 16 for each of the four columns.
Column 1 lists words and phrases that are typically used to describe the winter season of marriage. Column 2 represents spring. Column 3 represents summer. Column 4 represents fall. The column with the most points reflects the current season of your marriage. A close or equal score between two seasons suggests your marriage has elements of both seasons or may be in transition.
4. Do you agree with your scores? Are you surprised? Compare your answers with your spouse's answers and discuss what you each have contributed, either positive or negative, to bring you into this season. If you are in an enjoyable season, congratulations and keep up the good work! The second part of this book will teach you some strategies to keep your marriage growing and thriving. If you are not in an enjoyable season, don't give up. The strategies explained in Part II will give you some practical steps you can take to improve your marriage. Regardless of the season of your marriage, there's hope and there's room for improvement. Commit yourself to work for the best possible marriage you can have.
PART 2: SEVEN STRATEGIES TO ENHANCE THE SEASON OF YOUR MARRIAGE
1. STRATEGY 1: DEAL WITH PAST FAILURES
Dealing with past failures involves three steps: identifying past failures, confession and repentance, and forgiveness. The first step may be the most difficult.
a. STEP 1: IDENTIFYING PAST FAILURES
- Jesus described the problem in Matthew 7:3-5. If we apply his teaching to marriage, it would sound like this: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your spouse's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ... First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your spouse's eye".
- Marriage doesn't operate in a vacuum. It affects everyone who is closely associated with a couple. I can assure you that you are likely to hear some things from your children and parents that you don't want to hear. Satan will tell you to defend yourself and say that what they are saying is not really the whole picture. He will want you to discount their testimony. Don't yield to that temptation. They are giving you good information. It is their perception of what they have observed about the way you have treated your spouse. Perhaps it was not your intention, but that's the way it came across to them. So accept what they say and put it on your list.
- The process of identifying past failures takes time and effort. It may also be painful. However, we cannot deal with past failures until we know what they are. Bringing family members into the process helps us see what others have observed about our behavior. We seldom see ourselves as others see us. Writing out our own pain from past experiences helps us identify why we are so hurt and angry. Sharing it with our spouse in written form makes it easier for him or her to sense our pain and not get defensive.
b. STEP 2: CONFESSION AND REPENTANCE
The word confession means "to agree with." Therefore, when you confess your failures and admit that you have hurt your spouse, you are agreeing with God that you were wrong. You are agreeing that your behavior has caused pain to your spouse and has grieved God's heart. Repentance means "to turn around and walk in the opposite direction." By repenting of your failures and the hurt you've caused your spouse, you are expressing to God your desire to behave differently in the future. You are asking for the power of the Holy Spirit to enable you to love your spouse as God intends.
c. STEP 3: FORGIVENESS
In the Scriptures, forgiveness is always the Christian response to confession and repentance. Jesus said, "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him" (Luke 17:3). There is no place in the Christian life for an unforgiving spirit. In fact, Jesus taught that an unforgiving spirit is rebellion against God and must be confessed as sinful'.
"Remember, forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision to lift the penalty for past failures and declare the spouse pardoned".
In forgiving others, you become more like Christ. In other words, dealing with past failures is a huge step toward spiritual maturity.
2. STRATEGY 2: CHOOSE A WINNING ATTITUDE
• First, we must acknowledge our negative thinking. Most of us tend to rationalize and excuse our negative attitudes. As long as we rationalize our negative attitudes as legitimate, they will never change.
• The second step toward a winning attitude is identifying your spouse's positive characteristics. I suggest that you make a written list. Ask God to bring to your mind all the positive things about your spouse, and then write them down.
• The third step is to focus on those positive traits. Begin by thanking God for each one.
• A fourth step is to ask God to give you a biblical perspective of your spouse. Ask God to give you a new, positive attitude.
"The tongue has the power of life and death" (Proverbs 18:21). You can give your marriage new life when you begin to express verbal appreciation to your spouse.
Choose a winning attitude and you are more likely to win. Tell yourself that you can be a better spouse and you will become one.
3. STRATEGY 3: LEARN TO SPEAK YOUR SPOUSE'S LOVE LANGUAGE
- Words of Affirmation
If your spouse's primary love language is words of affirmation, your spoken praise and appreciation will fall like rain on parched soil. Before long, you will see new life sprouting in your marriage as your spouse responds to your words of love.
- Acts of Service
Do you remember the old saying, "Actions speak louder than words"? For some people, that is particularly true of love. If acts of service is your spouse's primary love language, nothing will speak more deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service.
- Receiving Gifts
Giving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says if you love someone, you will give to him or her. The gifts need not be expensive
or elaborate; it's the thought that counts.
- Quality Time
If your spouse's love language is quality time, giving him or her your undivided attention is one of the best ways you can show your love.
- Physical Touch
In marriage, the love language of physical touch includes everything from putting a hand on your mate's shoulder as you walk by, touching his or her leg as you're driving together, and holding hands while you're walking to kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse.
Although unconditional love is difficult, it is the kind of love that God has for us. Romans 5:8 says that God loved us "while we were still sinners" and sent Christ to die for us. Scripture also says that we love God "because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Therefore, when you choose to love your spouse unconditionally, you are following God's example. And if you ask God, He will give you the ability to do it.
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