SEVEN: THAT TOILET ARE NOT SELF-CLEANING
1. I raise this issue not because I am overly concerned about who will clean the toilet. However, I am greatly concerned that you will enter marriage never having discussed who is going to do what after you get married. It is what the sociologists call “marital roles.” Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages.
2. There are several factors that come into play when you discuss marital roles:
• The two of you grew up with different models
The mature couple will openly and honestly share their own expectations and, where they have differences of opinion, will negotiate an agreement about marital roles before they get married.
• Your ownphilosophy about maleness and femaleness
Your philosophy answers the question, “What does a man do and what does a woman do in a marriage relationship?” Your answer to this question has been greatly influenced by your educational experience.
• The reality that both of you have different skills
When it comes to food preparation, one of you may be skilled at shopping for the best deals while the other may simply buy whatever is necessary to prepare the meal.
• The simple fact that each of you has likes and dislikes
Ideally, it would be nice to have each of you doing things that you enjoy doing. But if neither of you enjoys doing it, obviously someone must accept responsibility for a task that is not necessarily pleasant.
3. We need not have the same skill sets, but it is important to recognize these differing abilities and seek to use them for the benefit of the relationship. On a football team, all eleven players have the same objective, but they don’t all play the same role.
4. If you are seriously contemplating marriage, make a list of all the things that come to mind that will have to be done in order to maintain a household. Make two copies of this list and, individually and separately, sit down with the list and put your initials beside those items that you think will be your responsibility. Where you have disagreements, it calls for negotiation. Share with each other your reasons for the choice you made. Be as open and honest as you can about what brought you to that conclusion. After listening to each other empathetically, then seek to make an agreement on who will accept that responsibility. (If you can’t agree before marriage, what makes you think you will agree after marriage?)
5. Completing this assignment does not mean that you are locked into these responsibilities for the rest of your life. After six months of marriage, you may want to renegotiate some of these things. But it does mean you will enter marriage with a better understanding of your expectations of each other. Completing these exercises and reaching agreement on who will do what will save you many conflicts and make life flow much more harmoniously for both of you.
EIGHT: THAT WE NEEDED A PLAN FOR HANDLING OUR MONEY
1. First, to agree that after marriage, it will no longer be “my money” and “your money” but “our money.” At the heart of marriage is the desire for unity. “For better or for worse,” we intend to live life together. The implication is that we will share our income and work as a team in deciding what to do with our money. Incidentally, this also means that his and her debts will become “our debts,” and we have the responsibility to develop a plan to repay these debts. It also implies that his and her savings will become “our savings.” If you are not ready for this kind of unity, then you are not ready for marriage.
2. Second, to agree on a percentage of income that you will save, give away, and spend. The purpose of giving is to express gratitude for what has been given to you. The ancient Jewish and Christian traditions encourage the giving of 10 percent of one’s income. The happiest people in the world are not those who have the most money but those who have learned the satisfaction of giving to help others. An early Christian text says, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35).
3. Another extremely important matter that needs to be discussed by every couple is credit buying. If you have a credit card, use it only for emergencies (medical treatment) and necessities (car repairs, major appliances). Then, pay off the balance as quickly as possible. Never use the card for non-essentials— instead, save and pay cash.
4. Why must you have the biggest and the best now? With such a philosophy, you destroy the joy of aspiration and attainment. The necessities of life are relatively few. They can be met on your present income. I am not opposed to aspiring for more and better “things” if these can be used for good. But I am suggesting that you live in the present rather than the future. Leave the future joys for future accomplishments. Enjoy today what you have today.
5. The final suggestion I wish to make is that you decide before marriage who will keep the books after you are married. The one who “keeps the books” is the one who pays the monthly bills and keeps tabs on the online accounts. This is the person who seeks to keep the two of you on track with the spending plan upon which you have agreed. This does not mean that the one chosen to keep the books is in charge of making financial decisions. Such decisions are to be made as a team.
CHAPTER NINE: THAT MUTUAL SEXUAL FULFILLMENT IS NOT AUTOMATIC
1. First, men focus on intercourse, women focus on relationship. If the relationship has been fractured by harsh words or irresponsible behavior, the female will find it very hard to be interested in sex. To her, sex is an intimate act and grows out of a loving relationship. Ironically, men often think that sexual intercourse will solve whatever relationship problems may exist.
2. Another way of expressing this reality i that for women, sex begins in the kitchen, not in the bedroom. If he speaks her love language in the kitchen, she is far more open to having sex when they reach the bedroom. If her love language is acts of service, then washing dishes and taking out the garbage may be a sexual turn-on for her. While a husband may have a satisfying sexual experience with his wife even when his “love tank” is not full, the wife would find that extremely difficult.
3. Second, to the wife, foreplay is more important than the actual act of intercourse itself. While women like to simmer, men tend to reach the boiling point much faster. It is the tender touches and kisses of foreplay that bring her to the point of desiring intercourse. Without sufficient foreplay, the wife will often feel violated.
4. Third, mutual sexual satisfaction does not require simultaneous climax. The fact is, seldom do couples have a simultaneous climax or orgasm. What is important is that each of you experiences the pleasure of climax or orgasm. Such pleasure does not have to come simultaneously.
5. Fourth, when one forces a particular sexual act upon one’s spouse, it ceases to be an act of love and becomes sexual abuse. True love is always seeking to bring pleasure to the spouse. It is never demanding something that the spouse finds objectionable. If the two of you disagree on a particular kind of sexual expression, then it calls for communication and negotiation. If you cannot reach an agreement, then love respects the desires of the spouse who objects. To violate this principle is to sabotage mutual sexual fulfillment.
6. Fifth, sex is more than intercourse. By its very nature, sex is a bonding experience. It is the union of male and female in the most intimate way. It is the union of body, soul, and spirit. It is designed to be the unique bonding experience that unites a husband and wife in a lifelong intimate relationship. On the other hand, when intercourse is viewed as an act of love that expresses in the deepest possible way our commitment to each other, it leads to mutual sexual fulfillment.
7. Sixth, communication is the key that unlocks sexual fulfillment. The only way we can learn what is pleasurable or objectionable to the other is to listen as they choose to talk. Empathetic listening is listening with a view to discovering what the other person is thinking and feeling. What are their desires and frustrations? Ask this question once a month for the first six months of their marriage: “What could I do or not do that would make the sexual part of the marriage better for you?” Write down their answer and take it seriously.
8. Seven, the past never remains in the past. In today’s sexually open culture, many couples have been sexually active before marriage. The commonly held idea is that sexual experience before marriage better prepares you for marriage. The reality is that previous sexual experience often becomes a psychological barrier in achieving sexual unity in marriage.
9. It is far better to deal with past sexual experiences before marriage. When we are silent on this subject and enter marriage without discussing our past sexual activities, almost always the past has a way of erupting into the present. When this happens after marriage, the awareness of deception is often more difficult to overcome than the sexual activity itself. If knowing the truth about past sexual experiences does not help you find healing and acceptance before marriage, then my advice is to postpone the marriage while the two of you work through the issue with each other or perhaps with the help of a counselor. If ultimately you cannot find healing and acceptance of the past, then in my opinion you would be wise to cancel your plans to get married. If you are struggling with this issue, I would encourage you to read The Invisible Bond: How to Break Free from Your Sexual Past, which will give you further help on how to process the past in a positive way.
CHAPTER TEN: THAT I WAS MARRYING INTO A FAMILY
1. When you marry, you become a part of an extended family. Life will be much easier if you can have a positive relationship with this extended family. Your relationship with each of these individuals depends on the opportunities you have to interact with each other.
2. Five keys issues:
• Holiday
At the top of the list will be Christmas. In Western culture, more families get together at Christmas than at any other holiday. Often, the problem is that his parents want both of you at their house on Christmas Day and her parents want the same.
• Traditions
Traditions are often undergirded by deep emotions and should never be treated
lightly.
• Expectations
Unless you have spent a great deal of time with them before marriage, you may be blindsided by these expectations.
• Patterns of behavior that you find irritating or troublesome
You may discover that your father-in-law goes out with “the boys” every Thursday night and normally comes home intoxicated and verbally abuses his wife.
• Religious belief that differ from yours
One young husband said, “Every time I’m around her father, it’s like he’s trying to convert me to his brand of Christianity. I am a Christian but I’m not as dogmatic and pushy as he is. I think religion is a personal matter and I resent him trying to pressure me to agree with him.”
3. In these and numerous other areas, you will discover that your in-laws are individuals who have unique thoughts, feelings, and desires. These may differ from yours. So, how do you build a positive relationship with your in-laws?
~The process begins by learning to listen empathetically
By empathetic listening, I mean listening with a view to understanding what your in-laws think, how they came to that conclusion, and how strongly they feel about it.
~Always speak for yourself
Instead of saying, “You hurt my feelings when you said that,” you might say, “I felt hurt when I heard you say that.” When you start your sentence with “I,” you are giving your perspective. When you begin your sentence with “you,” you are placing blame and will likely experience a defensive response from your in-laws.
~Learning to negotiate differences
Negotiation begins by someone making a proposal. Negotiation is enhanced when you make requests and not demands.
~Learn the primary love language of your in-laws and speak that language regularly
When your in-laws feel genuinely loved, it creates a positive climate in which to negotiate differences.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: THAT SPIRITUALITY IS NOT TO BE EQUATED WITH "GOING TO CHURCH"
1. When couples are contemplating marriage, religion needs to be near the top of the list in matters that need to be discussed. The question is, “Are our spiritual beliefs compatible?" Few things have the potential for causing marital conflict more than divergent spiritual views. That is why most world religions encourage their adherents to marry within their own religious tradition.
2. So what are the issues that need to be looked at? First, there is one’s concept of God. The Hebrew scriptures begin with these words: “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” A few paragraphs later we read, “So God created human beings in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." Are these words to be taken literally? Is there a transcendent, powerful creator who not only created the universe but made man in His own image? Or is this simply to be taken as Hebrew mythology? Your answer to those questions will have a profound impact on your self perception and how you live your life. Your answers to the following questions will reveal the level of your spiritual compatibility.
3. We do not choose our family, and thus, the religion, into which we are born. But as adults, we have the responsibility to seek truth in all areas of life. If you realize that your religion is simply a cultural artifact, I would encourage you to take the time to explore the history and beliefs of your religious heritage and discuss your journey openly with the person you are dating. If you cannot be honest and open about your religious beliefs before marriage, you are not likely to do so after marriage and your religious beliefs will likely become a source of conflict.
4. If you are contemplating marriage to someone outside your own Christian tradition, I urge you to explore both of your traditions and seek to negotiate your differences. To marry simply because you are “in love” and to ignore the implications of these spiritual differences are signs of immaturity.
5. Religious beliefs are often accompanied by strong emotions and deeply held convictions. Even atheists often hold their non-God views tenaciously, and those beliefs affect the way they approach life. In that sense, though they deny the existence of God, they are deeply religious. Because our religious beliefs affect all of life, it is very important that we explore the foundation of spiritual compatibility before we make the commitment to marriage.
CHAPTER TWELVE: THAT PERSONALITY PROFOUNDLY INFLUENCES BEHAVIOR
1. "Morning persons” and “Night persons".
A morning person will never become a night person, and a night person will never become a morning person. It’s a part of our personality. With effort, we can push ourselves to be functional in those early or late hours that are not prime time for us.
2. The Pessimist and the Optimist
The optimist sees the glass as half full; the pessimist sees it as half empty. The optimist sees the possibilities while the pessimist sees the problems. Each of us has a basic leaning in one direction or the other, but we are often unaware of this aspect of our personality. The answer to this personality difference lies in understanding and accepting the differences, and not condemning each other for being who they are. They must then negotiate a method of honoring each other’s personality.
3. The Neatnik and the Slob
Some people do live by the motto “A place for everything and everything in its place.” Other people have no compulsion to put away their tools, clothes, used coffee mugs, or anything else. If you fall into different categories, then now is the time for negotiation. Face reality and discuss who will be responsible for what after you are married in order to keep some level of emotional sanity.
4. The “Dead Sea” and the “Babbling Brook"
Some people talk freely about everything. Others are more thoughtful, introspective, and less likely to share their thoughts and feelings. I have often referred to the latter as
5. Passives and Aggressives
The old adage says, “Some people read history; others make it.” Often these people are married to each other. The aggressive husband or wife believes that each day is a new opportunity to advance the cause. They will aggressively pursue what they want, what they believe to be right, or what they think should happen. On the other hand, the passive person will spend time thinking, analyzing, wondering “What if?” and waiting for something good to happen. Their theme is, “Everything comes to him who waits.”
6. Professors and Dancers
Some people are extremely logical in their reasoning. They progress through rational steps and reach what to them is a logical conclusion. Other people simply know in their heart what is right in a given situation. They cannot tell you why or how they reached that conclusion; they simply know that it is the right decision.
7. The Organizer and the Free Spirit
The organizer will give attention to the details while the spontaneous person—the “free spirit”—thinks, “The details will take care of themselves.
8. If the two of you go for premarital counseling, your counselor may also suggest an assessment tool called PREPARE/ENRICH. This is a more comprehensive profile and is geared specifically to couples who are thinking of marriage. This profile will need to be administered, scored, and interpreted by a counselor, but it can be an extremely helpful exercise as a couple moves toward marriage.
APPENDIX
DEVELOPING A HEALHTY DATING RELATIONSHIP
1. There are two distinct stages of dating: casual dating and committed dating. Casual dating may or may not have romantic overtones. The focus of casual dating is enjoying life together and sharing a common interest. Casual dating is typically nonexclusive; that is, one or both of the individuals may also have dating relationships with other people.
2. Casual dating normally moves in one of three directions:
~If no romantic interest develops and they each have a strong common interest, they may develop a strong friendship that focuses on some common activity. These kinds of mutually enjoyable relationships often continue for years.
~A second possibility is that the casual dating relationship will end. Perhaps one of them has a strong romantic attraction and the other does not. This in itself may become a conflict that leads to ending the relationship. Or, if neither has a romantic interest in the other and they have no strong mutual bond, the relationship dies a natural death.
~The third possibility is that in time, even if it were not present in the beginning, they each develop a strong romantic interest in the other. Their times together are mutually enjoyable, and they begin to think that they may be “falling in love” with each other. The relationship will move from casual dating to committed dating.
3. Committed dating is much more serious than casual dating. It is normally perceived as an exclusive relationship. If one of them chooses to date someone else, the one who is betrayed will experience great pain. They will not hesitate to verbalize their pain, and the ensuing conversation will lead either to the breakup of the relationship or to a commitment to each other.
4. Healthy dating relationships will focus on “getting to know” each other. This is really what serious dating is all about. The human psyche is a complex combination of heredity and environment. What you see on the outside is not necessarily what you will discover on the inside. This process of discovery requires a high level of honesty on the part of both individuals. In the early stages of dating, we tend to “put our best foot forward.” That is, we strive to make a good impression. But that is not the attitude which leads to a healthy dating relationship.
5. There are two areas in which honesty is often extremely difficult. One is in sharing our sexual history and the other is in sharing our financial history. Simply because something is “hard to deal with” does not mean it should be ignored. Real life has to do with dealing with hard issues. Learning how to do this while dating prepares you for a healthy marriage in the future.
6. In a healthy dating relationship, you will each foster the educational and vocational goals of the other. After all, our education and vocation are a huge part of life. The young man who says to his girlfriend who is a junior in college, “Why don’t you drop out of college and marry me? I’m going to have a career in the military and you don’t need a college degree,” is not the kind of young man who is ready for marriage. This attitude reveals his own self-centeredness. In a mature relationship, we are encouraging each other and helping each other in the pursuit of educational and vocational goals.
7. A healthy dating relationship will also be a balanced relationship. In an effort to identify the various aspects of our humanity, we often use such words as intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical
• The intellectual has to do with our thoughts, our desires, and our perceptions of life. Learning how to disagree and not be disagreeable is one of the evidences of intellectual compatibility
• The emotional aspect of life has to do with our unsolicited emotional responses to the events we encounter in life. Our feelings are not something we choose; they simply come as a part of life. Learning to share these emotions and understand where they are coming from, and choosing a positive response to our feelings are an important part of the process of maturing. Learning how to help each other process emotions is a part of growing a healthy dating relationship.
• We are also social creatures. We seek to share life with others. There is something about human nature that desires to live in community.
• Then there is the spiritual aspect of life. Man seems inescapably spiritual. So, what l are your concepts of spiritual reality and what are the perceptions of your dating partner? How fully have you discussed this area of life? Because spiritual beliefs often affect the rest of life, this aspect of life is exceedingly important.
• The fifth dimension of our humanity is that we are physical creatures. People differ widely on what they believe to be appropriate touches in a dating relationship. What is important in a healthy relationship is that we respect each other’s boundaries. To force a dating partner to go beyond these boundaries is never an act of love and will be detrimental to the relationship.
THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED
GARY CHAPMAN
No comments:
Post a Comment