INTRODUCTION
1. Think of discipleship. A realistic view of marriage is not a sociological, historical, psychological, or sexual study but a theological mystery, which takes into account and is shaped by an understanding of its profound spiritual character as ordained by Christ--a total relinquishment of the self to another person. There are striking similarities between marriage and discipleship. Both involve a revolution and a revelation.
2. Jesus’ invitation was meant, I believe, not only for the twelve but also for those throughout the world who love Him enough to do what He says. Discipleship to this day requires the acceptance of three conditions: “If anyone would (wants to, will, wishes to) come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me” (Matt.16:24). I heard Him call, Come follow.
3. My gold grew dim, my soul went after Him. Who would not follow if they heard Him call?” Gladly the disciples left their nets and followed Him. They could not know what this would ultimately cost. They had much to learn of the glory of sacrifice. So have we who enter into marriage.
CHAPTER 1: LOVE GIVES UP ITSELF
Jesus Christ demonstrated the true meaning of love when He "gave Himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for Himself a people that are His very own, eager to do what is good" (Titus 2:14).
1. What a difference it would make if every bride and groom clearly understood from day one that marriage begins with a glad relinquishment of the self! The way to self-fulfillment, therefore, is self-giving love. One puts himself unreservedly at the service of another, for that other's sake. This is the bond that unites them (I John 2:5-7). "If anyone obeys His word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in Him: whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did." This voluntary self-offering is divorce from privacy, a strange awareness of the "otherness" of the other.
"You married her because you love her. But from tomorrow on you must love her because you married her."
2. A man who has chosen to marry would do well to contemplate the fact that he marries a sinner. A woman, of course, does the same. There is nobody else to marry! How much is known about the respective spouse--this particular sinner, this man or woman, this husband or wife, this person about which one really knows very little indeed?
Love always means sacrifice--a transfiguring self-discipline.
3. Marriage is perhaps the first opportunity really to know ourselves, our weaknesses and our capacities. We are not ready for such revelations. A very dear and uncommonly wise single friend, whose lover had suddenly changed his mind about marrying her, pointed out to me that a lifelong relationship should begin by hiding in God, strengthening our relationship with Him, knowing that He unconditionally loves us. "It is my desire to learn more of Him," she said, "to be less of a hindrance to let His living water flow. Your relationship can only grow if you unconditionally accept each other as you are, each with your gifts and your weaknesses. It's as simple as that, and therefore as difficult, even as impossible--but remember that Christ has accepted us!
4. Day by day, in the business of loving and living with another who is a part of ourselves and yet opposite, we discover much that has heretofore been hidden from our own eyes. It is a fire, a purging fire, and we must recognize and accept its action.
CHAPTER 2: THE GLORY OF SACRIFICE
1. Hear what the New Testament says: "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through Him." These words from John 3:16, 17 are familiar to most of us, but perhaps we have overlooked their corollary, found in I John 3:16, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."
That is the clear meaning of sacrifice--deny, give up, relinquish, surrender.
2. True strength of will was demonstrated in the Garden of Gethsemane when the Lord Jesus, having asked His Father if it were possible that the cup of suffering should pass by, He then surrendered with these words, "Yet not as I will, but as You will." (Matt. 26:39). None of us would dare to imagine what it cost the Savior to accept that cup. None will ever be so tempted and tried. It is, however, in infinitely smaller and very likely daily tests which will reveal an earnestness to "Be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you" (2 Cor. 13:11).
3. Dr. Henry Krabbendam, in his paper: The Biblical Pattern of Preparation for Marriage writes, "In Genesis God shows that there is an irrepressible tendency in the husband to be irresponsible. It is practically the first thing that Adam displays after his rebellion against God. When asked whether he had eaten of the tree, he points the finger to his wife. . . God also shows that there is an irrepressible tendency in the wife to be dominating. God tells Eve, 'Your desire shall be to your husband, and he shall rule over you.' The combination of Genesis 3:16, where this phrase occurs, and Genesis 4:7, removes beyond any doubt that God warns Eve that she has this tendency and Adam that he may not let it go unchecked." "Oh, how many times we can most of us remember when we would gladly have made any compromise with our consciences, would gladly have made the most costly sacrifices to God, if He would only have excused us from this duty of loving, of which our nature seemed utterly incapable.
4. Are we followers? Then we ought to lay down our lives for each other. Ponder those unequivocal words. Who has prepared us for this sort of thing? Who even broached the subject of "sacrifice"? The truth is that it is impossible to love deeply without sacrifice. Who of us mere mortals can fathom, let alone practice day by day, sacrificial love? Yet that is precisely what we are called to do. "He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with Him" (I Thes. 5:10).
CHAPTER 3: SALTED WITH FIRE
"Dear friends," wrote the apostle Peter (who was deeply acquainted with sorrows), "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ" (I Peter 4:12,13).
1. There is an intriguing verse in Mark 9:49, "Everyone will be salted with fire." J.B. Phillips' translation is "Salt is a very good thing; but if it should lose its saltiness, what can you do to restore its flavor? You must have salt in yourselves, and live at peace with one another." The Jerusalem Bible puts it this way: "If salt has become insipid, how can you season it again?" Salt can be very fiery if it encounters a wound, but at the same time it may be wonderfully remedial. Perhaps this has something to do with learning the deep lessons of participation in the sufferings of Christ--which takes a lifetime--but what a promise is appended by Peter's words, "so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed"!
2. Did you solemnly promise before God and witnesses that you would "live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony?" Did you promise soberly and solemnly "to love, comfort, honor, and keep (him or) her in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others, keep only to (her or him), so long as ye both shall live?"
CHAPTER 4: LOVE IS VERY PATIENT
1. A honeymooning couple may be so dazzled with love that they fail to notice peculiarities which will soon surprise them. The return from the honeymoon begins the knotty matters of the four b's'-- bedroom, bathroom, breakfast and budget. They may be in for a painful jolt when they find that patience must do its perfect work.
2. Are you wishing you had a different set of peculiarities to live with? You begin to take stock of things. What blessings did you receive--perhaps eighty-percent of what you had hoped for? Trust God then for the rest. Let patience have her perfect work. A bridegroom chooses to marry a woman because he loves her. Now he must choose to love her because he married her. He ought to cherish this responsibility and thank God daily for His gift.
"O God who art Love, grant to Thy children to bear one another's burdens in perfect good will, that thy peace which passeth understanding may keep our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus our Lord." (The Book of Hours, 1865).
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
3. The patience of love! God moves in mysterious ways--ways so foreign to the world’s methods of getting what we suppose is good for us. If only we would hear His words, “No good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless” (Ps. 84:11).
“Love is not rude” (I Corinthians 15:5).
CHAPTER 5: A LIFELONG YES
1. Amor amicitiae is Latin for authentic love, that is, wishing well to the beloved for the beloved’s sake. Its opposite, amor concupiscientiae, is desirous love, the wish to possess and control another for one's own benefit. It takes most of us many years to relinquish our personal wants and to develop the intention of unity and concern for the good of the other. Without that development any marriage is on exceedingly shaky ground.
2. The apostle Paul (unmarried so far as we know) understood human failings. He writes in Romans 15: 1-3, 5,6 "We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up, for even Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, 'The insults of those who insult you have fallen on me.' . . May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus." This is a daily task, especially when "my neighbor" is now my spouse. There is work to be done, sacrifices to be made, and a high price to pay. It is a good thing to understand that the happily married are not merely "lucky." One couple , recognizing how easy it is in a marriage to destroy that spirit of unity, decided to pray together each morning for their church, their family, and others.
"I am assured that graces will come and a holiness of life will be mine through this submission and obedience towards my husband. This is not an easy calling for me. It is a challenge, but it is one I am learning truly to love. We are always better off in choosing God's mysterious ways than our own, no matter how logical our arguments may appear to be."
Jesus warns us not to seek the approval of men. "Seekest thou great things for thyself? Seek them not." To have peace one must forget himself. To forget himself one must walk in truth. To walk in truth one must love God and his neighbor.
3. Oswald Chambers in MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST said, "If we have ever had a glimpse of what we are like in the sight of God, we shall never say, 'Oh, I am so unworthy!' because we shall know we are, beyond the possibility of stating it. As long as we are not quite sure that we are unworthy, God will keep narrowing us in until He gets us alone. Wherever there is any element of pride or of conceit, Jesus cannot expound a thing." But what if the "chemistry" just doesn't happen to be there? What if the problems don't go away? An unselfish spirit will enable a man or a woman to allow the Lord to touch him or her in the deepest parts, always remembering that we live in a fallen world, a world saturated with sin, yet a world that is redeemable because of the precious blood of Jesus. His cleansing power is always available. Warmed by His love and grace we may be enabled to become vulnerable in a way not dreamed of as long as we are focusing merely on ourselves.
How then can we defend the notion that we "owe it to ourselves" to rise in the world, to seek self-satisfaction, or distinction? Back to the Bible again! God's word is "Should you then seek great things for yourself? Seek them not" (Jeremiah 45:5).
4. Marriage is an opportunity to accept Jesus' call to discipleship: "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it" (Matt. 16:25). The denial of self is the most difficult task assigned us. If, by His grace, we succeed in that, we may then be ready to take up the cross and follow.
CHAPTER 6: TEN PRACTICAL ADVICES FOR A PERFECT CHRISTIAN FAMILY LIFE
1. Whenever you give your wife advice, always begin by telling her how much you love her. Nothing will persuade her so well to admit the wisdom of your words as her assurance that you are speaking to her with sincere affection.
2. Show her that you value her company and prefer being at home to being out.
3. Esteem her in the presence of your friends and children.
4. If she ever does anything foolish advise her patiently.
5. Prefer her before all others both for her beauty and her discernment--praise her. She will in this way be persuaded to listen to none that are outside but to disregard all the world except for you.
6. If you are overtaken by poverty, remember Peter and Paul, who were more honored than kings or rich men, though they spent their lives in hunger and thirst.
7. Remind one another that nothing in life is to be feared except offending God.
8. Remove from her soul this notion of 'mine' and 'yours.' If she says the word 'mine,' ask her 'What things do you call yours? I honestly don't know what you mean, for my part, I have nothing of my own. How can you speak of 'mine' when everything is yours?'
9. Never call her by her name alone, but with terms of endearment, honor and love. If you honor her, she won't need honor from others. She won't desire praise from others if she enjoys the praise that comes from you.
10. Pray together at home, and when you come back, let each ask the other the meaning of the readings and the prayers. Teach her to fear God and all other good things will flow from this one lesson as from a fountain and your house will be filled with ten thousand blessings. If we seek the things that are perfect, the secondary things will flow. The Lord says, "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you" (Matt. 6:33).
If your marriage is like this, your perfection will rival the holiest of Monks.
[From the book on Marriage and Family Life, by Saint John Chrysostom, Greek church father, 345-407]
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