KETIKA TRAUMA MENCUAT

Awal bulan ini, ada sebuah kejadian yang bikin ketua komselku chat dengan nada penghakiman (menurutku) . Dan chat itu langsung bikin traumaku mencuat lagi. Aku ambil keputusan untuk ga bales chatnya, bahkan ga angkat telponnya. Aku bergumul berhari2 ketika trauma itu muncul kembali. 

Di hari2 itu, aku stress dengan kerjaan, ngerasa anxiety-ku mulai kambuh, jadi aku ngerasa ga berminat untuk nanggepi hal2 lain. Aku disadarkan bahwa trauma akan yang namanya di-judge oleh pemimpin itu masih belom sembuh. Dan aku banyak berdoa, minta Tuhan pulihkan aku di area ini. Aku ga mau terus menerus hidup dengan trauma yang menyiksa ini, aku mau sembuh, aku mau bebas.

Tuhan kirimkan seorang temen komsel yang hari2 itu nyuruh aku test karunia jawatan. Setelah sekian lama aku abaikan, aku ngerasa ada urgensi untuk garap test itu. Dan muncullah bahwa karunia jawatanku adalah nabi dan gembala/guru, yang mana bikin aku shock karena aku ga pernah ngerasa kalo aku bisa mengajar. 

Romans 11:29 "For the gifts and calling of God are without repentance"

Singkat cerita, cece ini telpon aku en bilang kalo dia penasaran apa panggilanku en karunia jawatanku. Dia bilang kalo aku ngerti hal ini, pasti Tuhan akan pakai aku dengan lebih maksimal lagi. Trus dia sempet analisa akar dari traumaku akan di-judge itu. Aku ceritakan pengalaman2 traumatisku selama ikut CG en pelayanan, dimana aku selalu dihakimi oleh leader yang ga kompeten, lalu leader di atasnya lagi ga pernah kroscek langsung skors aku ato ngecut pelayananku, padahal pelayananku paling berbuah.

Disitulah aku disadarkan kalo ada penyebab utama di masa kecil yang bikin aku bermasalah dengan penolakan, ato ga diapresiasi. Dan semua itu berakar dari masa kecil, dimana ortuku menolak kehadiranku en selalu menyalahkan aku atas apa yang terjadi ke adekku (misal adekku nangis karena jatuh sendiri, tetep aku yang dianggep salah ato nakal). Aku punya trust issue dengan otoritas karena ngerasa ga dikasihi en didengarkan, boro2 dikasi kesempatan untuk membuktikan diriku ga bersalah. Dan hal itu bikin aku males konfirmasi atas tuduhan2 yang dilemparkan ke aku, karena ngerasa percuma menjelaskan toh ga pernah didengarkan ato dimengerti. 

Ketika aku tau bahwa akarnya begitu kuat en dalam, aku pengen nangis. Aku menyadari trauma ini merusak banyak kesempatan di hidupku untuk aku bersinar terang, untuk melayani dengan luar biasa, untuk menjangkau banyak orang. Karena tiap kali aku di-judge, aku langsung mundur, males konflik atopun konfirmasi. Dan akhirnya aku ga melayani lagi disitu, aku ninggalin semua hal yang kubangun disitu. 

Ga kebetulan Tuhan ijinkan trauma ini muncul lagi, karena Dia ingin pulihkan, Dia ingin bereskan. Aku tau kalo Dia mau pakai aku lagi dengan semua karunia en talenta yang Dia percayakan, tapi trauma ini harus sembuh dulu, supaya aku ga bisa dipukul mundur lagi oleh iblis. Aku ga mau iblis menyabotase kesempatan2 besar yang Tuhan berikan ke aku untuk melayani Dia en sesama, hanya karena penolakan masa lalu yang begitu melukaiku itu. 

Aku belum berkemenangan di area ini en ga malu untuk mengakui kalo aku dalam proses. Aku tau bahwa masa2 ini menyakitkan, tapi aku mau terbuka akan karya Roh Kudus yang sanggup mengubahkan luka ini menjadi alat untuk memulihkan banyak orang. Aku kembali diingatkan kalo Tuhan ijinkan sesuatu yang buruk terjadi, itu bisa jadi sarana yang dahsyat untuk Dia memakai hidupku. Hanya orang yang terluka yang bisa berempati en melayani orang yang terluka, ada pesan yang kuat yang bisa dibagikan ke orang lain melalui trauma itu. 

Aku ga mau trauma ini jadi kelemahanku, tapi aku mau ubah ini jadi kekuatan bahkan senjataku untuk hancurkan tipu muslihat iblis. Trauma bukanlah sesuatu yang perlu kuhindari, tapi harus kuhadapi supaya ada kemuliaan Tuhan dinyatakan disana. Aku mau bertumbuh sesuai kasih karunia Tuhan, bahkan di antara semua luka dan trauma yang pernah kualami. I'm Yours Lord, let it be unto me according to Your love. 

Be it unto me

According to Your word

According to Your promises

I can stand secure

Carve upon my heart

The truth that sets me free

According to Your word O' Lord

Be it unto me

(Be it unto me, Don Moen)

*Thanks to ce Aixing yang support aku di masa2 gelapku ini, yang menyadarkanku akan karuniaku en kerinduan Tuhan untuk memakaiku lebih lagi.  

HAVE A LITTLE FAITH (MITCH ALBOM)

 

1. This is a story about believing in something and the two very different men who taught me how. It took a long time to write. It took me to churches and synagogues, to the suburbs and the city, to the “us” versus “them” that divides faith around the world. And finally, it took me home, to a sanctuary filled with people, to a casket made of pine, to a pulpit that was empty. In the beginning, there was a question. It became a last request.  “Will you do my eulogy?“ And, as is often the case with faith, I thought I was being asked a favor, when in fact I was being given one.

2. Adam hid in the Garden of Eden. Moses tried to substitute his brother. Jonah jumped a boat and was swallowed by a whale. Man likes to run from God. It’s a tradition. But I was headed in the other direction.

3. “My thoughts are not your thoughts. Neither are your ways my ways. For as the heavens are higher than the earth. So are my ways higher than your ways. And my thoughts higher than your thoughts”.

4. A: Do you believe in God?

B: “Yes, I do.”

A: Do you ever speak to God?

B: “On a regular basis.”

A: What do you say?

B: “These days?” He sighed, then half-sang his answer. “These days I say, ‘God, I know I’m going to see You soon. And we’ll have some nice conversations. But meanwhile, God, if you’re gonna taaake me, take me already. And if You’re gonna leee-ave me here’”—he opened his hands and looked to the ceiling—“‘maybe give me the strength to do what should be done.’”

5.  I had dreams of traveling, making foreign friends in foreign cities. I had heard the phrase “citizen of the world.” I wanted to be one.

6. Personally, I preferred the cramped brick building of my youth, where you smelled kitchen aromas when you walked in the back door. I knew every inch of that place. Even the mop closet, where we used to hide as kids. Where I once hid from the Reb. But what stays the same in life?

7. "Well, hellooo, Mitchell. It’s so nice to have you back where you belong…”

8. I meant no disrespect. It’s just that I had always felt that rabbis, priests, pastors, any cleric, really, lived on a plane between mortal ground and heavenly sky. God up there. Us down here. Them in between.

9. I scribbled a note. The most inspirational man I knew only reached his potential by helping a child reach his.

10. “When that time comes,” he said, “I think you’ll know what to say”.

11. “Mitch,” he said, “faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe”.

12.  Now, the Reb didn’t merely practice his rituals; he carved his daily life from them. If he wasn’t praying, he was studying—a major part of his faith—or doing charity or visiting the sick. It made for a more predictable life, perhaps even a dull one by American standards. After all, we are conditioned to reject the “same old routine.” We’re supposed to keep things new, fresh. The Reb wasn’t into fresh.

13. But there was something calming about his pious life, the way he puttered from one custom to the next; the way certain hours held certain acts; the way every autumn he built a sukkah hut with its roof open to the stars; the way every week he embraced the Sabbath, breaking the world down to six days and one day, six days and one.

14. As we walked to the front door that day, I felt a wave of guilt. I’d once had rituals; I’d ignored them for decades. These days, I didn’t do a single thing that tied me to my faith. Oh, I had an exciting life. Traveled a lot. Met interesting people. But my daily routines—work out, scan the news, check email—were self-serving, not roped to tradition. To what was I connected? A favorite TV show? The morning paper? My work demanded flexibility. Ritual was the opposite.

15. I still didn’t get it. I was one of those disappointing congregants. Why had he l chosen me to be part of his death, when I had probably let him down in life? One more question, I said. 

A: How do you not get cynical?

B: “There is no room for cynicism in this line of work”.

A: But people are so flawed. They ignore ritual, they ignore faith—they even ignore you. Don’t you get tired of trying?

B: “Mitch, that’s what faith is. If they spit in your face, you say it must be raining. But you still come back tomorrow”.

16. A: “When we spoke a few weeks ago, I asked you what you thought about your parents. Do you remember?”

B: Sort of, I say.

A: “I asked if you felt they were perfect, or if they needed improvement. And do you remember what you said?”

I freeze.

A: “You said they weren’t perfect, but…”

He nods at me. Go ahead. Speak. 

B: But they don’t need improvement? I say.

B: “But they don’t need improvement. This is very insightful. Do you know why?”

A: No, I say.

B: “Because it means you are willing to accept people as they are. Nobody is perfect. Not even Mom and Dad. That’s okay”.

17. But I felt a need to keep visiting, to ensure that my words would still reflect who he was. And, okay. There was more. He had stirred up something in me that had been dormant for a long time. He was always celebrating what he called “our beautiful faith.” When others said such things, I felt uneasy, not wanting to be lumped in with any group that closely. But seeing him so—what’s the word?—joyous, I guess, at his age, was appealing. Maybe the faith didn’t mean that much to me, but it did to him, you could see how it put him at peace. I didn’t know many people at peace.

18. So I kept coming. We talked. We laughed. We read through his old sermons and discussed their relevance. I found I could share almost anything with Reb. He had a way of looking you in the eye and making you feel the world had stopped and you were all that was in it. Maybe this was his gift to the job. Or maybe it was the job’s gift to him.

19. The Reb—who often said “ego” was the biggest threat to a clergyman—held no such envy for where he’d once been. Upon retirement, he voluntarily moved out of his large office and into a smaller one. And one Sabbath morning, he left his favorite chair on the dais and took a.seat beside his wife in the back row of the sanctuary. The congregation was stunned.

20. "We were part of each other’s lives. If someone was about to slip, someone else could catch him. That’s the critical idea behind a congregation. We call it a Kehillah Kedoshah—a sacred community. We’re losing that now. The suburbs have changed things. Everyone has a car. Everyone has a million things scheduled. How can you look out for your neighbor? You’re lucky to get a family to sit down for a meal together”.

21. The Reb didn’t do short. He didn’t do email. “In an email, how can I tell if something is wrong?” he said. “They can write anything. I want to see them. If not, I want to hear them. If I can’t see them or hear them, how can I help them?”

22. A: How do you know God exists?

B:  “First, make the case against Him”.

23. “When you come to the end, that’s where God begins”.

24. My friends, if we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love and behave in line with our faith, our lives will not be cursed with the aching throb of unfulfilled business. Our words will always be sincere, our embraces will be tight. We will never wallow in the agony of ‘I could have, I should have.’ We can sleep in a storm. And when it’s time, our good-byes will be complete.

25. I knew depression was real, and in many cases required medical attention. I also knew we overused the word. Much of what we called “depression” was really dissatisfaction, a result of setting a bar impossibly high or expecting treasures that we weren’t willing to work for. I knew people whose unbearable source of misery was their weight, their baldness, their lack of advancement in a workplace, or their inability to find the perfect mate, even if they themselves did not behave like one. To these people, unhappiness was a condition, an intolerable state of affairs. If pills could help, pills were taken. But pills were not going to change the fundamental problem in the construction. Wanting what you can’t have. Looking for self-worth in the mirror. Layering work on top of work and still wondering why you weren’t satisfied—before working some more.

26. The Reb never popped a pill for his peace of mind. He loved to smile. He avoided anger. He was never haunted by “Why am I here?” He knew why he was here, he said: to give to others, to celebrate God, and to enjoy and honor the world he was put in. His morning prayers began with “Thank you, Lord, for returning my soul to me”. When you start that way, the rest of the day is a bonus.

27. A: What makes a man happy? 

B: “Be satisfied. Be grateful. For what you have. For the love you receive. And for what God has given you”.

28. God and the decision He renders is correct. God doesn’t punish anyone out of the blue. God knows what He is doing.

29. “I have what I need,” he said, surveying his messy shelves. “Why bother chasing more?”

30. What profits a man if he gains the whole world, but loses his soul?

31. Getting old, we can deal with. Being old is the problem.

32. What do you do when death’s natural pecking order puts you in the front of the line, when you no longer can hide behind “It’s not my turn?“

33. A: What do people fear most about death?

B: Fear? Well, for one thing, what happens next? Where do we go? Is it what we imagined?

A: That’s big

B: Yes. But there’s something else. Being forgotten.

34. The second death. To think that you died and no one would remember you. I wondered if this was why we tried so hard to make our mark in America. To be known. Names quickly blur and in time are forgotten.

35. A: How then, can you avoid the second death?

B: In the short run, the answer is simple. Family. It is through my family that I hope to live on for a few generations. When they remember me, I live on. When they pray for me, I live on. All the memories we have made, the laughs and the tears.

36. This is why, faith is so important. It is a rope for us all to grab, up and down the mountain. I may not be remembered in so many years. But what I believe and have taught—about God, about our tradition—that can go on. It comes from my parents and their parents before them. And if it stretches to my grandchildren and to their grandchildren, then we are all, connected.

37. Jesus said, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself”. God don’t care about nobuilding. He cares about you, and what’s in your heart.

38. A: Can you predict which marriages will survive?

B: Sometimes. If they’re communicating well, they have a good chance. If they have a similar belief system, similar values, they have a good chance

A: What about love?

B: Love they should always have. But love changes. Love—the infatuation kind—‘he’s so handsome, she’s so beautiful’—that can shrivel. As soon as something goes wrong, that kind of love can fly out the window. On the other hand, a true love can enrich itself. It gets tested and grows stronger. 

39. When she says, ‘How can you ask if I love you? Look at all I’ve done with you. What else would you call it?’ That kind of love—the kind you realize you already have by the life you’ve created together—that’s the kind that lasts.

40. Remember, the only difference between ‘marital’ and ‘martial’ is where you put the ‘i.’

41. “I think people expect too much from marriage today,” he said. “They expect perfection. Every moment should be bliss. That’s TV or movies. But that is not the human experience. Like Sarah says, twenty good minutes here, forty good minutes there, it adds up to something beautiful. The trick is when things aren’t so great, you don’t junk the whole thing. It’s okay to have an argument. It’s okay that the other one nudges you a little, bothers you a little. It’s part of being close to someone“.

42. A: But the joy you get from that same closeness—when you watch your children, when you wake up and smile at each other—that, as our tradition teaches us, is a blessing. People forget that

B: Why do they forget it?

A: Because the word ‘commitment’ has lost its meaning. I’m old enough to remember when it used to be a positive. A committed person was someone to be admired. He was loyal and.steady. Now a commitment is something you avoid. You don’t want to tie yourself down. It’s the same with faith, by the way. We don’t want to get stuck having to go to services all the time, or having to follow all the rules. We don’t want to commit to God. We’ll take Him when we need Him, or when things are going good. But real commitment? That requires staying power—in faith and in marriage

B: And if you don’t commit?

A: Your choice. But you miss what’s on the other side

B: What’s on the other side?

A: Ah. A happiness you cannot find alone.

43. I don’t care if you’re drunk, or you just left the drug house, I don’t care. When I’m sick, I go to the emergency room. And if the problem continues, I go again. So whatever’s ailing you, let this church be your emergency room. Until you get the healing, don’t stop coming.

44. Our faith tells us to do charitable acts  and to aid the poor in our community. That is being righteous, no matter who you help.

45. Soon we had tumbled into a most fundamental debate. How can different religions coexist? If one faith believes one thing, and another believes something else, how can they both be correct? And does one religion have the right—or even the obligation—to try to convert the other?

46. A: How can you—a cleric—be so open-minded?

B: Look. I know what I believe. It’s in my soul. But I constantly tell our people: you should be convinced of the authenticity of what you have, but you must also be humble enough to say that we don’t know everything. And since we don’t know everything, we must accept that another person may believe something else. I’m not being original here, Mitch. Most religions  teach us to love our neighbor.

47. You can touch everything and be connected to nothing. I knew airports better than I knew local neighborhoods. I knew more names in other area codes than I did on my block. The “community” I had joined was the community of the workplace. Friends were through work. Conversation was about work. Most of my socialization came through work.

48. And without the work connection, the human ties released, like magnets losing their attraction. We promised to keep up, but the promises were not kept. Some people behaved as if unemployment were contagious. Anyhow, without the commonality of work—the complaints, the gossip—how much was there to talk about?

49. I thought about my connections in life. I thought about workplace friends who were fired, or had quit due to illness. Who comforted them? Where did they go? Not to me. Not to their former bosses. Often, it seemed, they were helped by their churches or temples. Members took up collections. They cooked meals. They gave money to pay bills. They did it with love, empathy, and the knowledge that it was part of the supportive undercarriage of a “sacred community,” like the ones the Reb spoke about, like the one I guess I had once belonged to, even if I didn’t realize it.

50. What do you do when you lose a loved one too quickly? When you have no time to prepare before, suddenly, that soul is gone?

51. A: Did you feel guilty cursing God—you, of all people?

B: No, because even in doing so, I was recognizing there was a greater power than me. And that is how I began to heal.

52. My friends, when sometimes we are asked why does someone perish, someone so young in age, I can only fall back on the wisdom of our tradition. It is true that David did not live long for his day. But while he lived, David taught, inspired, and left us a great spiritual legacy, including the Book of Psalms. One of those Psalms, the twenty-third, is read sometimes at funerals. 

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: 

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul…"

53. It’s amazing how folks can’t see you, ’cause they want to keep you in that past. Some of our greatest problems in ministering to people is that they knew us back before we came to the Lord—The same thing with Paul… They saw him… They couldn’t believe that this man’s from Jesus, because they looked at his past—They just looked at his past. And when we’re still looking at ourselves through our past, we’re not seeing what God has done. What He can do! We’re notseeing the little things that happen in our lives—

54. You knew me. You knew that person, but you don’t know the person that I’m trying to become.

55. When you give, you get.

56. I assumed a Man of God had no choice. His religion obliged him toward what Lincoln called “the better angels of our nature”. On the other hand, Napoleon once dismissed religion as “what keeps the poor from murdering the rich”. Meaning, without the fear of God—or literally the hell we might have to pay—the rest of us would just take what we wanted.

57. A: Do you think it’s true, that our nature is evil?

B: No. I believe there is goodness in man

A: So we do have better angels?

B: Deep down, yes

A: Then why do we do so many bad things?

B: Because one thing God gave us—and I’m afraid it’s at times a little too much—is free will. Freedom to choose. I believe He gave us everything needed to build a beautiful world, if we choose wisely

A: But we can also choose badly. And we can mess things up something awful

A: Can man change between good and evil?

B: In both directions.

58. From the beginning, God said, ‘I’m gonna put this world into your hands. If I run.everything, then that’s not you.’ So we were created with a piece of divinity inside us, but with this thing called free will, and I think God watches us every day, lovingly, praying we will make the right choices.

59. The story of my recent life. I like that phrase. It makes more sense than the story of my life, because we get so many lives between birth and death. A life to be a child. A life to come of age. A life to wander, to settle, to fall in love, to parent, to test our promise, to realize our mortality—and, in some lucky cases, to do something after that realization.

60. It’s not me against the other guy. It’s God measuring you against you. Maybe all you get are chances to do good, and what little bad you do ain’t much bad at all. But because God has put you in the position where you can always do good, when you do something bad—it’s like you let God down. And maybe people who only get chances to do bad, always around bad things, like us, when they finally make something good out of it, God’s happy.

61. If you could pack for heaven, this was how you’d do it, touching everything, taking nothing.

62. A: Mitch, it does no good to be angry or carry grudges. It churns you up inside. It does you more harm than the object of your anger

B: So let it go?

A: Or don’t let it get started in the first place. You know what I found over the years? When I had a disagreement with someone, and they came to talk to me, I always.began by saying, ‘I’ve thought about it. And in some ways maybe you’re right’. Now, I didn’t always believe that. But it made things easier. Right from the start, they relaxed. A negotiation could take place. I took a volatile situation and, what’s the word…?

B: Defused it?

A: Defused it. We need to do that. Especially with family.

63. You know, in our tradition, we ask forgiveness from everyone—even casual acquaintances. But with those we are closest with wives, children, parents—we too often let things linger. Don’t wait, Mitch. It’s such a waste.

64. Nothing haunts like the things we don’t say.

65. "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh" (Ezekiel 36:26).

66. I thought about how churches and synagogues usually build memberships. Some run schools. Some host social events. Some offer singles nights, lecture series, carnivals, and sign-up drives. Annual dues are part of the equation. At I Am My Brother’s Keeper, there were no dues, no drives, no singles nights. Membership grew the old-fashioned way: a desperate need for God.

67. I’m where I’m supposed to be.

68. A: I sermonize about wanting cherries when you’re planting lemons, but I’ve planted many lemons in my life...and I may not have reaped all that harvest

B: I don’t understand. If you think you’re going to be punished—

A: Why still serve God? What else can I do? It’s like when everyone was turning away, and Jesus asked the apostles, ‘Will you go, too?’ And Peter said, ‘Where can I go, Lord?’ I know what he meant. Where do you go from God? He’s everywhere.

69. You can’t work your way into heaven. Anytime you try and justify yourself with works, you disqualify yourself with works. What I do here, every day, for the rest of my life, is only my way of saying, ‘Lord, regardless of what eternity holds for me, let me give something back to You. I know it don’t even no scorecard. But let me make something of my life before I go…And then, Lord, I’m at Your mercy.’

70. I realized something as I drove home that night: that I am neither better nor smarter, only luckier. And I should be ashamed of thinking I knew everything, because you can know the whole world and still feel lost in it. So many people are in pain—no matter how smart or accomplished—they cry, they yearn, they hurt. But instead of looking down on things, they look up, which is where I should have been looking, too. Because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things: comfort, love, and a peaceful heart.

71. Scripture says, “Judge not.” But God had the right to, and Henry lived with that every day. It was enough.

72. Henry was right. At that moment, it didn’t matter what name you used. God is good.

NO COMPROMISE

Beberapa waktu lalu ngobrol ama salah 1 temen yang pacaran ama cowok ateis yang kaya raya. Aku tau kalo temenku ini beberapa taon lalu putus ama mantannya karena si mantan ga bisa beliin rumah kalo mereka nikah (syarat mamanya temenku adalah cowok kudu bisa beli rumah sendiri supaya minim konflik ama mertua). Jujur aja, aku ngerasa kalo hubungan temenku ama pacarnya yang sekarang ini belom tentu isa berjalan dengan baik, boro2 sesuai dengan kehendak Tuhan, karena cowoknya hanya punya duid. 

Background cowoknya ini dulunya miskin, sehingga ga bisa sekolah (ga tamat SD), dia ga kenal Tuhan, ga bisa bersikap tegas sehingga selalu dimanfaatkan oleh pegawainya soal duid. Aku bilang ke temenku bahwa menikah itu ga cuma perkara duid en rumah, tapi juga prinsip en karakter, terutama karena dia pengen anak2nya nanti diajar kenal Tuhan sejak dini. Aku bilang kalo cowok yang ga kenal Tuhan itu bakal bikin pusing ke depannya, karena kita ga bisa harapkan dia bertindak sesuai prinsip2 kebenaran.

Singkat cerita, kata2ku itu bikin temenku ga enak ati en dia bilang ke ketua komsel kami, "Aku ga mau punya standar ketinggian kayak ce Lucy", yang cuma bikin aku ketawa. Aku punya standar tinggi karena tau diriku layak dapet pria terbaik, bukan hanya sekedar pria yang kaya harta. Dan ya udah lah, aku membiarkan temenku ini dengan pilihannya, toh dia udah tau ada temen kami yang nikah ama cowok kaya tapi ga punya prinsip en ketegasan, sehingga hidupnya menderita.

Trus ada 1 temen komsel yang cerita kalo dia selalu pacaran sama cowok dari agam seberang, karena keluarganya juga beda agama, jadi menurutnya it's not a big deal sekalipun dia paham betul kalo terang ga bisa bersatu ama gelap. Dia bahkan sempet sharing di komsel kalo dia ga mau ditegur soal itu, yang menurutku itulah yang bikin hidupnya selalu berantakan. Dia pacaran ama cowok beda agama karena cowok2 itu ngasi dia fasilitas en kemewahan. Aku ga abis pikir kenapa dia merendahkan dirinya untuk hal2 ga kekal, padahal Dia tau Tuhannya sanggup pelihara hidupnya. 

Tiba2 aku inget ama mantan ketua CGku jaman remaja, yang mirip banget wajahnya ama temen komsel yang selalu pacaran beda agama. Ketua CGku ini dari keluarga beragama seberang, dulunya rajin ke gereja en pelayanan, tapi ga bener2 hidup dalam kebenaran, trus entah gimana akhirnya dia kembali ke agama lamanya. Aku menyadari bahwa kompromi sedikit, "it's not a big deal" soal beda agama, itu menyebabkan kejatuhan fatal. 

Dari banyak kejadian yang ada di sekitarku, aku semakin menyadari bahwa kompromi itu menghancurkan hidup kita, baik dalam aspek pasangan hidup, cara beribadah, pekerjaan, maupun kehidupan secara menyeluruh. Hal2 kecil yang salah yang kita biarkan tinggal, akan memporak-porandakan kehidupan yang kita bangun bertaon2 dengan kerja keras. Ibarat setetes air yang terus membasahi sebongkah batu, lama2 batu itu akan berlubang juga. Demikian juga kompromi akan berdampak negatif ke kehidupan kita. 

Aku tau mereka ga sempurna, begitupun juga aku. Namun yang membedakan adalah, kesadaran untuk tidak kompromi. Aku tau diriku dikenal sebagai orang yang tegas, yang pegang teguh prinsip "sekali nggak, tetep nggak" dalam banyak hal, karena aku ga mau semua hal baik yang kubangun itu runtuh gara2 kompromi. Aku tau hidup ini panjang, ada kesempatan untuk bertobat, tapi aku ga mau biarkan diriku menyesal karena kebodohan yang sudah kutahu. Lebih baik aku terus berjuang bangun kehidupan yang baik dengan prinsip2 firman Tuhan, daripada kompromi dalam hal2 kecil yang bisa menyengsarakan hidupku. 

Aku percaya kalo aku hidup dalam kebenaran, Tuhan ga akan tinggal diam. Dia sanggup berikan jodoh terbaik, kehidupan terbaik versi-Nya bagiku. Aku ga perlu ngoyo dengan kompromi kanan kiri untuk dapetin sesuatu yang ke depannya akan kusesali. Aku yakin bahwa hidup dalam kebenaran itu akan menghasilkan buah2 kekekalan, sekalipun ga instan seperti mereka2 yang kompromi. 

LIL ESCAPE

Minggu lalu aku travelling ke Dieng, Jawa Tengah yang lagi ngehits. Ekspektasiku luar biasa, eh ternyata harus terhempas dengan begitu menyakitkan wkwkwkwk. Aku ga paham apa yang bikin Dieng ngehits banget, padahal view-nya biasa aja menurutku. Ga worth it ama perjalanannya yang bikin encok en kaki kram itu. 

Aku berangkat dari Surabaya Jumat jam 7 malem en baru nyampe di lokasi pertama jam 6an. Gagal total mau liat sunrise karena udah terlalu siang en kabut tebel turun. Batu Angkruk ini tempat wisata buatan dengan view pegunungan yang berkabut, beberapa jenis bunganya palsu, tapi yang nice tuh disini dikasi karpet hijau, jadi mempermudah kaki buat jalan sekalipun embun masih basah. Disini ada jembatan kaca yang jadi spot foto cantik yang deket banget ama gunungnya. Sayang banget waktu giliranku foto, kabut tebel turun wkwkwkwk.

Kita sarapan di salah satu depot, taste makanannya biasa, mana perutku sakit (mungkin karena cuaca dingin sekitar 14 derajat). Jadi aku ga menikmati sarapannya sama sekali, cuma sekadar buat ganjal perut aja. Abis gitu sempet telpon salah 1 temen yang kabarnya hanimun di Dieng, ternyata itu tipuan wkwkwk. Tapi aku jadi tau kalo tempat wisata di Dieng cuma itu2 aja: Bukit Sikunir (katanya sih ini spot terbaik buat nikmati sunrise, tapi tourku ga kesitu), Kawah Sikidang, Bukit Ratapan Angin, ama Candi Arjuna. Ya udahlah, sebodo amat, toh trip kali ini sebenernya bukan aku yang pengen tapi temenku. En aku kemakan hoaks yang bilang Dieng itu indah wkwkwkwk. 

Destinasi selanjutnya adalah Kawah Sikidang. Disini panas banget tapi anginnya kenceng, plus bau belerang yang menyengat (tapi ga menyesakkan dada kayak di Kawah Ijen sih ya). Tempat ini mayan oke buat foto2 karena awannya kliatan cantik banget, tapi kalo kabut turun ya kudu bersabar. Disini nice juga karena udah dibuatkan jembatan sehingga ga perlu bersusah payah jalan di antara bebatuan ato belerang. Trus ada bunga2 cantik juga en ada pasar buat belanja oleh2. Btw, pasarnya panjang banget gilaa, sampe bete karena kaki pegel kok ga keliatan pintu keluarnya dimana wkwkwk. FYI, kalo mau ke tempat ini better pagi sih sebelom padet merayap. 

Waktu berburu oleh2, jujur aja aku cukup bingung karena oleh2 khas Dieng itu carica (pepaya kecil), secara aku ga doyan pepaya. Tapi ternyata carica-nya udah diolah jadi semacem manisan gitu, trus ada opak Dieng (taste-nya kayak keripik slondok), kentang kecil2, ama cabe Dieng yang katanya pedesss banget. Trus yang bikin temenku ga kelar muteri pasar adalah banyak tanaman cakep, entah bunga maupun sukulen. Kayaknya ini yang mayan menarik sih, Dieng jadi cakep karena banyak bunga tumbuh disini. Mungkin emang udaranya yang dingin cocok buat bunga2 itu bertumbuh dengan lebat ya. 

Trus kami ke Bukit Ratapan Angin. Disini ada view Telaga Warna yang airnya hijau. Jalannya dibuat undak2an berbatu gitu, mayan ngos2an juga karena jalannya naik terus. Tapi bener2 patut diacungi jempol sih, jadi trip kali ini sama sekali ga ada trekking yang bikin kepleset atopun kaki kesandung batu sampe berdarah2 wkwkwk. Ada beberapa jembatan yang dibuat sampai ketinggian tertentu, buat spot foto. Makin atas makin cakep view Telaga ama awannya. 

Trus kami diajak lunch makanan khas Dieng, namanya Mie Ongklok. Seporsi harganya sekitar 20K (tergantung mau pake sate ayam, daging, ato kambing). Bayanganku tuh senikmat Lomie, apalagi terpampang ingredients-nya di tembok,  eh lagi2 aku kecewa. Taste-nya kurang mantep, untungnya bumbu satenya mayan berasa. Mana porsinya kecil, antri lama banget en depotnya jorok pula, aku jadi males pesen lagi. Akhirnya melipir ke bapack2 yang jualan kue sagon di deket tempat parkir, en makan 1 buah baru perut ini terpuaskan

Abis gitu kami ke Candi Arjuna, jujur sih aku sama sekali ga tertarik masuk en udah kecapekan. Jadi aku en temenku cuma keliling liat2 toko2 yang jual oleh2 di deket pintu masuk, en temenku beli kentang merah ama cabe Dieng. Kami cuma motret bunga dari luar pagar candi hahaha. Candi Arjuna ini selalu jadi tempat ritual kalo ada anak gimbal (keturunan raja) yang potong rambut. Trus jazz festival juga selalu diselenggarakan disini. Puji Tuhan, setelah kami masuk elf, ujan deres turun. Tuhan itu bener2 baik en tepat waktu. Jadi seharian ga keujanan blas, haleluyaaa... 

Setelah itu kami diajak ke tempat oleh2, tempatnya ga meyakinkan en banyak yang ga ada label harganya. Aku jadi ragu buat beli tapi akhirnya nyobain keripik slondok, keripik carica, ama kue sagon kering. Ternyata semuanya enakkkk, nyesel ga bisa beli agak banyak karena keterbatasan space. 

Kalo dibilang Dieng itu buagusss, aku kurang setuju sih ahahaha. Cukup jadi checklist aja, ga worth it buat dikunjungi lagi. Cuma emang udaranya menyenangkan sekali karena sejuk, awannya kliatan cantik, bunga2 bertebaran di sepanjang jalan, en view bukit serta gunungnya mayan buat refreshing mata sejenak. Thanks my traveling partner yang udah ngajakkin kesini.

久违的姐妹聚会 (SISTER'S REUNION AFTER A VERY LONG TIME)

Dari awal September, salah satu my bestie yang tinggal di Aussie ngabari kalo dia bakal pulang Surabaya sejenak. Waktu itu dia harus nemeni papinya di Kuala Lumpur karena dideteksi ada kanker ginjal. Aku shock dengan kondisi itu, tapi bersyukur karena dia memutuskan buat pulang Indo after 5,5 years. Syukurlah, Tuhan kasi mujizat sehingga kanker papinya hilang begitu aja, sampe dokter pun bingung.

Setelah hampir 1 bulan di KL, akhirnya dia pulang Surabaya. Ketemuan kami sempet tertunda karena kesibukan kerjaku, ditambah kudu stock opname di akhir September en awal Oktober. Puji Tuhan, walopun udah lama pol ga ketemu, tapi kami masih bisa ngobrol ngalor ngidul, cerita berbagai pengalaman hidup, suka duka, en pergumulan yang kami hadapi. Aku bersyukur pol buat bestie 1 ini karena walopun dia udah belasan taon tinggal di Aussie, udah sukses sampai bisa beli apartment en rumah, dia tetep humble en apa adanya.

Dari sharingnya dia, aku menyadari bahwa she's also an ordinary woman, yang bergumul soal adik bungsunya yang kelakuannya masih ugal2an (ga beda jauh ama adikku), yang selalu kudu buka suara baru ada perubahan di keluarganya, yang masih diomeli perkara2 sepele ama ortu padahal kita udah bukan anak kecil lagi. Selama ini aku ngeliat hidupnya jauhhh lebih baik, lebih nyaman, lebih diberkati daripada aku, but I was wrong. Kami berada di ujian yang hampir sama, walopun dengan kasus en level yang berbeda. That's why kami masih bisa connect satu sama lain, karena saling memahami apa yang jadi pergumulan en beban doa masing2. 

Kalo menoleh ke belakang, di saat pertama kali kami kenal di taon 2006, bener2 ga nyangka kalo persahabatan kami bisa bertahan sampai hari ini dimana lebih banyak LDR ketimbang ketemunya. Tuhan ga pernah salah menempatkan dia di hidupku, Tuhan kasi aku kesempatan untuk ngajak dia ke gereja, en aku banyak belajar dari kesederhanaan serta kerendahan hatinya. Thanks Oray for our friendship, love you 😍

MENDADAK KRIWUL

Dari taon lalu waktu resign dari kerja kantoran, aku pengen nyoba ngeriting rambut, tapi karena kasus corona meningkat, niat itu batal. Ga berani keluar kemana2, boro2 ke salon buat ngeriting rambut. Ahahaha. Safety first lah waktu itu. 

Taon ini, setelah semua waktu abis buat kerja en ngurus mama pasca operasi, aku pengen self reward lah ya. Akhirnya Agustus kemaren aku nyempetin waktu buat ngeriting rambut di salon deket rumah. Aku berharap dengan ngeriting rambut, hidupku jadi lebih simple, ga perlu ribet ngurusi rambut, begitu bangun udah cakep, kayak waktu sulam alis. 

Proses pengeritingan makan waktu hampir 2 jam, en aku happy banget ama hasilnya. Beberapa kali pengen ngeriting rambut en ga kesampaian karena pihak salon bilang rambutku terlalu lurus sehingga kemungkinan gagal tuh besar, kalopun berhasil paling ga bertahan lama. Tapi ayi salon di deket rumah bilang, semua tergantung perawatan, kalo rajin ngerawat bisa awet sampai 6 bulan. Kalo ga rajin ngerawat, paling cuma bertahan 3 bulan aja. Aku mikir, gpp lah, toh aku cuma kepengen alay sejenak ahahaha. 

Siapa sangka, ngeriting rambut malah bikin idupku lebih ribet 😅 Karena nih rambut kalo ga diapa2in bakal mekar kayak Moana, trus gampang berantakan kalo diterpa angin. Jadi tiap pagi kudu telaten buat nyatok rambut supaya cetar mempesona. Dan ada kalanya rambut ini udah ditata baik2, eh langsung berantakan ketika nyampe kantor, dan ujung2nya aku kudu muter2in rambut pake jari biar rapi lagi. 

Jujur, 2 minggu pertama ngerasa ya ampun, kok malah ribet yak, rada nyesel juga alay gini wkwkwkw. Tapi setelah beberapa kali ktemu temen, dikomeni bagus, foto bareng, en aku liat rambutku jadi bervolume, aku jadi super happy. Apalagi ketika travelling, rambut ini bikin tampilanku jadi lebih fresh& oke. Kesimpulannya, gpp alay sekali2, toh alay yang ini emang worth it. 

I WANT TO DIE BUT I WANT TO EAT TTEOKBOKKI PART 2 (BAEK SE HEE)

NINE: OBSESSION WITH APPEARANCES AND HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

1. Have you heard of histrionic personality disorder? (A personality disorder where one exaggerates their expressions of emotion in order to draw attention to themselves). I think you have a bit of a tendency towards it. You seek to be the centre of attention everywhere you go. There are usually two ways it manifests. One type might, in order to be more attractive, wear more revealing clothing or build muscle. The other, if they fail to be the centre of attention, tends to assume it’s because people hate them and they berate themselves for it. The fact that you’re aware of it suggests you’re also aware that there’s a lot of attention being paid to you. Most people don’t realise it.

2. Isn’t this something you’ve heard a lot before? Something rather familiar at this point? Your black-and-white extremism. Everyone wants to be a star. Although there are occasionally people who want to play the supporting role. But the way you think leaves room only for the stars and the extras. The second you are not a star—You think you’ll be forgotten, and no one will know who you are. Well, it’s hard to say it was one thing. Your perspective of yourself is so narrow and self-critical that you’re unable to see things from a wider perspective, and so you goad yourself into choosing just one angle, which is the easiest way out.

3. However, you do have a fear of being pushed out of the spotlight. Being pushed out is fine, one can be a step or even two steps away from the spotlight, but you interpret any attempt to take the spotlight away from you as a large cane hooking you by the waist and dragging you off the stage. I think your fears are disproportionately large compared to the actual danger. It’s a form of obsession.

4. You only have a fear of being pushed out. We don’t all wear pretty clothes every single day. Sometimes you’ll leave the house with your hair a mess if you’re just popping into the corner store. Some days you’ll look pretty, and others you won’t. It’s a situation that can always change, so you don’t have to keep thinking, What are people going to say about me, what are they going to think?Sometimes, you will disappoint people. You might think, Aren’t they interested in me anymore? Have their feelings changed? But that shouldn’t automatically make you think, They hate me, I’m hideous.

5. Me:I want to love my own face, but I like other faces so much that I can’t look pretty to myself. Sometimes I think I look pretty, but when people tell me I look pretty, I never agree with them.

Psychiatrist: The thing is, the people whose faces you like are probably beautiful, and the faces you don’t like can be beautiful, too.

Me: So this is just me being extreme again.

Psychiatrist: It’s your taste. The important thing is, you brought up the issue. The fact that you brought it up on your own is a significant act of courage, and now you can process it better. Fear increases when it’s something that you keep to yourself. Instead of suffering alone, it can often be good to share it with someone else, like you’re doing now.

A lot of people with histrionic personality disorder suffer from body dysmorphia. They keep thinking there’s a problem with their looks. For example, that their reflections make them look twisted or crumpled.

6. Even if I were fat or ugly, I want to acknowledge and love myself. But society teaches us to judge each other’s weight, and my father and older sister would praise me whenever I happened to lose a few pounds. I don’t think I look healthier or feel better when I’m thinner, but I do think I have more confidence. I thought about whether this confidence was because I believed being thin might lead to better health, but I don’t think that’s it; it’s because I feel more in control. I hate thinking I’m getting ugly, or not wearing what I want. Which is why I become obsessed with my weight. The social gaze is so insidious, and despite any escape being impossible, I want to escape it. But I don’t want to deliberately become fat, either.

TEN: WHY DO YOU LIKE ME? WILL YOU STILL LIKE ME IF I DO THIS? OR THIS?

1. You might have a warped perspective of love if you don’t love yourself. Yes, because you’ll begin to suspect the love you receive. For example, if you don’t like your looks but someone else gives you a compliment, you might think, Why is he doing that to me? Does he have bad intentions? On the other hand, if you are satisfied with your looks, you can simply accept the compliment as is. The important thing here isn’t whether you are being loved, it’s how you will accept the love that comes your way.

2. Your self-esteem determines how you feel about the sincerity of others. In truth, there really are no sure-fire ways to increase your self-esteem. But what you mentioned doing earlier, how it occurred to you that you would’ve reacted differently before to certain situations – an awareness of that is in itself a great start. Because being aware of something is a huge step in the right direction.

3. Extreme thinking can go in different directions. There are those who put themselves down all the time and those who puff themselves up all the time. If both of these people were searching for a middle ground, wouldn’t the person who puts themselves down be more likely to succeed than the person who loves themselves too much?

4.  A common symptom of delusions of grandeur is mania. It happens as a defence against very acute depression. They might seem their usual selves one day and then make you think, ‘This person is crazy!’ the next – usually that means it’s a manic episode. When schizophrenia progresses slowly, manic states begin popping up at random moments. A more serious manifestation of this results in claims like, ‘I am Jesus, I am Buddha.’ And sometimes they think someone is out to get them, and they go into hiding.

‘The important thing here isn’t whether you are being loved, it’s how you will accept the love that comes your way’.

5. I’ve come to an awareness of my black and-white worldview and I’m trying to change the direction of my thoughts. I still have the most extreme thoughts when it comes to the relationship that has the lion’s share of my fears–my romantic relationship–but I have hopes that I will improve.

ELEVEN: I DON’T LOOK PRETTY

1. Faking bad can be a function of cognitive distortion. To use your work as an example, it’s when you think your company can function perfectly well without you when you’re actually a crucial part of operations there. You become so immersed in bad feelings that they take over your mind.

2. I want you to try doing something you’ve never done before. I don’t think your current methods for getting away from depressive or empty thoughts are very effective. Maybe you need to do something more dramatic.

‘You’re overreacting, things are not that bad. But I just felt it was so unfair to be thinking that. I wanted to prove how bad things were’.

3. It’s impossible to fathom the sadness of those who are left behind, but if life gives one more suffering than death, shouldn’t we respect their right to end life? We are so bad at mourning in our society. Maybe it’s a failure of respect. Some call those who choose their own death sinners or failures or losers who give up. Is living until the end really a triumph in every case? As if there can be any true winning or losing in this game of life.

TWELVE: ROCK BOTTOM

1. Me: I'm depressed and drained. No motivation at work. I told them last week I was quitting. My boss asked me why, and I told her it was because of mental and physical reasons. I said I was getting treatment, and she understood. And she told me my quitting this way could increase my anxiety. And that I should take the next week off and we could talk about giving me more freedom in my role when I got back in November. And that if I still felt the same way, we could revisit the matter then.

Psychiatrist: How did that make you feel?

Me: So grateful that I almost cried. I worked there for four years without a break. You know the sense of stability a company can bring into your life (regular schedules, the salary and so on). I was afraid of leaving that stability behind, but tabling my resignation made me feel relieved. But I did think it was going to be temporary. My state of mind in the office is always the same. I’m so bored, and I feel like I’m just living from day to day. I don’t know how things got this way. It’s been like this for two months.

2. Binge eating. Biscuits and chocolates and alcohol. All the while stressing out at the prospect of gaining weight. That’s the only good thing in my life right now. The only moment where things feel calm. They try their best to tolerate me and be there for me, which makes me lean on them a lot.

3. Psychiatrist: Why did you choose to go alone on this trip?

Me: If I go with someone else, I have to compromise on the things we can do together, but I figured if I went alone, I would get to choose whatever I wanted to do.

Psychiatrist: I think it’s good to experience complete solitude in an unfamiliar environment. You’re not hitting rock bottom right now. When we’re sinking in water, it can be a relief to feel the ground beneath our feet, the rock bottom, because we know we can kick against it to rise again. But if you can’t feel the ground in life, the fear can be overwhelming. So maybe it’s good to find your rock bottom.

Me: What would that feel like for me?

Psychiatrist: It would be to feel an even bigger devastation and loneliness than you do now. 

4. I think what you’re describing is a bit different from regular depression. There’s a kind of ADHD that manifests in adults. The symptoms include feelings of emptiness, boredom and a decrease in concentration.

THIRTEEN: EPILOGUE: IT’S OKAY, THOSE WHO DON’T FACE DARKNESS CAN NEVER APPRECIATE THE LIGHT

1. I tended to discount anything positive that happened to fall into my hands. Even when I managed to accomplish something difficult, or when I wore a pretty dress, I would immediately decide my accomplishment was no big deal; the dress would lose its power. Nothing in my grasp seemed precious or beautiful. The problem is, of course, my self-esteem. I look down on myself so much that I try to gain self validation through the eyes of others. But because that’s not a validation that I am able to accept, there’s a limit to how satisfying it can be, and I become bored of it.

2. It was also revealed that the reason I am cruel to others is because I have low-self-esteem. Because I don’t love myself, I am unable to understand those who do love me in spite of it all, and so I test them. ‘You love me even when I do this? Or this? Or this?’ Even when the other person forgives me, I am unable to understand their forgiveness, and when they give up on me, I torture and console myself with the ‘fact’ that no one could ever love me. That goddamn self-esteem. I don’t want any more twisted relationships, and I’m tired of not being able to find satisfaction in the present and being obsessed with the past or having high expectations of new relationships.

What do I wish for? I want to love and be loved. Without suspicion, and with ease. 

3. Looking more closely at myself, there are parts that I’ve improved on. My depression has lessened a lot, and so has my anxiety over my relationships. But other problems have filled the cracks, and the culprit that thwarted every effort I made in exploring my problems in detail was my self-esteem. Because I still remain someone who is unable to love herself.

4. But as I had that thought, I had another: light and darkness are part of the same thing. Happiness and unhappiness alternate throughout life, as in a dance. So as long as I keep going and don’t give up, surely I will keep having moments of tears and laughter.

5. This book, therefore, ends not with answers but with a wish. I want to love and be loved. I want to find a way where I don’t hurt myself. I want to live a life where I say things are good more than things are bad. I want to keep failing and discovering new and better directions. I want to enjoy the tides of feeling in me as the rhythms of life. I want to be the kind of person who can walk inside the vast darkness and find the one fragment of sunlight I can linger in for a long time. Some day, I will.

FOURTEEN: PSYCHIATRIST’S NOTE: FROM ONE INCOMPLETENESS TO ANOTHER

1. Finding facts and information about the terms in this book–depression, anxiety, dysthymia and so on–isn’t too hard in today’s society. But for a patient to brave societal prejudices and reveal in such vivid detail all the experiences that led her to seek treatment and the difficult process of treatment itself–this is perhaps not something that is as easily googleable as the name of an antidepressant.

2. This is a record of a very ordinary, incomplete person who meets another very ordinary, incomplete person, the latter of whom happens to be a therapist. The therapist makes some mistakes and has a bit of room for improvement, but life has always been like that, which means everyone’s life–our readers included–has the potential to become better. 

3. To our readers, who are perhaps down and out from having experienced much devastation or are living day-to-day in barely contained anxiety: I hope you will listen to a certain overlooked and different voice within you. Because the human heart, even when it wants to die, quite often wants at the same time to eat some tteokbokki, too.

FIFTEEN: POSTSCRIPT: REFLECTIONS ON LIFE FOLLOWING THERAPY

1. THE POISON OF CHEER. Funnily enough, the most consoling words I’d ever heard were these: ‘Why are you trying to be brave? Why are you trying to be confident? Just go ahead and feel what you feel. Don’t cheer up!’

2. Sometimes, when someone tells me to ‘Cheer up’ when I’m going through a tough time, I just want to wring their neck. Just be there to hold my hand, be sad or angry with me, or if you’ve gone through something similar, tell me about it and say it will all pass eventually. That’s empathy and communication and a kind of consolation that enriches relationships.

3. Sometimes, this directive to cheer up and buck up is like poison that rots one’s soul. Note that the bestselling self-help books and essay collections of the past ten years aren’t about whipping yourself, they’re about healing and consolation. Being imperfect is all right and being awkward is okay. You don’t have to cheer up. I can do well today, or not. It’ll be an experience either way. And that’s fine.

4. TURNING MY GAZE. Whenever my self-consciousness hits overflow, or I feel weighed down by anxiety, sadness, irritation or fear, I think to myself: I have to turn my gaze. I think I’ve realised that this constant internal fighting is never going to make me feel better about myself. And how exhausting it is to have the whole world’s motivations and intentions bearing down on my shoulders!

5. So I turn my gaze. From despair to hope. From discomfort to comfort. From the majority to the minority. From the things that are useful but make me rust to the things that are useless but make me beautiful. Once I turn my gaze, I see the more interesting aspects of life. And my gaze guides my behaviour. And my behaviour changes my life. I realise that I can’t change all by myself; what makes me really change are the myriad things of the universe that my gaze happens to rest upon. Through turning my gaze, I learn that the low points of life can be filled with countless realisations.

6. A LIFE’S WORK. Words and behaviours are very different, and while hiding words is easy, hiding the behaviour that reaches out from one’s subconscious is impossible. Most people have trouble living a life where their words match their actions. No matter how much they read and try to remember, they always return to their old patterns. I admire those who realise their past mistakes and prove how they’ve changed through their behaviour.

7. Perhaps this is why we feel discomfort when reading the words of those who are always saying the right things. Because it’s so rare to see someone who walks the talk. The silly thing is, we feel uncomfortable even if we do find someone who walks the talk. We feel smaller next to them, afraid that they will see us for what we are and look down on us. Maybe this is why I feel more comfortable with people who are unpretentious and uncomplicated.

8. I simply must accept that I have room for improvement, and consider these moments as constant opportunities for self-reflection, to feel shame and joy at having learned something new and to keep inching towards change. I can’t suddenly become like the people I envy. That would be truly impossible. The only way for me to become a better person is to go my way little by little, as tedious as that can be. To delay my judgement, to not force myself, to accept the countless judgements and emotions that pass through me. Criticising myself isn’t going to make me a cleverer person suddenly.

I think I am learning how to accept life as it is. Accepting your burdens and putting them down isn’t an occasional posture; it’s something you need to practise for the rest of your life.

9. THE QUESTION OF LOVE. I seem to have made a lot of decisions based on love. There were moments where I would refrain from calculating the gains and losses and simply choose what my heart told me to. That’s how it is with the people I love. I love the light in their eyes, their passion and their courage in leaping into love. I’ve never loved anyone with half of my heart thinking, this is enough for me. As passive as I am, I share my everything. Perhaps I am bad at making detailed plans or am unable to imagine a neat future because of these tendencies.

10. Meeting someone who moves your heart, writing something until it moves the hearts of others, listening to music and watching movies that depict love–I want to always be motivated by love. If pure rationality keeps forcing itself into the spaces in between, I shall lose the shine and comfort of my life–which is why I want to be an emotionally bright person, even if it means becoming impoverished in terms of rationality

11. SOLITUDE IS A VERY SPECIAL PLACE. There are eyes on the walls. And inside the phones of strangers, on the partitions in offices, in the air that sweeps through the streets. Once solitude opens its eyes, the face of fear begins showing itself, and countless eyes blink in the dark as they scrutinise my words and expressions.

12. SUFFERING AND CONSOLATION. Ruminating on love, work or anything really, I often have thoughts like Ah, I was wrong about that, I should’ve known better, and this both pains and consoles me at the same time. I am pained by the thought that I could never go back and correct it, and consoled by the thought that I won’t make the same mistake again. 

It’s no use to hold on to the empty shell of a love that’s past, to try to win back a heart that will never return, or to let your regrets eat you up from the inside . . .

13. On those days, I read. Because there really is no torture greater than endlessly rambling on about unshakeable feelings for another person. That just results in cycles of meaningless emotional consumption, for myself and for whomever is listening. But books are different. I often look for books that are like medicine, that fit my situation and my thoughts, and I read them over and over again until the pages are tattered, underlining everything, and still the book will have something to give me. Books never tire of me. And in time they present a solution, quietly waiting until I am fully healed. That’s one of the nicest things about books.

14. A LIFE WITH NO MODIFIERS. Today I deleted my school and work information on Facebook, because I wanted to erase the modifiers that followed my name. Displaying my school and occupation gave me brief feelings of superiority, but they also made me feel insecure.

15.  I truly want to change how I am. And I believe I can change. Nowadays, I don’t know where my closest friends at work went to school. Nor do I feel like I want to know. I haven’t changed completely, but it’s happening little by little. I want to focus on the parts that are changing, and to keep hoping. Hoping there will come a day when we can all feel good about ourselves regardless of modifiers.

16. DREAM. I had a lingering dream set in the past. My mother and older sister were there. There were others, but I don’t remember them. I wanted to snap a photo of my mother as a young woman and lifted my camera, but she would not enter the frame. Because the past is past. Because we exist in a space only briefly, and then we disappear. We can’t even pin things down in a photo, I thought.

17. GRANDMOTHER. I remembered a conversation we had the other day. ‘Grandma, what was the happiest moment for you?’ And she answered that she was alone every day so how could she have a happy moment. I then asked, shyly, ‘Are you happy that I’m here then?’ ‘Absolutely, I’m very pleased’. ‘But not happy?’ I countered.

‘Being pleased is being happy’.

18. AUNT. Aunt Goara was our oasis. She understood us better than our own mother; she was a second mother to us. These memories made me think how the words ‘That person has changed’ are completely useless in some cases; it finally occurred to me that to expect someone to always be a certain way or consistently do a certain thing can be a huge burden on them.

19. When we lose our sense of hope in our own lives, we can also lose the many touchstones in our lives. We don’t want to do anything, be part of anything, or want to be with anyone. All of our desire for relationships disappears, and we become totally isolated.

20. Rebecca Solnit said in The Faraway Nearby that empathy is an act of imagination. If I don’t plant the seed in myself, it will never grow. Which is why some people never seem to understand the lives of others. But the only way to create something inside me that is not there to begin with is through imagination. You’ve got to learn how to empathise, to imagine.

21. MY DOGS, MY ALL. I feel too young to have seen the life and death of a living sentient being. All beginnings and endings feel so heavy to me. I am too much of a worrier to focus on the happiness of the moment. Even as I lie on the sofa surrounded by my three dogs, I feel that our time is precious and happy, and our futures that much more fearful and dark.

22. TOGETHERNESS. All kinds of negative emotions kept rising in me, leaving me unable to breathe. I needed to find a way to let them out. That’s when I first sought therapy. I could immediately sense that sharing, which was something I had no trouble doing when I was younger, had already become much more difficult–but once we began to talk, I could feel everything flowing out of me. I had thought I only needed one person to share things with, but I was wrong.

23. From that moment on, I often shared my thoughts and feelings with family, friends, colleagues and even strangers, listening to their stories in turn and filling myself with new air. Not in a fake-friendly way but in a sincere way, with all my heart. It felt like I was balancing out some of the self consciousness and self-pity in my feelings.

24. In the end, a better way to live is to live among others. Togetherness means altruism, and altruism is what saves us from selfishness. Because it begins with me and ends with everyone. Others are bound to be moved by the fact that you want to be with them, that you want to understand them, that you can’t do without them. Being together, misunderstanding each other, sharing with each other, growing further apart from each other, all these things help us live out our present moment. I wonder if this is our way of comforting ourselves through the darkness that is our world.

25. A VERY DARK TIME. When I happen to be writing on the bus and someone stands in front of me, I stop writing. Their eyes seem to be looking down right at my phone screen. I’m afraid they’ll be reading my thoughts, these thoughts that can be as dark as the most private parts of my diary. I consider my public persona as the cover for what is underneath, a membrane no light can seep through. The inner thoughts that do not make it through the membrane fester inside of me. Which is why my thoughts are never clean, and it’s hard to find a good thought in my inner rot. Just like muddy water filtered through a mesh still comes out brown, the thoughts I’ve refined and refined again are thick with darkness. I try to hide this through decorative words and metaphors. All this refining and decorating may look good, but it’s empty packaging.

26. I love the innocence of bright and honest people and adore the writings of positive thinkers, but I fear that I will never be able to find myself among them. I have trouble both accepting my own darkness and throwing myself into the light. I yearn to be valued by others, to be loved unconditionally by others, but I feign disinterest in others despite my substantial interest in them. My faking creates more faking, and that goes on to create even more faking, to the point where I can’t tell whether I am faking or not faking, whether these are my real feelings and thoughts or the packaged ones. My mind wants to be completely calm while my heart is anything but, a state of affairs that throws me off balance, into turmoil, which shows on my face. My twisted face creates twisted behaviours.

27. FICTION. The only real talent I have is putting others down. Like a lamp in the dark night, I can see other people’s weaknesses all too clearly, and I used to enjoy pointing them out and attacking them. If someone were to ask me why that was, I couldn’t really answer; I guess I just didn’t know myself very well. And because I didn’t know myself very well, I couldn’t stand others who seemed to be fully confident in who they were, it made me breathless and nauseous. Watching them be disconcerted or break down would console me. What a pitiful life I used to have.

28. BURIED, AND KEPT BURIED. I place more importance on attitude than on character. Actually, I believe that attitude contains character. That honesty, which is an attitude, shows in the smallest of things and the most insignificant of moments. I tend to look closely at the eyes, gestures, speech and movements of a person in trying to discern them.

29. ROMANTICISM AND CYNICISM. We often judge the whole by a single moment. A person may be very bookish and intellectual, but if they happen to be scrolling through their Instagram feed in front of me, I might judge them to be superficial. Which is why I feel that liking someone at first sight or the concept of destiny is a romanticised self-rationalisation. It’s all just timing. A moment where I happen to look special and you happen to look special – just a coincidence. But these beautiful coincidences are also responsible for most of our life’s relationships. Which is also why there’s no need to be cynical about them.

30. In any case, I tend to go back and forth between romanticism and cynicism. Crossing those barriers between hot and cold, I forget the lukewarm boredom of life; that lukewarm state is what I fear the most. Unable to return to feeling hot or cold, to be numb within a state of room temperature. In that state, we’re nothing better than dead.