YOUR MANY FACES (VIRGINIA SATIR)

PREFACE:

1. I want to get you excited about who you are, what you are, what you have, and what can still be for you. I want to inspire you to see that you can go far beyond where you  are right now. This book is my invitation to you to have a very special experience with yourself—one that can open up all kinds of new possibilities for you.

2. You are a miracle. Furthermore, you are a one-of-a-kind miracle. Let’s consider the evidence: Each fingerprint on every human being is different. You have your own special wrapping, your own size, color, features, sex, age, background, thoughts, experiences, feelings, and approaches to things, as do I.

3. If you believe, as many people do, that your sameness creates your basis for trust and safety, and your differentness creates your problems, then you are using only half your resources. I think sameness can be comfortable, but if that is all there is, in time it leads to boredom. Differentness can be a source of difficulty, but it also holds the key to a lot of locked-up energy and experiences that make life exciting and fulfilling.

4. Allow yourself to think in terms of all your parts, the ones with which you are very familiar, the ones that have not been developed, and the ones that you may not even know exist. Think of each of your parts as a resource, regardless of whether it is the same or different from anyone else’s or whether you consider it good or bad. Whatever you have represents new possibilities for yourself. This book is about exploring these parts and learning how they can work for you to develop your possibilities. I am calling these different parts "your many faces".

INTRODUCTION: DEALING WITH NEGATIVE EXPECTATIONS AND TAKING THE RISK TO LOOK INSIDE

1. If you were taught similar things to me, you probably grew up believing that the world was simply divided into good and bad and right and wrong. And if you were to lift the cover on yourself, chances were good that you would have the horrible shock of seeing all the bad and wrong things glaring up at you in a worse state than you had ever imagined. That is the naked truth many expect.

2. Some people think if they lift the cover, there will be all kinds of things reaching out demanding immediate satisfaction, thereby making them feel suffocated, torn, and overburdened. The things I should have done but didn’t, ought to do but can’t. Some people think that when they lift the cover, it is going to be full of holes, dark recesses that will suck them into the abyss of the beyond and they will be lost forever. I’ve even heard some people say they were afraid they’d find skills or abilities that they would never be able to fulfill. But some people don’t want to lift the cover because “what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them,” and besides, “they are fine the way they are”.

3. All the secrets, yearnings, and fears of one’s inner self often feel like a Pandora’s box, which, once opened, may contaminate the universe, or certainly obliterate the owner. In addition to these possibilities, there are some yet unknown ones, some undeveloped buds, like mushrooms growing in the dark, that hold new possibilities. Once the barriers of negative expectation have been dealt with and we decide to take the risk to look, we can make some amazing discoveries.

THE THEATER OF THE INSIDE

ACT 1: Lifting the Cover

1. Use your imagination and come with me to a very private place, deep within yourself, where each of us lives but few of us reveal what it’s like to be there. It is our Theater of the Inside, which plays constantly, around the clock. You never know what is playing until you get there—tragedy, comedy, documentary, a morality play, or a romantic love story. It might even be your own production of Little Orphan Annie, or quite possibly, the “Old Woman in the Shoe”. Let’s go into your mind, which houses this theater. I’ll join you. As we step inside, we are handed the program for tonight.

2. Apparently, this thermometer registers feelings. It makes me think that our feelings must be capable of both providing and depleting energy. The gold and red lights are probably signals to indicate which is doing what. That seems important. Does it mean there is a way we can experience things differently? Does it mean if we know more about our feelings, we can change some very fundamental things about our lives? Could it possibly mean that we really aren’t stuck with the way things are right now? That is a very hopeful and encouraging thought.

“If you are willing to take the risk to meet me, you will learn how to comfort your own helplessness, but first you have to learn not to be afraid of me, your power”

3. I become aware that this is the state of quiet desperation when nothing really bad or really good happens. Life just goes on, day after day. You are out of the overt conflict and left with a ceaseless yearning for something better, but there is no energy available to act on it.

INTERMISSION: BREAKING OUT OF YOUR EMOTIONAL JAIL

1. We are always in constant motion. We are reacting and responding to the inside and the outside all the time. People don’t feel this way because they are ornery, or because they want to make trouble for themselves or others. They really want to be good people, to bury the bad things, to keep their lives tolerable by not having so many demands. They don’t want to fool around with things they don’t know about or be obligated to develop everything they have. They want to try to give their lives some sense of ease. These are their intentions, and it all sounds very reasonable. However, my experience over these last many years has been that as life goes on for many people, it becomes draining, boring, and not very pleasant. In effect, we live in an emotional jail without knowing it.

2. I am quite aware we cannot control the weather or many of the things outside of ourselves, but we can learn new ways to cope with those things we can’t control. Everyone is familiar with the fact that different people cope with the same event in various ways. The event does not dictate the way of coping. The integration (your harmonious use of your parts) of the event into your life determines how you cope.

3. All too often, people don’t realize that through their lack of knowledge, imagination, and awareness, they have built high walls around themselves over which they cannot see their possibilities. Fortunately for us, these walls that appear as solid as cement derive their strength only from our thoughts. There is a difference between a concrete wall outside of us and the walls we erect in our minds. Dealing effectively with the wall outside is related to the wall we have inside. If we feel trapped inside, little creative energy will be available to cope creatively.

4. Our inside jailers represent that which we regard as threatening. The guards are our fears, ever present, who see to it that we stay where we are. As long as we are afraid, we can’t move. These jailers and guards, of course, are our own concoctions, mostly derived from threats of authority figures in our past, and which we bring to our present without any critical evaluation of their usefulness. The guards represent our worries about not being loved or valued. There is, therefore, no opportunity in that jail to test out new possibilities. The process of breaking out of your emotional jail simply starts with a new thought: “There must be something more, and I will take the risk to take a look.” That leads to hope, which becomes a new possibility.

5. We are always trying to get out of our emotional jail. It is so uncomfortable so much of the time. Mostly we try by begging, threatening, or pleasing other people, trying to get them to do it for us. This makes sense if we believe our jailers are only on the outside. One can get some temporary success from this, here and there, but in general these efforts end in failure with massive feelings of helplessness, rage, and guilt. Suppose instead we were to accept the fact that our biggest jailers are inside, that we begin by taking the risk of making a study of how our thoughts, feelings, body, and soul all work together. 

6. Many people lose their battles on the outside because they waste their energy inside. Our inner life and our outer coping are linked. One feeds into the other. As children most of us were taught how to conform and to be obedient. Until we learned otherwise, that was all we knew. Whatever pain we had to endure to continue life we took inside, believing that was how life was, and thus began building the walls of our emotional jail. It is a giant step to take the risk of beginning to question these old learnings. However, once having become explorers in the service of ourselves, we break out of jail and continued growth is possible. Our energy can then be used to find and explore new possibilities, rather than be wasted defending our old beliefs in an effort to make life bearable.

7. The sad part for me is to know that many people are living in an emotional jail without recognizing it. They know only that they are vaguely unhappy and depressed, waiting for some magic time when things will be different, which never seems to come. They have sentenced themselves to this fate for failing to live up to the Universal Should List, which they ignorantly accepted as the way to live a good life. Nobody can live up to this list. It is the door to an emotional jail. In that jail there is nothing to do but live out the sentence. It is only when we can get out that we have a chance for a new life. “Lifting the Cover,” the first act of Your Many Faces, is one dramatization that goes on inside ourselves when we are in that jail. Many of us have not yet gone beyond the first act. 

THE THEATER OF THE INSIDE

ACT 2: Who is in charge? 

1. “I am New Possibilities.” In a pleasant voice, it says, “I can only come out when things are clear, free, and understood, and when people are willing to take new risks.

2. At this moment, all of the parts are standing in a circle around the owner, offering themselves with all of their variations. They are ready to help the owner to understand, to challenge, to grow, and to love. The owner acknowledges them, saying, “You are all mine. Sometimes you overwhelm me and sometimes I forget some of you, but I appreciate you. I am grateful when you call your presence to my attention in whatever state you happen to be in. Once I notice you, I can begin to take charge of myself”.

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?

Becoming aware of your parts is the first step in learning to take charge

1. By now, you’ve probably learned that you have many parts that you have not yet discovered. All of these parts, whether you have acknowledged them or not, are present inside of you. Becoming aware of themnenables you to take charge of them, rather than be enslaved by them. Each of your parts is a vital source of energy. Each has many uses and can harmonize with many other parts in ways to add even more energy. Having many faces is an ordinary, everyday experience for everyone.

2. Many people have an internal scoreboard and judge each face as either good or bad. Would it sound very bizarre to entertain the idea that each of your faces, no matter how you have judged them in the past, can benused to work for you? They all contain vital energy. Most of us have worn a tired face from time to time. Tiredness is a condition in which your body is using all of its energy to maintain itself so there is none left over to sparkle on the outside. This is what was going on in act I of our play.

3. We have, for a long time, felt that we were  limited. We categorized, labeled, and measured ourselves.and then made a niche to match. The niche became our boundary, so that our aim became filling niches instead of fulfilling our lives. We are becoming increasingly aware that we have limited ourselves by our thoughts and beliefs, which have far more power to shape our lives than anything we are born with. It turns out when we learn to appreciate life in ourselves, we have a greater appreciation of life in others, and this leads us closer to what we want—namely, closeness to others. It is hard to appreciate either ourselves or others when we are so busy making judgements. 

YOUR RESOURCE WHEEL 

Your Body, Mind, Feelings, Senses, Interactions, Soul, Context, and Planetary Parts and Their Relationships to Each Other

1. In our play at the Theater of the Inside, we saw a Resource Wheel. Let’s get it out, brush off the dust and cobwebs, and take a closer look. The first layer in the center is that which you call yourself, your “I.” Around your “I” is a body, which is essentially your house. Around your body is your mind (brain), which we could call the captain of your ship. That is the part that analyzes what you see and hear. Around this layer are your emotions. I call them your “juices”—pain, joy, anger, confusion—those parts of yourself that constitute your feelings. The next layer is concerned with your senses—your eyes, your ears, your nose, your mouth, the pores of your skin—all of which are the “holes” in which input from the outside comes in and messages from the inside go out. 

2. The next layer has to do with your I-thou part. We cannot live in this world alone. We can’t even come into this world without the help of other people. Relating to other people is a fact of life. How we interact with them influences our health, our feelings about ourselves, and our uses of ourselves. In short, this is our communication layer. Around all this we have a soul, which, regardless of what name we call it, is really a life force. 

3. All of this occurs within a context: the next layer, which is made up of time, space, light, air, water, sound, color, weather, and seasons. Extended to their farthest realms, all of the layers become the universe. This brings us to our planetary layer: Each of us is part of this universe and being so gives us our miracle status. All layers are present, and not only does each layer have life, but the layers are interacting: our thoughts act on our feelings, our feelings act on our thoughts, our thoughts and feelings act on our bodies, our bodies and our senses act on our thoughts and feelings, and so forth. There is a whole interacting, continually moving, dynamic link between and among parts going on inside of us at every moment. Discovering the way these parts interact lets us know how we are treating ourselves and, incidentally, others.

4. It’s fun to make up your own wheel and, for each one of the layers or parts, choose a color that you feel fits it. Make a ring of that color. Put them all together and you have your own personal Resource Wheel. To use myself as an example, I like to leave the center “I” white. For me, “body” is a beautiful water blue. When I think “mind,” it is a rich pearl gray. When I think “feelings,” it is a soft rose. For “senses,” it is bright green. For my “interactions with others,” it is a rosy beige. When I think of my “soul,” I think of bright gold. The “context” for me is a soft dark green, and the “planetary” is a vivid purple. Your colors will probably be different. Perhaps this will do nothing more than alert you to the fact that not only do we have many parts, but they all have a different feeling to you. If you happen to be one of those people who associate rhythm or tones to colors, you could go to a musical instrument and pick out the tone that each of these colors signifies and develop your own symphony.

5. Finding out how we think about what we see and hear, what we feel, what we say, and how we look and sound is the place to start the discovery of who and what we are. How we relate to all our layers has probably as many variations and possibilities as our fingerprints.

6. In our Theater of the Inside we saw two variations, or possibilities, of an internal drama taking place. At the closing of the play, what seems to stand out is that things change. Something very important happened in the second act. Things changed and we saw some new possibilities that hopefully  can add some new dimensions to our lives. When we really take charge of ourselves, we have the power to cope differently and we can make our own map for our lives. That is our hope. That is our life process, and that is our opportunity.

TAKING NEW RISKS

Venturing into the Unknown to Open Up New Possibilities

1. New thoughts and beliefs are the main source for opening up new possibilities. Our willingness to risk exploring these possibilities through action is the next step. There is a secure feeling about staying with what we already know, and a scariness about venturing out into areas unfamiliar to us. To go where we have not been, either literally or figuratively, usually has two parts—excitement and scariness—both of which involve the adrenal glands and come from the same root.

“In scariness or anxiety, breathe a little you feel the excitement. Hold your breath and you’ll get scared again” (Fritz Perls).

2. The fact is, however, that any change requires three phases: first, the honeymoon, when anxiety or excitement dominates; second, the phase when things seem all mixed and unfamiliar (how natural, when you stop to think you’ve never been there before); and third, the integration, when the new part becomes comfortable and familiar to you. Efforts to preserve the status quo (keep things as they are) are intended to protect one’s security, to prevent chaos and confusion, which are thought of only as harmful instead of a normal development of change, since no change can take place without them. 

3. Learning new ways is not a matter of being told, but one of risking and discovering in a loving, trusting context. People were always telling me how I should be (their way of course). I often used to be accused of being stubborn. Starting out by loving and trusting myself, I found I was willing enough if I were shown new possibilities with love and understanding, and then I could take the steps in my way, taking only those that fit me. The key was in discovering those little steps. I learned I couldn’t hurry and there were no shortcuts. I came to “reserve the right to be learning disabled but educable.” Even though I coined that phrase many years ago, I increasingly find wisdom in it. It seems that I can learn from my risk taking even though retrospectively it looked foolish.

4. Looking with new eyes and seeing new possibilities does not mean getting rid of everything in the past that is familiar and comfortable. It means instead a periodic sorting, keeping from the past that which is still effective, letting go that which no longer fits, and adding that which is new and worthy. That which is new finds its place more easily if we acknowledge to ourselves ahead of time that there will most likely be a period of chaos and confusion before it becomes integrated with our other parts.

5. Many of us have had new doors opened to us because we have been catapulted without warning into a powerful, traumatic situation that required us to cope differently. For some of us, that is the only way we have had to make a change. Maybe we don’t have to wait for catastrophic things to happen in our lives. Maybe we can have another option as well, by actively and purposefully looking at ourselves and our many faces in a new way. Maybe we can use our many faces to give nourishment, space, and opportunity to those other parts of us so they can grow and transform, and make room for the new ones that come along.

FAMOUS FACES

Recognizing the Faces of Well-Known Personalities within Yourself

1. I’d like to play with our many faces in another way. One of the methods I’ve found that helps me to understand things better is to develop a dramatic context so that I can have fun while I learn. Use your imagination again and think about famous people you have known or read about that had a positive attraction for you, that make you feel warm and good inside. Choose from people in politics, history, entertainment, television, . sports, business, religion, or any other facet of life, including fairy tales and comics. Then think of some people from the same sources who, when you think about them, repel you. Have at least six altogether, and write their names down in one column. Then make m another column by writing down the first m adjective that comes to your mind when you think about them. I’ll give you an example, using a list of mine.

Eleanor Roosevelt—compassionate

Marlene Dietrich—sexy

King Henry VIII—selfish

The Old Woman in the Shoe—overburdened

Aristotle—wise

Jesus Christ—loving

Groucho Marx—funny

Mary, Mary Quite Contrary—stubborn

2. I have learned that there is a germ of usefulness in each negative part and a germ of destruction in each positive part. For example, there may be a time when my stubbornness will serve me well as my ability to protect myself and stand my own ground. However, if I use it like a standard procedure every time someone disagrees with me, then I have given it only one use, a destructive one. A further example is my Henry VIII part. My selfishness may prove extremely beneficial when I am being pressured by other people to do something wrong or something that doesn’t suit me. Then it becomes my self-interest part.

3. Suppose we think of the negative parts of ourselves as hungry dogs that we want to keep out of our awareness and certainly hide from other people. So we cage them inside (deny their existence) and feed them only when we absolutely have to, and then as little as possible. As they get hungrier and hungrier, we have to increase our guard, for if we let our guard down for even a second, they will come out and make terrible trouble. Continuing in this way, we will soon feel exhausted and bankrupt. Despair will soon follow. That is the time when we say we couldn’t help it. Someone else made us do it.

4. The answer is not to get more guards, as many people seem to think, but to start paying attention, caring for, and learning to m understand these parts. Then instead of using all our energy for guarding, we will be able to use it for discovery and change.

5. Let’s continue the dog story. Suppose we think of the dogs as representing parts of ourselves that have only learned one way of being, and we want to teach them others. Anyone who has ever trained an animal knows you must use love, patience, and praise. Would you be willing to be loving and patient and praise yourself? Each dog represents a friend and companion yet undiscovered. To many of us, it looks only like a vicious mongrel. We and our faces are not different from any other living thing. We thrive on being nurtured.

THE MERRY-GO-ROUND

Observing and Learning from Your Own Faces

1. Let’s imagine that there are twelve horses on our merry-go-round and each horse has one of our faces. We are standing and watching them. We will make our merry-go-round go slowly. In this fantasy, I am asking you to become an observer of your own faces. Name your faces on the merry-go round, using either personalities (such as Marlene Dietrich and Groucho Marx) or  characters from the Theater of the Inside (such as Anger, Intelligence, and Love).

2. First just watch them as they slowly make the circle. Your eye can pause only for a few seconds on each face because soon another face will come into view. As you see each of these faces, notice how you react to that face. After the merry-go-round has gone around a few times, say clearly to yourself, “These are all my faces.” Notice which ones you are more familiar with, the ones you especially like, and the ones that arouse negative feelings. Now think of each one separately and ask yourself what possible new use or meaning you can find for that face. At the same time, let yourself know to what use you have been putting each one. As you are doing this, you may become aware that you are missing a face, and if you are, add another horse. As you do this, you may experience a whole range of feelings: sadness, hope, anger, delight, well-being, and others that I haven’t mentioned. Remember that these feelings are all yours—no matter what kind they are—and, treated well, your many faces are there to help you.

3. You may find that one of your faces is in its diaper stage. For example, you may notice your angry face is a resentful pout and that you are using it just as you did when you were two: now you are thirty-two and you still pout. You know how to pout very well. Could it be that you told yourself that is the only thing to do when you feel angry and therefore that is what you still do? Could you add some other ways of responding: say what you are feeling, give yourself a chance to find out what you are angry about, or let yourself know that maybe you are really feeling helpless and acting angry? Maybe, in desperate situations, could you yell? What does it do for you, to let you yourself know you have many choices of using that angry face?

4. Look at all your faces in this manner; think of each one as representing a range of choices. You can’t help but add new possibilities to your life as you do this. Can you feel a new sense of your own personal power as you think in this way? You don’t have to respond in any one way. You always have possibilities. With this new sense of power, it is possible to feel a new sense of responsibility for yourself. When we have choices and can apply the choice to the situation, then we are making choices in front of our face, rather than reacting to compulsions from behind.

There was a time when I thought I had to kill all those parts of me that gave me trouble. Now I see they can become my greatest helpers if I decide to make them my friends.

5. Other people are very much a part of your life. We could not have loving and trusting relationships if that were not so. However, no matter how much we would like to think differently, we cannot see what goes on inside of another person, even those whom we feel very close to. Furthermore, we are all unique. Therefore, we need to educate other people about ourselves. We do this by sharing what we feel inside with others when it’s appropriate. It also means that we sometimes need to say no. Of course, someone is bound to be disappointed if we say no. Disappointment is a perfectly healthy human emotion. Saying no clearly paves the way to say yes honestly. It also lets you be who you are instead of putting up a front.

6. Life for me is like an ocean, with waves sometimes high, sometimes low, sometimes smooth, sometimes rough. So sometimes I’m high, sometimes I’m low, sometimes I’m calm, and sometimes I’m troubled. I am the same way: my faces are natural consequences of living, growing, and being human. I need to know that storms as well as the beautiful sunshine are part of life. So I take pride in my stormy face and my sunshiny face, and I accept them as natural for that context. I don’t have to put on a happy face when I feel stormy. I can put on a face that belongs with that emotion. And I don’t have to put on a face of doubt when I feel sunshiny inside.

7. In another sense, my faces, my many faces, are all part of my resources with which I respond to my life situation. I have room for thousands in myself. To become acquainted with who lives inside of me, to love and understand my parts, make them grow, and help them harmonize with all my other parts, is ongoing work. When I see it as human instead of bad, I can allow myself to work in the spirit of discovery much like going on an archaeological dig. What will I dig up next? When I know that I am the leader and not the servant, I push my buttons in front of my face instead of feeling pushed from behind.

WHICH ONE IS YOU?

With All Your Many and Varied Faces, You’re the Only One Like You

1. Did you ever ask yourself the question “Which one is me?” When people ask that, very often they are wondering who is the real me? I often hear people say, “Yes, I did that, but that wasn’t the real me.” Me is an expression of myself when I talk, move, or act; when I sleep, eat, or do arithmetic problems; when I fantasize, dream, or make mistakes; when I’m dirty, clean, or dazzling; when I’m solving great problems or little ones; when I’m helplessly standing by, feeling like nothing, or feeling sexy; when I am choosing or being chosen. So, which one is me? I am all these things.

2. Actually, I’m coming around to a point I made before: ownership of everything I’m involved in—my dreams, my hopes, my behavior, and my actions. This is the first step toward managing myself. I cannot manage anything I do not own. It might be interesting to make a list of all the many things in which you are involved, and before each subject that you list, write “my”—my dream, my hope, my mistake, my angry feeling—and see what it’s like for you to recognize your ownership of so many parts. Do it for one day and behold all the reins you have in your hands. Then to each one announce (silently inside yourself if you are with other people, or out loud if you are alone), “I own you, and this is how I would like it to be next time.” Since you are the owner and all these parts belong to you, if you would like to make changes, tell your parts and they can only acquiesce to your wishes.

3. We all physically have the same ingredients, which are capable of functioning in the same way. If we were to examine skeletons, we would find variations in length and width of bones, maybe even in the curvature of bones, but we would know that all joints work in the same way in relation to each other. To use another example: When skin gets near something hot, it will burn. That burn can come from a coal fire, boiling water, or an electric stove, and it can come to any skin, regardless of color. The process and the relationship among the parts are what is predictable; all the other aspects are variations. Our differentness lies then in how we think about these relationships, and how much we know about them and are willing to increase their flexibility.

4. If I take the idea that I am the only one exactly like me seriously, then when I interact with someone I will go into a discovery process of finding out what parts of that person are like me and what parts are different, instead of making the assumption that because we love each other or share certain characteristics (age, race, sex, and so on), we feel and react in the same way. For me that means every person presents an opportunity for me to learn about new variations and discover more choices for myself. My many faces are my resources to make that possible.

5. My many faces help me grow and expand and cope successfully with life, but they don’t ask me to forget my taste. I choose the things I like, and those not to my taste I leave. The same thing goes with people. There are some people who we do not feel are nutritious for us. It doesn’t mean they are bad; it only means there isn’t a strong compatibility. Like everything else, one can also develop a taste for things that were previously unknown or distasteful. I see no problem with deciding someone is not to your taste once you have explored in a real way what your taste is. This process is a continuing experience of meeting, exploring, and choosing.

6. Like going into a shoe store, after you have tried on and considered several pairs, you buy the ones that fit. In time they wear out and you get another pair. This time your life situation may have changed, your tastes may have changed, and you come out with another pair just as fitting for you now as the other was for you then. This is a process of continual selection instead of one of rejection. Our parts are always shifting, and we are in a continual process of sorting, changing, adding, and letting go. That is a part of the miracle. Whatever happens, changes, or stays the same because of this process, you are always the only one exactly like you. 

YOU ARE A LIVING MOBILE

Freedom and Balance of Your Many Parts Build Harmony in Life

1. Now I would like you to think of yourself, with your many faces, as a living mobile. Balance is what makes a mobile work. One can take any number of pieces of different sizes, colors, weights, and textures, and by placing them in different relation to each other—near, far, sideways, upward, or downward—one can make a balanced, harmonious whole. The mobile is a metaphor for our many parts: we must constantly balance, rebalance, and manage the various components. Balance is another word for harmony. When we are out of harmony, life seems dark.

2. Because of the fact that change is always going on and new things are always emerging, rebalancing is essential from time to time. For example, let’s take our physical body. In a perfectly balanced body, all parts support themselves in such a way so that no one part has to receive major support from any other part permanently. The legs can stand firmly on the ground, the thigh bones then can enable the backbone to be straight and in balance, and the arms can hang loosely at the sides and the head can be comfortably on top. This is the position our mothers.used to want us to have when they said, “Stand up straight.” This is a position of balance.

3. There is no way to write down directions or instructions for how all bodies are to be in balance. Balance is a feeling of being in touch with one’s body, of continually centering energy with the cooperation and conscious support of all other parts. So we are in the constant process of changing. Change always carries with it a period of imbalance (the scariness and excitement of new possibilities). This happens when something new is added or something old is discarded. The feeling of imbalance is often one of confusion. The picture of imbalance can be physical illness, internal troubles, competency problems, or spiritual desolation. I would go so far as to say that any imbalance is a message about some change taking place. This is a perfectly natural phase because, while we are in the process of rebalancing, imbalance has to take place first.

4. Having periods of imbalance is a natural consequence of living. To stay in an imbalanced state will cause great erosion and pain to the self. It is always scary when we are out of balance, because it feels like we have lost our center. When this happens, sit in the nearest chair, close your eyes, and breathe fully. Then tell yourself, “I am getting a message that my parts are out of harmony. I am getting an SOS message.” Then start listening to what your parts are telling you. Look at what is happening, figure out what your needs seem to be, and then think about how you can restore balance.

5. From time to time things go wrong with any good piece of machinery. Yet most machines have a built-in way of signaling when things aren’t working right or are out of balance. This is usually a red light. The minute we see the red light on the machine, we stop and take a look. We have the same signal system built in. Our signals come on when we feel out of balance, and I am recommending we take a look. Once we have seen our red signal and interpreted it as something out of balance in ourselves, we may, if we listen and look carefully, find a clue as to how to change it. However, after much searching, we may find that we can’t find a clue. So the sensible thing then is to find someone who can go on the search with us: a family member, a friend, a teacher, a spiritual counselor, or some professional from the healing arts. The important thing is to find someone who will discover with you, together, instead of telling you how you ought to be.

6. If you have a rule that you should always do the right thing, then you have to settle for your duty whether you are tired or whether you really want something else. If your rule is that life is made for doing everything you want to do regardless of your fatigue level or your other responsibilities, then chances are pretty good that you will still be out of balance because you will feel guilty. If you believe that you can only do what you can do, never mind your duties or what you want, you are still in the same boat. Your mobile has no chance for any flexibility. Every time the wind blows, it will break.

7. What would happen if instead of having a rule that covers all situations all the time, you were able to pick and choose within the situation? That is, sometimes you will choose your duty, sometimes your wishes, and sometimes what you feel you can do. All of these parts are capable of stretching, and if you know yourself, you have a guide that permits you to make the best choice in each situation. Then you will not suffer the pain of the “cookie cutter.” Cookie cutter is a term I use to mean forcing the same thing for all times and in all situations. It cuts off some of your important parts, and that is painful.

8. Students of life find out that there is such a thing as winning a battle and losing a war, as for every gain there is a loss and, conversely, for every loss there is a gain. So therefore, each decision is a new creation with a new set of losses and gains. In other words, you are balancing out your needs with your responsibilities and your wishes, making that decision fresh each time.

Sometimes we can take one loss and sometimes we can take another. Each situation presents a different equation of loss and gain. If we are free to vary our approaches, we can continue to create new balance and keep up-to-date with ourselves.

MAKING YOUR OWN ROAD MAP

Learning to Explore and Enjoy Your Own Choices of Pathways and New Possibilities

1. The beginning of new possibilities starts when you believe that there are no fixed, permanent sets of roadways inside of you, that they are all capable of being resurfaced, reshaped, reconstructed, bypassed, and built anew. We come into this world at birth and leave at death. The time between these two points is our time to develop our own map. It will continue to unfold, if you allow yourself to explore your many parts and risk going into the unknown. Some people make up a detailed map at five and then spend their lives fitting into it. Others start out with a large space and proceed to follow the continual process of discovery, which shifts and changes the points on our map and the lines between them as we move, look, listen, speak, sort, challenge, take in, and let go.

2. Today is an exciting time because almost every day some new information about life’s processes comes to light. Maybe one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves at this moment is to take a look at everything we believe in and ask ourselves if it really fits or if it’s something that we were told should fit. Is it a carryover from the past that we have accepted without any critical investigation?

You have one life, only one, and it is yours. You are the architect. Each architect works with slightly different materials, and you, the only one exactly like you in the whole world, are your own material.

3. To start your exploration of new possibilities, I suggest you write down a list of new things that you would like—new attitudes with which you would like to experiment, new aspects of yourself that you would like to learn more about, and so on. Then write down three things you.could do to further each of these, such as read a book, talk to someone, meditate, join a group, or attend a seminar or lecture. Having three approaches helps to keep you from getting embroiled in an either-or situation. If you like to fantasize or visualize, do so; it will provide additional energy while you write down your approaches.

4. While writing this list, new ideas may continue to occur to you because you are probably in a creative frame of mind. If so, treat them as new possibilities to consider along with the rest. Explorers have a goal, but they also take time to see other possibilities along the way, which may change their course. After making the list and writing down your three approaches, give yourself a clear message to start with one of them and put it into action.

5. Everyone, no matter what age, has new things to discover about themselves—and the more that we discover, the more interesting we become to ourselves and to others. To the degree that we accept ourselves with all our parts, we become whole, loving beings in relation to ourselves, which helps us to become more real and loving to other people. Our struggles become creative ventures, not always without pain, but with the hope of more effective results.

YOUR MANY FACES

VIRGINIA SATIR